Saturday, November 28, 2009

Breaking down the bones


Down.

Get a big-ass pot--I mean big. Take your turkey carcass and start ripping that mother apart. Put EVERYTHING in the pot. Skin, bones, any stuffing cling-ons. All of it.

The candy-asses out there aren't going to like this, but you need to break the bones apart old school. Use your hands and tear them up righteous. Rip the soft backbone and breast bone into pieces. The more you bust those up, the more mysterious inner bone stuff comes out and the better the soup is going to be. Don't piss-out. Bust the shit out of it. If you can't do that, I just don't know what. Go to bed.

Rinse off a couple of raw onions, cut them in half and throw those in there. Leave the skin on for good color. Don't peel them like some goddamn Martha Stewart wannabe. That broad couldn't make turkey bone soup to save her Special Edition Eddie Bauer USS Martha girdle.

Got any old celery hearts? Greens? Carrot Greens? It's soup, for chrissake, throw it in there. Throw any leftover stuffing in there. One last scoopful of mashed potato? Into the pot. We're not effing around here.

Add enough water to cover everything, maybe a little more. You'll want at least three or four quarts of water total. Five or six for a real big bird.

Put the lid on and bring it to a boil. Put that soup down to the lowest simmer possible and let her ride for four to six hours with the lid slightly ajar.

That's right. Four to six hours. Don't eff around and take it off in an hour because you know what you'll have? Watered down turkey piss, that's what.

You will not believe how good that soup smells as it cooks.

Fit a colander (not too fine) over another pot and pour your soup in there. All the gnarly bones and skin and cooked-into-submission onion will go in the colander. It'll look worse than that Chrissie chick from the opening scene in Jaws after the shark was done with her and they put what was left in a bedpan. DO NOT throw it out.

Put the strained soup in the fridge to cool overnight, covered.

Take the leftover Chrissy stuff and start picking through there. Pull out any good meat chunks. Save those. Now you can throw the rest of that crap out.

Boil up some regular polite carrot and celery and onion pieces in regular water. How big should those pieces be? Well, genius, as big as a person would want to eat in their turkey bone soup. Can't you people figure anything out? Cook them up proper, strain them and put them in the fridge. Cook some soup noodles too. Go ahead and use some pansy girlie shape (ditalini, farfalle, gemelli). I don't care, just use Barilla. Every other kind is piss-poor. Cook those noodles up but not too much or they'll get too soft in the soup and that will suck. Strain those and, you guessed it, into the fridge.

You want to use your egg noodles? Go ahead and use your egg noodles. Good christ--the things that trip you people up ...

You might need a beer or whiskey or something by now. Okay, fine. you're about done for day one.

The next day, take the soup out and skim the fat from the top and toss it. The more the cold soup broth is like jelly, the better. (No, I'm not going to fool around trying to explain high-end gourmet terms like consomme and aspic here. This is just a dumbass blog post, people.) Heat it up (the jellyness of it will go away, so don't worry).

I don't really have to tell you to taste it and add salt, pepper and some spices, do I?

Add the meat and the polite boiled veggies. You can put all the noodles in there, but sometimes they suck up too much broth and that will piss you off. I like to put a scoop of noodles in each bowl and pour the hot soup over that, which also cools the soup to a perfect eating temperature.

Everyone will be dying for that soup on account of the aroma wafting through the house the past two days. It is so good, don't be surprised if your peeps procure a lush silken pillow with the word "Genius" embroidered on it just for you. Put it in front of the box and sit your royal ass down with a steaming bowl of that soup.

This post is done.

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20 comments:

Sean Craven said...

I like to throw in some tomatoes and chipotles in adobo, then serve it up with lime wedges, avocado slices, and tortilla chips.

Since we don't have the skeleton and we do have a wee bit of lamb and a bunch of gravy, I'm doing a curry with the leftovers for lunch today.

Anonymous said...

Why does this evoke Kerouac doing "Like Water For Chocolate"?

Word Verification (No Shit!)...

balling. I need to rub some turkey stock on a wanton woman and do some screamingsteaminggleamingnasty balling.

RJ

LimesNow said...

Poor Chrissy.

Jeff said...

If those bastard cooking show hosts talked to me like this as they taught me how to cook shit, I might actually learn something.

Chef E said...

Down to the nitty gritty I say...

Al the Retired Army Guy said...

Most cooking show hosts are about entertainment, not cooking. It's the only way one can explain idiots like Rachel Ray and Sandra Lee. Or the train wrecks that go on shows like "The Next Food Network Star."

Al
TRAG

Warren said...

Love the attitude! That is why I read your shit! Won't try the recipe though, since most of our turkey and associated leavin's walked out the door Thursday night with my uncle and the rest of the family. Oh well ...

Kirk Jusko said...

Is the Galloping Gourmet still alive?

Erin O'Brien said...

I think he is, Kirk. I know he quit drinking and found the Lord.

Kirk Jusko said...

I was pretty young when that show was on, but I swear to God (no pun intended) he'd sometimes get stoned on the air. First, pour a little wine on the turkey, the pour a little wine in the glass, take a little sip...

Clandestiny said...

That's really how I do all my soups, stews, etc. And yes, it's always sooooo good!! When it's cold and nasty outside some really good, hot, thick with chunks of tender meat, veggies, and noodles just put the whole world right again.

Dreamfarm Girl said...

Ohhhhhh, yummmm. and kirk, I think that's part of the trick to good cooking. A swig for the soup, a swig for the cook.

DogsDontPurr said...

I know I've said it before, but you really really need to publish a cookbook. Your recipes are a scream! I'm not that much into cooking, but I'd read a cookbook by you, from end to end like a novel!

Al The Retired Army Guy said...

Erin, if you're up for a cookbook, I can be your "technical advisor."

Al
TRAG
Culinary Student

Me said...

I'm kind of new around here. There are more recipe posts? I'm going to have to hunt them down...

I'm with the others who have said it: I see a cook book in your future! I am sure there's nothing like *this* out there...I sense a niche that needs filling!!

(S)wine said...

yea man. that's the shits. we didn't do a traditional TG since the Kiddo wasn't w/us, but i made some kickin' chicken soup exactly the way you describe in this post, a few weeks earlier. had me two...read TWO mothafuckin' carcasses frozen. so there it is. rock on.

Glass Houses said...

I want to eat lunch at your house.

glittergirl said...

i've been collecting recipes for a few years now. i've conquered the crock pot and dominated the grill, but i've never made turkey (or chicken) soup. i've got a "beer can chicken" carcass and i'm gonna try this recipe.

off to bust up bones....

Display Name said...

Hilarious.

Elisson said...

Turkey carcass, busted up real good.
Turkey meat - assuming there's any chunk left that's larger than a neutrino.
A couple of hacked-up celery stalks.
A hacked-up onion.
A couple of hacked-up carrots.
Two or three cloves of garlic.
A spoonful of whole black peppercorns.
Some parsley stems, if ya got 'em.

Now go make your stock like Miz Erin says. It'll kick ASS, people.