Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Page 123

The first five sentences on page 123 of the 31st Edition (1996) of the The Associated Press Stylebook and Libel Manual are:

Macau Stands alone in datelines.

(This spelling is a change in AP Style.)

Mace A trademark, shortened from Chemical Mace, for a brand of tear gas that is packaged in an aerosol canister and temporarily stuns its victims.

machine gun (n.) But: machine-gun (v. and adj.), machine-gunner.

See weapons.

* * *

I will now translate this for my Dear Readers.

Macau cannot get a date. Hence, his style manager changed his make-up, apparantly to no avail. The Macau would like very much to see an individual known as "weapons," but has been deterred by a group of armed guards, which are admittedly not very onerous as their machine guns are in their buts.

"weapons" has another suitor, a man named Mace, who has been cut off at the knees and uses a great deal of hairspray, the smell of which disgusts everyone except Mace, who will not go anywhere without using an entire can. He believes the resulting coif is stunning.

Macau will have to pass through Mace as well as the armed guards and the victims of Mace's hairspray (including his very own style manager) in order to get to "weapons." Alas, due to the style changes, this seems unlikely. (The style manager is a 34-year-old virgin. She is also in love with "weapons.")

Accostomed to idolatry, "weapons" has remained unaffected by it all. Conversely, Mace has been crying over the whole situation since anyone can remember. Macau is still waiting.

From the place where assholes are confounded.


deangc said...

If I'm confounded by this whole Macau thing, does that make me an asshole?

I thought for SURE you were going to grab some arcane kinky sex manual. Although as titillation goes, a manual of libel is not far behind.

Simon Sterwin said...

Thanks for that splendid translation.

I discovered to my considerable interest while reading this post that "machine-gun" is only hyphenated when used as a verb or as an adjective.

I had no idea I was a geek to such a seismic extent.

Thank you, Erin O'Brien, for a post which has provoked in this reader such an introspective insight.

Helen Mansfield said...

The first five sentences from page 123 of my 39th Edition of the 2004 AP Style Book:

insofar as

in spite of Despite means the same thing and is shorter.

intelligence quotience IQ is acceptable in all references.

The "Times" they are a changing. Get it?!?!? TIMES! I crack me up.

Anonymous said...

By linking from your blog to that place I have finally found my true identity. A confounded asshole. Praise God from whom all blessings flow.