Dear Mr. DiCosimo,
The Administration is concerned about the Ape. He was last seen defecating in the east. It has come to the attention of the Administration that you have also been commiserating with the Nun who prays in the west. The Administration is aware of your dealings with the nun who prays in the south. These dealings, however, are unimportant to the Administration.
You should know, Mr. DiCosimo, that the Administration is in possession of the note concerning your mother that you gave to the Nun who prays in the west. Said note was gravely received by the Administration, Mr. DiCosimo.
The ruby you hold in your palm is a lie.
The Administration does not, however, advise you to swallow it. Instead, Mr. Dicosimo, the Administration suggests you give the ruby to the Ape who defecates in the east. His subsequent antics will amuse you. Do not give the ruby to the Nun who prays in the west.