Wow. I am sure getting my ass kicked over here.
Here's my favorite:
If I ever find myself teaching a journalism class, I'd hand this out first day, and tell the kids to memorize the first three paragraphs. That way, they'd have learned damn near every lazy-ass trick and trope in the book, they'd have a deep understanding of how to make a mess of an already awkward metaphor (a smoldering pit of ether and porn footage births Rosemary's baby?), they'd know intimately the perils of hamfisted neologism ("cyberborg"?), and most of all they'd learn that a good rule of thumb is that there's never a good reason to let just one or two words stand alone as their own paragraph.
Erin O'Brien of the Cleveland Free Times, you are truly the Pynchon of hack feature writing, and I salute you. The density of cliched phrasing and misused language in your prose will take you very, very far.
Jeepers Creepers! Thank you for your comments Gompa, baby Hey, wanna forget all about this and go make out?
No? Oh, okay.
Now then, for all you other Metafilter babies who stopped by, thanks. For your efforts, here is my companion post to the YouPorn article. Enjoy.