1. Who is your partner? A Goat.
2. How long have you been together? Since right after all those other guys.
3. How long did you date? Dunno. Just remember waking up one day and his head was buried in my chest.
4. How old is your partner? Who cares? He's hot as hell.
5. Who eats more? Mind your manners, please!
6. Who said "I love you" first? It was a breakfast place. Filthy silly little joint, really. I always got a bagel with a side of bacon and a V8.
7. Who is taller? Depends on what day it is.
8. Who sings better?
9. Who is smarter? I am me. He is him. He married me. I married him. You decide.
10. Whose temper is worse? Once I threw a glass across the kitchen. It was not an important glass. I think it was blue.
11. Who does the laundry? I do it correctly. He does it incorrectly, although I try not to complain when he folds my pants funny.
12. Who takes out the garbage? I do it incorrectly. He does it correctly. However, when I inadvertently throw out the paring knife or electric bill, he retrieves it.
13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? I am usually on the right side of the bed, but then again, so is my Dearly Beloved. Unless of course one of us is on the wrong side of the bed, in which case, I crawl on top of him and commence tickling his nose.
14. Who pays the bills? Me.
8. Who proposed? He took me to one of the finest restaurants in Cleveland, The Baricelli Inn. I had lamb medallions. He gave me a solitaire diamond, which I thought was the most beautiful thing in the world, despite my usual indifference to jewelry. I stopped a group of diners on their way in as we walked to the car and showed them the ring.
"He asked me to marry him and I said yes!"
15. Who is better with the computer? You never, ever want to watch the Goat interact with a computer.
16. Who mows the lawn? You never ever want to watch me interact with the lawnmower.
17. Who cooks dinner? These people want to eat Every. Single. Day. Drives me crazy.
18. Who drives when you are together? "Sex drive" is a weird term. We all know the conventional definition, but wouldn't it be fun if there was a Sex Drive that was like one of those drive-through jungle-things wherein you pass by the animals and a monkey sits on your car? The Erin O'Brien Sex Drive would be interactive and surreal, but friendly too, like one of the psychedelic animated sketches from an old Beatles movie.
74. Who pays when you go out? When we were dating, my Splendid King always paid. He never made a show of it and always tipped well. The way a person handles their money reveals a lot. Despite his cloven hooves, the Goat handled his money perfectly, both figuratively and literally. He still does.
20. Who is most stubborn? He's a Goat for chrissake!
21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? See number 20.
23. Who kissed who first? See number 24.
24. Who asked who out? I was sitting at my desk smoking a cigarette and considering a towering pile of invoices. I don't remember what day it was. My Dearly Beloved's head popped into my doorway.
"Bunch of us are going to Zemba's for a beer after work," he said. "Wanna come?"
"Sure," I said. I thought he was the sexiest man alive.
Zemba's was a rough and tumble joint in the Cuyahoga River Valley. You could get packaged smelts, pickled eggs or a gooseliver and onion sandwich at Zemba's Zaloon. Nicky Zemba was the owner. The joint had been in business back when my great grandfather was growing sweetcorn a few miles away.
That night, the Goat lit my cigarettes and bought me longneck Buds. He kissed me in the dusty parking lot. That was that.
26. Who is more sensitive? An accurate answer to this question would require getting way too far inside the head of Goat.
29. Who wears the pants in the family? As long as you have enough of the right sort of marital aids, it really doesn't matter, but I'm pretty quick about taking mine off.
And here's a shout to ajooja for inspiring me to do this!