Most of the links in today's entry lead to sexually explicit adult content for those 18 and over only.
In my column this week, HePorn, ShePorn, IPorn, YouPorn, I take on the burgeoning online amateur sex sites, all of which are free free free.
YouPorn and Megarotic.com have Alexa ranks of 45 and 42. the Alexa rank is a popularity number, based on traffic and hits. Yahoo is number one--the most popular site in the world. Google is number two. Wikipedia is number eight. GodTube.com, incidentally, has an Alexa rank of 11,264. The stunningly successful online porn seemed appropriate fodder for your trusty pup culture Girl Columnist. And it would be easy to write about sex, right?
This essay kicked my ass.
I rewrote it four times. To laugh and snort at YouPorn is predictable. So is feminist eye-rolling. Anyone can write those essays, but to talk about material that is intractably crass in an intelligent and honest way is something else. In the end, I was happy with the piece and felt it was original and evocative and that it (ahem) exposed something new about YouPorn and sites like it. The whole experience was strange for me. Depending on what I viewed, I was surprised, repulsed, aroused, disgusted, entertained, bored, angry, disturbed and amazed.
So go on and tear through all these sex links. Then find a few of your own. When you've had your fill and taken care of anything that (ahem ahem) arises, I urge you to return here and click on the link to my essay. I know I say this all the time, but I really hope you'll email the Free Times if you have something to say about this piece. Be sure to include your full name and city. Frank Lewis is the editor.
Enough already. Onto the links.
And who is our next contestant? Come On Down! Note: if you click only one link in this post, let it be this link.
How to use an automatic sex chair.
Swing low, sweet Chariot. I loved this because I imagined all the regular boob-loving guys out there who've longed to see this act ever since they were twelve. Go ahead and have your cake, boys. I imagine your eyes as this footage rolls before you, huge lipid pools. I image your lips gently parted, the sound of your tiny gasps.
Let's go for a stroll.
And how about a Disneyesque interlude?
Her lips are sealed. (eeeek!)
Kids, don't try this at home.
Hey big guy, maybe you ought to show that to a doctor instead of me.
This is the vid I was watching in the YouTube in yesterday's post. It fascinated me, but not for the obvious reasons. Note that the cam is stationary, so they are probably alone. The beginning cracked me up. It certainly put a new spin on the phrase "dining table." The guy looks like he's bellying up for a blue plate special for chrissake! And the woman looks so bored, I wanted to hand her a Better Homes and Gardens to page through. It is particularly funny when you consider how (ahem ahem ahem) hard the guy is working. Not one part of this vid looked like fun to me, though. And wouldn't she be covered with bruises afterwards? Also note that despite all the sex in this video, the filming quality and lighting makes it surprisingly UNgraphic.
This girl sure does love her veggies. Anyone have a good vichyssoise recipe to send her?
"Oh my goodness!"
This seems dangerous to me--and not in a good way. I laughed when I though of the guy who dreamt it up. Or imagine him constructing the cart in his garage; scratching his head when the remote control wouldn't work--some sort of unsavory episode of Orange County Chopper.
You know the curmudgeon set? That group of Golden Agers who go around groaning about how horrible everything is today and how Straight and Simple and Good and Moral everything was in their day?
Hell no, we didn't have any sort of sex like that! And if we did have to have sex, we sure didn't enjoy it!
Next time you run into one of those dandies, show 'em some of these beauties:
Has anybody seen my gal? Yessir, that's my baby!
This site will run you a few wooden nickels.
Life before silicone.
I could not find the vid that featured the overweight 50ish woman and 20ish man. I think they were German. Both her hands dripped in gold. It was long, maybe 25 minutes. Despite the obvious complicity and standard heterosexual fare, the clip bothered me, particularly when I realized someone else was filming it. Why did it bother me? I'm still not sure. But it did. So much so that I navigated away from it in disgust before I thought to note the URL to include in this listing.
This disturbed me. Between the sound in the back and the dazed look on the girl's face--something is terribly wrong here.
And Mr. Smiley face just pissed me off.
Did watching all this sex arouse me? Hey, I'm only human. But experiencing a predictable animal reaction is one thing. Finding something really sexy is another. And I didn't find too much online that was sexy in my book. But babies, I thought this vid was hot hot hot.
Whether or not all of this will give Jenna Jameson a run for her money is anybody's guess. It is a new day in the world of porn, though. It's free and copious and you can gulp down as much as you want without setting one toe out the door. Maybe this is a liberation for droves of people who were always curious, but too embarrassed. Then there's the contingent of porn addicts. YouPorn and its brethren are sure to fire up some bedrooms and vex others, just as porn has been doing for a long, long time.
But YouPorn is the new porn. And for better and for worse, I think it's here to stay.
More commentary. Published Jan. 11, 2008.