Sunday, April 22, 2007

Sunday morning share time #28: inbox jamboree

I received two correspondences of note this week. The first emerged from a velvet fog on the wings of a two-tone Chevy. I'm still trying to decipher it:

I believe men who are in good cardiovascular shape are significantly more likely than men who are not in good cardiovascular shape to have better stamina/staying power/pre-ejaculatory erection longevity. Because of simple biology.

To elaborate -- I believe perpetuation of the species is behind the demonstrated fact that men are always capable of achieving orgasm and generally (always?) do achieve orgasm (even in those occasional (frequent?) instances when they don't quite yet mean to). Historically, that is, creating babies required, at a minimum, male orgasm.[1] And each man's body knows its physical condition, its available quantum of effort and activity before exhaustion and incapability overwhelms. And the species is more likely to be perpetuated and the population increased if all men, however feeble their physiques and however incompetent their resultant lovemaking, be sowers of seed. So for the sake of all humanity, all specimens, from 1942's Yul Brunner to the lowliest of specimens with the least sound hearts, lungs, and muscles are invited, nay, compelled to leave their donation (that is a euphemism) ... before they peter out (pun intended). It just takes a lot longer to get to that point if you're resting heart rate is 50 and your VO2 max is standard deviations above the mean.

[1] This footnote contains not a central point but a provocative one: to my knowledge, past and present procreation is indifferent to female orgasm (as are, perhaps, too many partners).

My only comment is this: hey buddy, what about egg availability? No egg, no baby. And regarding your cavalier attitude toward the Girl Climax, if the egg is not fertilized on Mr. Squirty's attempt #1 and there is no female climax, Mr. Squirty may not get a second chance to go on the ol' egg hunt. If he does and still fails to deliver a glimmering orgasm unto his lady, chances for a third go-around are even lower. That said, should Mr. Marvelous induce a mind-numbing climax the first time around, he's going to have many, many opportunities to--shall we say--fry an egg.

The second correspondence was down-right psychic. You all know how I feel about Hotballs. Could it be they have something for me?

The British Hot-ball Lotto
Liverpool United Kingdom


Being officially assigned to select winners across the globe, the management is pleased to inform you of the result of the Hot-ball Lotto GBP millions British Lottery Winners International E-mail programs held on the 11th January 2007 and result where release on the 13th April, 2007 ...

The email went on and on. Were one of you bloggers playing a funny on me or have all the Hotballs out there united over in Britain in order to hold a lottery just for my benefit?

Hotballs, those who procreate, those who climax, or those who just have something to say are welcome to contact me by any number of means.

Rock on babies!


Dean said...

My god, here on the owner's manual it's all balls, all the time. It's wall to wall balls.

BALLS. There, I said it.

Anonymous said...

Mr Squirty goes on an egg hunt...?

I'm sure they made us read that book at school.

Norm said...

All Mr Squirty needs to do is to misinterpret Nietzche along with his misinterpretation of evolutionary bology, and get a spiffy uniform, and watch out Poland.

PS: In my experience, O'Brien, you are correct.

josh williams said...

I will speak for the men on this one.First and foremost we all desire your most ultimite climax. We are most talkative after climax we just prefer to speak in snores.I as a rule don't like people speaking for me unless it makes me look cool or smart or both. So the men who I speak for may or may not agree but I think we all agree with one thing. The remote control is the single most important invention of modern times. Early times we dicovered water and fire then came the remote..©JWW

jamwall said...

yul brynner didn't need to go to an egg. rather, the eggs would come to yul brynner.

emmapeelDallas said...

But there is plenty of evidence that past and present procreation is NOT indifferent to female orgasm...research is referenced on this topic under "sperm upsuck theory" (I'm not kidding)...and there's a theory that women who have multiple orgasms are more likely to release more than one egg during ovulation, resulting in fraternal twins...

(coincidentally and happily, mother of fraternal twins)