A good way to tell if you're a dried up gasbag is if you're one of the people complaining about how much sex and pornography there is on the Internet.I have a lot of problems with Wolf's assertions in that article, which I've blogged about before, but that she's worried the vagina is losing its "exchange value" really frosts me.
Wolf, you dumb broad, did you really say that? Do you actually think that photos of vaginae devalue them? I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you didn't mean showing guys your puss will no longer get you daisies, dinners and diamonds, but let me give you a code orange news alert anyway: Most heterosexual men are as enthusiastic about vagina photograph number 1000 as they were about vagina photograph number one. Guys just love these things; can't get enough of them and never will.
Another problem I have with Wolf's article is that she refers mainly to college students throughout.
Huh?
Does anyone have good sex in college? Hell no. Even if it is good sex in a technical sense, it's often immature. The 18 - 22 often does not assign proper value to sex because they still don't fully understand it, at least I didn't. They're kids!
(Yes Virginia, there really is an upside to getting older: YOU GET BETTER IN THE SACK!)
Wolf: "Well, I am 40, and mine is the last female generation to experience that sense of sexual confidence and security in what we had to offer. Our younger sisters had to compete with video porn in the eighties and nineties, when intercourse was not hot enough. Now you have to offer—or flirtatiously suggest—the lesbian scene, the ejaculate-in-the-face scene."
O'Brien: Well, I'm 44 and Wolf, you're full of shit. Here's my advice to the unnamed young women Wolf claims are badgered into sexual activities because of porn: Babygirl, if you don't want to do it, don't do it. Say NO and kick the asshole out. When you find the right lover, you'll want to do plenty.
I'm sorry, but you cannot blame Internet porn for men pressuring women for sex. That is simply moronic. There has always been sex pressure. You either cave into it or you don't. There is much more to say on that topic, but I'll save that discussion for another post and (finally) get to some sex.
Here's the skinny, people: Porn or no porn, there is never enough good sex. You can categorize sex into as many slots as you like but in the end, they all fall into one of these:
1) bad sex
2) mediocre sex
3) okay sex
4) good sex
5) great sex.
Everyone is trying to get to number 5 and everyone has spent time on squares 1 - 4. If you do cave into pressure or have some bad sex, so what? Lesson learned. Move on. Try to do better next time. Over the long haul, our sex lives are riddled with mistakes and imperfections. That's how we get to the Elysian fields of number 5.
I've been running this blog for 3 1/2 years. I write about lots of things including sex. The searches that bring people here often make me wax tender. They want to know how to make women climax, how to perform successful coitus and cunnilingus, how to fondle and stimulate women. They're searching for diagrams of women's genitalia, information about the G spot and the female orgasm. Whether or not I've helped any of those customers, I have no idea. I'm no sex expert. The heaps of bad online porn and sex sites out there are mostly nowheresville, but here is one sex site that is top notch:
violet blue :: open source sex
There you will find online sex the way it's supposed to be. It's loaded with sexy pics, fun stuff, great links and really good sex advice, like why you need to be careful when choosing (ahem) sex accessories. A little bird emailed me blue's URL last night and I was stunned I hadn't seen it before. So get a glass of wine and settle in for some top-notch sex surfing (oh yeah).
The big ol' bad Wolf and her ilk can huff and puff all they want, you've got a safe haven in violet blue's house and Erin's house as well.
24 comments:
I am not partial to pictures of the vagina.
Don't get me wrong, I'll look, but only because the testosterone dictates that I look.
I have quite the crush on Violet Blue.
Before I ever had a blog or really knew what a blog was, I was reading Tiny Nibbles. It is an awesome site and she is an incredible woman.
It is an awesome site. Smart and sexy.
Oh, and I like the way you say "the vagina" like some people say "the calculus."
oops. Two different Earls. Y'all know what I meant.
First, there has to be some place in the middle where the two different parties can meet.
I knew it was going to be interesting when I saw 'Dworkin' in the dashboard. 'Women Hating' changed how I view women. Made me respect them more. Still wanted the get the 'money shot' with them, but now with twice the thoughfulness!
Yeah, you are right in most college sex is bad. One of the problems in western culture, particularly here in the metro areas of the US, is that the familiarity does not breed contempt, but boredom. We THINK we know each other, but we don't.
The story in the article about her friend in the Middle East and the intmacy she shares with her husband isn't exclusive to dressing in burkas in the sweltering heat. I think that it is the mental hurdles here in the US that keeps the intimacy from forming.
There is no real competition between the online crap and a real woman. NONE. But I will say that the unrealistic expectations that is created by ALL MEDIA regarding the kind of lifestyle that is to be pursued, makes thing self-defeating.
As I man, I can't hope to become the next Le Bron/Wil Smith figure, the kind of guy that is the one that sister girls are dreaming about.
And how many sister girls are really a cross between Beyonce/Jessica Alba? Because these images are sooo far from the reality of the mirror, the desire to know and experience what is right there in front of you, is diminished. Not to mention the prudishness and fake modesty (black men don't eat pootie; good girls don't give blow jobs) that is built up because of the repression that is left over from the Puritans.
At the core of the intimacy problem is the commitment to pleasing one another EXCLUSIVELY. To lay behind oneself the outside influences and finding a place where you come together with your partner.
That was what helps the intimacy for that blond in the Mid East. Not getting all hot and yeasty in that get up. The fact that her along with her husband had a place in the world that was just the two of them to share and explore one another, no pretensions.
In the States, there are all sort of distractions and expetations. So you get crap articles sold like the one you mentioned, and they feed the deep rift, only separating men and women by the legnth of a step, but as deep the world is wide.(btw, this is the long comment of the day!!)
Her thesis, as I understand it, has some merit: Most women don't live up to the standards set by the "porn bar"--let's face it; either in looks or, ahem, acrobatic and other talent.
I would like to see the effect of, say, Bedouin tribesmen getting satellite dishes. If that is even possible.
I mean, formerly if your wife was better looking than your camel and smelled marginally better, you considered yourself a lucky Bedouin.
Not just porn but mass media in general raises the bar...debatably to impossible standards. Can you blame the graying of Western civilizations on that, I wonder? I mean, are we not schtupping women enough? Reasonable minds could certainly debate the issue.
I lost my television privileges to the Crash of 2008--but my point is that even if a Bedouin married a really hot Bedouin, she will not be as hot as, say, Lisa Rinna when she is 49 I can guaran-doggone-tee ya that!!
In other words, mass media raises the bar...
Right now in my economic situation I find myself staring at pictures of really well-prepared FOOD, but I digress...
(Dang there are more Earl's here than there are at an English Royal Family wedding's open bar...)
Thanks for the great comments Zen and Mark.
If a man (or woman) has specific and stringent physical requirements for prospective partners, fine. You can have 'im, I no want 'im.
But is that anything new? Men have been "wearing" trophy wives for thousands of years. Women have their own version of trophies just the same. It's anything new. Trite people get what they deserve and always have.
I always end up on the same square. Honest love and sex won't be put down by media or porn.
If some guy expects all women to be Jenna Jamison in bed, isn't that his problem?
Wow ... glad you forgave the spelling errors! I have an issue with that, outside of not knowing how to spell!
But anywho ...
I can only speak for me, in this case. I prefer creating a Jenna Jameson than marrying one. That is to say, I want to grow so close and make that woman feel so secure that she will let go of her 'inhibitions' (which I think, most are pretending to have ... I digress) and share that 'secret place' with me.
Porn is marketed and sold through the media in commercials and ads and it becomes normalized. Funny thing is, in a wiki entry on 1984, there is something to the effect that the goal of the party is to desexualize humanity, to where there is no other desire save the desire to serve the party.
With intimacy becoming lost between men and women, we wander aimlessly between material things. Because that is where real deep and meaningful connections are being made, we lose interest in dealing with humanity.
Even the journals and blogs are points of dissonance, where we grow more distant from one another. I already KNOW people who feel more 'connected' with their online selves than they do with being present here in the real world.
I don't know if there is an answer to this question. It isn't just sexual relations that suffer, and it isn't a fault of pornography. It is humanity and what it means to be human. We aren't intimate with ourselves, living out these simulated lives on the internet, which makes it easier to control and manipulate people, not harder and more difficult.
Starting to run out of steam on the subject. I don't blame pornography, because the hypersexualization of humanity does translate into a loss of drive.
I knew a psychologist in Los Angeles who got a lot of beautiful women as patients who complained that their husbands WEREN'T schtupping them.
Here is the diagnosis:
1) Macho rich guy seeks trophy.
2) Spots Ice Queen, who won't give Zen Wizard--who just parked her car--the time of day.
3) Macho rich guy seeks challenge of attaining object, marries her.
4) Maybe schtups her five or six times.
5) Macho rich guy gets to ACTUALLY KNOW Ice Queen--that is, the actual BRAIN that is housed within the beautiful exterior.
6) Turns out her personality SUCKS.
7) Macho rich guy no longer attracted to Ice Queen.
8) Macho rich guy can't divorce Ice Queen, because of, inter alia, California Community Property laws.
9) Both die rich, sexless, and miserable.
###
Not sure if that is on topic or not...
(Most guys aren't "SuperPimped" enough to make a relationship with a porn star "fly" over, like, five dates...they simply are too high maintenance, too adrenaline junkie'd out...and, um, you are not the only Swinging Richard who wants to get in her pants...)
I think the pervasiveness of internet porn can actually "stimulate' intimacy. Back in the day when porn was more taboo, I think women feared it more. We didn't know so much about what men were looking at. We didn't want to know, for fear that we had to compete with those images.
But now that porn is so accessible, almost mainstream, we (women) can look at it too and explore it for ourselves. The taboo is gone. And we realize that we don't have to compete. It's just a fantasy world. Heck, I feel more inferior when I look at some fashion magazines that I do looking at porn.
Now, I know, I may not be representative of the majority of opinions. After all, I did take a class in how to set up a pay~for~porn internet site, and I briefly thought of actually becoming a porn actress. But I became open to those ideas partially because porn has become so mainstream.
The end result of all of that is the thing I used to be afraid of, I became comfortable with. I found that I actually like looking at some porn now and then. It actually created more intimacy with my partner. It became something we could share, get ideas from or satisfy a need or curiosity or fantasy that we didn't have in real life.
Anyway, that's my long winded way of saying I totally agree with you.
i'm content to look at beautifully-staged photos of food.
i'm a-ok in the other dept. thank ye very much.
Oh my god, do I have a lot to say on this subject. Yeah, I do. Don't have time now.
But Naomi Wolf is, IMO, completely full of shit.
Zen: "Schtup" maybe my favorite new word.
DDP: You just have to keep porn in perspective. No matter how much porn is out there, it's unfair to think EVERYONE will take it out of perspective, as I think Wolf suggests.
Swine: Ya' wanna see a pic of my pancakes, baby?
Dean: when I revisited that article, it really struck me as just plain dumb.
Very interesting post, Erin.
I think there are some good things about sex stuff online -- the points you noticed.
BUT.
One thing I've noticed -- um, and heard about from a NUMBER of middle-aged women friends -- (and um, yes, I'm a middle-aged woman myself) --
They want shtupping but their husbands are too busy watching porn.
I think there may be some men out there who cannot be turned on by a real woman, because they have been conditioned by porn.
I love sex and really enjoy it with my S.O. who doesn't look at porn. And I don't want him to. There is no way on God's green earth I can compete with THAT.
Oh yeah, my ex-husband ... extremely infrequent sex over a seven-year-period. He was too busy masturbating and watching porn. Not the main reason we divorced -- but a BIG contributing factor.
Just sayin' that some men seem to get their sexual jollies from porn instead of their partners.
Interesting nytimes.com article on a somewhat related topic: "When Sex Leaves the Marriage."
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/03/when-sex-leaves-the-marriage/
Comments on above article are riveting.
Thanks for an interesting topic and well-thought-out comments, Erin.
--Frequent reader of your blog
Points all very well taken anon and thanks for taking the time to make them. Here's to many years of rockin' on for you and your sig. oth.
Will check your link later. Up to my armpits in 'pooter shtuff.
A beddin' a Beduin,
I be doin' a Beduin,
What might a Beduin do in bed...
This is what rolls around in my brain.
Is there really such a word as vaginea? Or is it a new coinage of yours? I like to keep current on my sex organ verbiage.
Phil, you're back and with poetry no less!
Yep, John. That's the formal plural.
You provided great personal insights and observations about sex, Erin. Your words reflect a considerable amount of, ahem, experience in that department over the years. And it sounds like it's been quite an enjoyable ride for you (no pun intended) especially during your profound, abiding friendship with Goat.
Good for you. Everyone should be so fortunate.
Lou Pumphrey
Yes, John. Erin is correct, as vaginae is the plural form of vagina, which is the Latin word for "sheath."
Conversely, penis, which also is a Latin word, has as its plural form "peneye," which may have been the origin of the slang term, "one-eyed willy." But I'm not sure about that.
Mr. Pumphrey, you never cease to amaze me.
Thanks, Erin. I blame it on working for Funny Times for nearly five years.
One of our humor columns is called "Dr. Science" and after reading his observations lo these many years, his frequently outrageous, hilarious off-the-wall comments have stuck in my cerebrum. It's all his fault.
Lou
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