Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Puffies, chubbies and fluffy little kitties

Mr. Beautiful: Just read the piece of erotica you wrote on that guest blog.

Erin O'Brien: Did you like it?

Mr. Beautiful: It surely gave me a puffy.

Erin O'Brien: A puffy? Calling it a 'puffy' is the gayest thing I ever heard.

Mr. Beautiful: What? It's a puffy.

Erin O'Brien: It's even too gay for actual gay guys. If you said "puffy" to a gay guy, he'd say, "Puffy? That's gay."

Mr. Beautiful: It's no big deal, I just call it that.

Erin O'Brien: Puffy is a name for a kitten. Kittens are called Puffy, not dicks.

Mr. Beautiful: You know what I mean. "Puffy" means just a little bit erect.

Erin O'Brien: Holy shit! Never tell anyone that again!

Mr. Beautiful: But that's how it works.

Erin O'Brien: "Hello, My name is Mr. Beautiful and I'm a little bit erect."

Mr. Beautiful: You are a woman. You don't understand. It's a guy thing. There are different levels for different situations.

Erin O'Brien: Beautiful, the more you say about this subject the worse it gets.

Mr. Beautiful: It's like an elevator or a t.v. commercial.

Erin O'Brien: Dear sweet Jesus.

Mr. Beautiful: Okay, I'll stop.

Erin O'Brien: Oh, don't. I find this infinitely amusing.

Mr. Beautiful: Guys understand what it means.

Erin O'Brien: Tonight's program will feature "Six Degrees of Erection" by Mr. I. M. Beautiful.

Mr. Beautiful: Puffy or chubby, it's the same thing.

Erin O'Brien: Beautiful will explain his theory of the six degrees of erection using simple language (chubby, puffy) and universal comparisons (elevators, t.v. commercials). In this heartwarming presentation, Beautiful is sure to reach the inner man in every man!

Mr. Beautiful: Ask your husband what a chubby is and get him to explain it.

Erin O'Brien: Beautiful will also elaborate on the female form of the chubby, commonly known as the "moist."

Mr. Beautiful: Maybe don't ask your husband. He'll beat me up when he finds out we were talking about dicks.

Erin O'Brien: But we're not talking about big hard dicks, we're only talking about puffy dicks, which are about as threatening as a fluffy little kitty!

Mr. Beautiful: Stop talking about your pussy, O'Brien.

Erin O'Brien: Okay, Beautiful.

Mr. Beautiful: Goodnight, O'Brien.

Erin O'Brien: Goodnight, Beautiful.

Sorry folks, but this site started to get so many spam comments, that I had to shut them off on Dec. 10, 2006.

30 comments:

Dean said...

'Puffy' is definitely pink. With a frilly bow.

I think we need a Universal Descriptive Code for the State of Male Erectile Tissue. This would solve everyone's problem, and make the world a better place. And if it saves just one child...

Erin O'Brien said...

You know of course, Cochrane, that I will go through the rest of the day thinking of a nice pink dick with a frilly bow around it.

Just for me!

Richard said...

Personally I like "Woody", or "Hard On". You are right, even gay guys would not refer to it as Puffy. Geez, I don't even like Chubby. IT'S NOT.

Jozee said...

Now besides knowing guys have individual names for their Johnsons we have to know there are different names for different stages of arousal? Oh- it's all too much! lol

Winters said...

My dear Erin,
Puffies don't erupt.
They burst.

Come to Paris and I will tell you stories of Vesuvius and Krakatoa.

Pammy said...

I don't believe I've ever heard the term "puffy"...in that particular context, anyway. But it does sound gay. 'Course, "poofy" would sound even worse.
My Zig calls his...uh...puffy... a "semi". It always makes me think of a big truck...and when I think of a big truck in that context, I think of...wait for it.........a Peterbilt. hehehe

Bill Fitzgerald said...

Edawg,

Eyelids are puffy, puffs of smoke dissipate quickly, and even Puff Daddy became P. Diddy. Now, if your friend is talking about the puff adder, defined in my Webster's as "a thick-bodied, extremely venomous, African viper," well, that's a different story.

FITZ

Hal said...

The only time I've heard the word "puffy" used in a sexual way was to describe a certain kind of aerola, which is, indeed puffy.

But never to describe the aroused state of a penis.

Ever.

Furthermore, I have never, ever, heard a slang term to describe a state of semi-arousal, because...well...men are either aroused or they're not.

Woody? An oldie but a goodie. Hard-on? Ditto. Boner? Tritto.

But puffy?

It's not gay.

It's not even heard of.

Hell, it's just WRONG!

zorgon said...

I have heard a ridiculous number of euphemisms applied to male tumescence, but never that one. I suppose there's always room for one more -- but that one would be pretty derisive. Like something you'd hear on a porn set. "Oh oh. Puffy. someone call a fluffer!"

Toby said...

Puffy is gay. I'm embarrassed for Mr. Wonderful. Chubby? Never heard that before either when referencing a hard cock, but I have heard it used to describe a big fat joint of the kind.

Fire up that chubby.

~d said...

Puffy? Like Diddy used to be P.Diddy used to be Puff Daddy used to be...
I have heard of Peter Puffers.
(ahem)
he found you through me?!
Jeez.

Bugwit Homilies said...

Would you prefer that guys all walk around rock-hard all the time?

Favorite line from 'Strangers with Candy': I like the pole and the hole, and right now I'm as moist as a snack cake down there. So, why don't you come over to my crib after school, and I'll make your pinky alllll STINKY.

Bobby Farouk said...

A puffy is what you hope doesn't happen while you are trying not to look at a painting of fruit as you sit on the examining table in your underwear waiting for the woman doctor to walk in.

A woody is what happens in the morning after that amazing dream where you ski down from the Alps into that small village where the blond maids are smiling and wanting to show the way to the hot springs. It is the thing your wife will tell you doesn't count so please go away.

A boner is what you get when you aren't get much and can't get over the idea that the days of getting much are over.

An erection is a thing women in television ads smile about. It is also an aid for throwing a football through a tire hanging from a tree limb.

A hard-on is a manager at the office who thinks he knows what he is doing. Sometimes this same person is called a peckerhead.

Helen Mansfield said...

Yeah, I'm with Tilde.
Professional staffers on porn films who are in charge of keeping the talent hard are called "fluffers."
That's pretty damn gay if you asked me ...

Erin O'Brien said...

Richard. I am also very fond of woodies as well as hard-ons. I must disagree on the other point. I've seen a few that could be described as chubby. I refrained, however, from suggesting a diet.

Jozee: I know. I'm effing exhausted. Open a nice bottle of Pinot Noir, honey, and we can rub each other's feet.

Winters: Slow and dark and wet and easy and hard. And slow. the slow part is important. Yes.

Pammy: Semi. I love this. I thought of semi-soft cheese, but your truck is much, much better.

Fitz: Hi. I've met one or two that could be called "thick-bodied, extremely venomous." Wow. I miss those guys!

Hal: My nipples are not puffy, they are just dumb regular nipples. Send help.

Zorgon: "Darling, your masculinity is wonderfully tumescent!" I love you truly, but that ain't getting it for me either. I wonder if I could get a job as a fluffer.

toby: But now that we have the connotation, I must admit, "Fire up that chubber" gives me a bit of the naughties.

~d: Girl, you and I need to hire someone to help keep the men organized for us. I'm getting confused.

Bug: Yes. I would prefer all men walk around all the time with huge aching erections intended only for me. I like to think of them endlessly masturbating and saying my name again and again. I admit it, I have ISSUES.

Farouk: The sky was the color of a Crayola crayon. We were halfway through a bottle of something cheap that tasted wonderful. The blanket. Laughing, me pullling you down. The taste of you.

Helen: Clearly, you and me and ~d would be excellent fluffers. We could have tee shirts made up. We'll need a theme song. And a studio apartment to share, wherein we can entertain our extracurriculars.

Henri Banks said...

he is sooo gay when Erin have to stop talkin about her pussy,i got it Mr. Beautiful is a gay penis narcist!!
did i won something did i did i?

Zen Wizard said...

Why is "puffy" gayer than "chubby"?? "Chubby" sounds either gay or British.

(Or maybe a very worldly gay guy?)

There has got to be something that is better than either of them, though--I'm thinking like maybe "shrub" or "sprout" or "twig"--because you have a "little bit of wood."

We have to invent something for this condition, 'cause it occurs at two very common times:

1) Watching the same bad porn for the third time; and,

2) Having sex with your wife or significant other or somebody else you are not that excited about for the third time.

(Which was immortalized in the song, "Comin' On Empty," but that describes the orgasm and not the precedent condition.)

Bostick said...

It just kinda puffs up. Not erect enought to "put it in" just kinda puffs..

Winters said...

Quite simply a "semi."
OR
"Nursing wood."

Tits McGee said...

I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down.

Erin O'Brien said...

Henri: You won something, baby. You so won something. I don't know what, but you won it.

Zen. Congratulations. It is before 7 a.m. and you've made me want a drink. You mean to tell me My Dearly Beloved stopped caring about that shit after we did it three times?

You and Beautiful ought to get together and hash out this whole chubby shrubby puffy twiggy sprout shit. I'm scared.

Bostick: I see I've inspired yet another man's burning desire. "Sorry, honey, it's not erect enough for that. Pass me the clicker, Snookums, and the chips."

Winters: Baby, if you need anything nursed, you come on over here and let me give it a nice big kiss.

Tits: I think "little piggy" might be the best nickname for our semi-dick yet!

Jesus Toast said...

When my cock gets rock hard and the veins start popping out of the sides of the shaft and just the littlest dollup of pre-cum sits atop my purple-headed rock-hard-pulsating-man-tool, I call it my Pretty-Petunia-Buttercup, and I know that's not gay.

Libby Spencer said...

And people wonder why I hang out here... I tell them it's an educational blog. Before this I only knew three of the degrees of erection.

Richard said...

Pretty Petunia Buttercup.
Damn.

Doug Hoffman said...

Fergit puffies. Full-on hardons at my place, woo-hoo! Head on over, O'Brien.

BTW, I wouldn't be caught dead calling He Who Must Be Obeyed "puffy". Jeez.

~d said...

Oh Holy Jesus Toast! WOW! What imagery THERE!
Eff me!

Bugwit Homilies said...

Erin: You've just described my average day. Perhaps we should get together.

Erin O'Brien said...

JT: I will bring my dollies and tea set. We can have a party!

Libby: You've made my day. Education is our number one goal here at the Owner's Manual.

Richard: Doesn't it sound like something you want to eat?

Hoff: you just called it He Who Must Be Obeyed. Wow.

~d: Isn't Jesus talented.

Bug: **sigh**

Anonymous said...

Puffy the Dick sounds like a kids show hosted by a pedophile, perhaps Jim Nabors, Pedophile, USMC

Gager
ugly

Lipp said...

Erin is correct on the gayness.

Hal is correct on the nips.(google it)

There is a novel, either "The Onion Field" or "Blue......(i forget)" that addresses the semi (a correct term) in my favorite way:
the semi is a "blue vainer", and full-mast (another good term in itself) is called a "Diamond Cutter"