Monday, August 14, 2006
Goddamnit. This is the worst goddamn thing.
Although that statement might apply to the general discord that is the surface of my desk, what I'm specifically referring to is the candy wrapper in the center of the pic.
Effing Butterfinger Crisp.
No. Stop. Do not. Cease and Desist. Danger, danger. Warning Will Robinson. Stay back. Move away. Do not continue to read this post unless you want to suffer the fate I know so well.
See it's not just a candy bar like a candy bar. It's got this effing Butterfinger cream that totally has that whole Butterfinger mojo going on. But in a cream form instead of a crunch form.
So, you say, what about the crunch? I need crunch, you say.
Well effing dig this for your mother effing crunch:
There's these crispy wafer layers, bunches of them, which snap you directly into a quasi-KitKat state of mind, but different. The KitKat scene is way firmer, more like a cookie. With one of these bad boys, you don't want to chew with too much intent. You want to bite it and sort of crush the crispy layers against the roof of your mouth so the butterfinger cream presses out and breaks through the chocolate coating. Then you sort of suck that out and then get down with the wafers.
Oh for chrissake, you know what I'm talking about.
Tragedy, people. This is what tragedy looks like. These effers don't last real long around me. The one on the desk was a fun-size version.
Fun-size my ass!
Here's an example of how terrible the situation is. I meet this good buddy of mine for a cup of joe. We decide we're too hungry for just coffee and split a meatball sandwich instead. Okay fine. He goes back to work, I go back to my idiotic Erin activities. I've had plenty to eat. In fact, I'm slightly overfed. But, as I'm walking to my car, I stop in front of a newsstand, turn and enter same.
Sixty-nine cents and about 2.75 minutes later, I am no longer just Erin + lunch, but Erin + lunch + one entire full size Butterfinger Crisp bar.
Do not laugh, mother effers. You have been assimilated.
Look. I'm sorry. But this is just the way it is. It is almost as bad as Heath Bar disease (no shit).
Life. Is. Not. Fair.