Monday, August 14, 2006

Badfinger



Goddamnit. This is the worst goddamn thing.

Although that statement might apply to the general discord that is the surface of my desk, what I'm specifically referring to is the candy wrapper in the center of the pic.

Effing Butterfinger Crisp.

No. Stop. Do not. Cease and Desist. Danger, danger. Warning Will Robinson. Stay back. Move away. Do not continue to read this post unless you want to suffer the fate I know so well.

Eff.

See it's not just a candy bar like a candy bar. It's got this effing Butterfinger cream that totally has that whole Butterfinger mojo going on. But in a cream form instead of a crunch form.

So, you say, what about the crunch? I need crunch, you say.

Well effing dig this for your mother effing crunch:

There's these crispy wafer layers, bunches of them, which snap you directly into a quasi-KitKat state of mind, but different. The KitKat scene is way firmer, more like a cookie. With one of these bad boys, you don't want to chew with too much intent. You want to bite it and sort of crush the crispy layers against the roof of your mouth so the butterfinger cream presses out and breaks through the chocolate coating. Then you sort of suck that out and then get down with the wafers.

Oh for chrissake, you know what I'm talking about.

Tragedy, people. This is what tragedy looks like. These effers don't last real long around me. The one on the desk was a fun-size version.

Fun-size my ass!

Here's an example of how terrible the situation is. I meet this good buddy of mine for a cup of joe. We decide we're too hungry for just coffee and split a meatball sandwich instead. Okay fine. He goes back to work, I go back to my idiotic Erin activities. I've had plenty to eat. In fact, I'm slightly overfed. But, as I'm walking to my car, I stop in front of a newsstand, turn and enter same.

Sixty-nine cents and about 2.75 minutes later, I am no longer just Erin + lunch, but Erin + lunch + one entire full size Butterfinger Crisp bar.

Eff!

Do not laugh, mother effers. You have been assimilated.

Look. I'm sorry. But this is just the way it is. It is almost as bad as Heath Bar disease (no shit).

Life. Is. Not. Fair.

Goddamnit.

19 comments:

gretchenhr said...

But what about the way Butterfingers always make your teeth stick together, if only for a moment, when you chew. That was the best.
Heath Bars? They Rock!

Jesus Toast said...

I am a bad person.

Just reminding you.

Paul said...

"Fun-size my ass"--I'd been assuming that it was fun-sized, so I am please to have confirmation.

Toby said...

Halloween is on the horizon. There is no better excuse to buy for or five bags of the fun-sized.

Kids: Trick or treat

Erin: Go away!

Darby M. Dixon III said...

Oh no.

Erin O'Brien said...

Yes Gretchen, I am familiar with the phenomenon of which you speak. You will not experience same with the Crisp version. This is a more sophisticated experience, more addictive. Like absinthe over Wild Turkey. Both good--but different.

JT: This is why I love you, darling.

Paul: Actually, it's an invitaion, with "fun-size" being the verb.

Toby: Little Halloween mother-effers.

Dixon: Oh yes.

Erin O'Brien said...

I just fielded this comment in a private email from an associate who prefers to remain anonymous. I think we can all see why.

"Those fucking butterfinger wafer things were the death of me one weekend. I don't go near them anymore."

A sad, albeit important, disclosure.

Roxi said...

muther fucking fun sized bull shit..

I hear ya girl!! I am soooo with ya !!

Hope Dangling said...

butterfingers are the ONLY candy bars I ingest. period. the ONE and ONLY. You chose wisely.

Dean said...

I do like fun-size at Halloween, though.

Me: "Look at these! They're so cute! And not fattening. They're teeny. How many calories can they have?"

sxKitten: "As long as you don't get carried away."

(extended rustling sounds of Dean opening fun-size bars)

Me, fifty-two 'fun-size' hits-o-candy-crack later: "Eff."

Anonymous said...

ahhhhh but there's nothing better than a mouthfull of peanut butter from a reese's peanut butter cup - from the special holiday size one's - easter eggs, christmas trees, pumpkins.......they do make pumpkin ones, right????

Bostick said...

fifth avenues are better, for real try one you will go yum..

Last Girl On Earth said...

Damn you Erin. I happen to live over a 24 hour Korean grocery store. Now I'm going to HAVE to go downstairs and see if they have one of these "effers". And do you think that is bad enough... I live next to NOT ONE, BUT TWO effing Italian Bakeries. At least the bakeries are shut at this hour...

Jozee said...

Is this a once a month thing?

It does sound yummy.

Libby said...

Ow, just thinking about it makes my teeth hurt.

~d said...

I'm the cream of the crop, I rise to the top
I never eat a pig cause a pig is a cop
Or better yet a terminator
Like Arnold Schwarzenegger
Try'n to play me out like as if my name was Sega

(at least its not Vanilla Ice)

Blonde Vigilante said...

See...it's not that life isn't fair...it's that eating enough of those will make you have to walk an extra effing mile a day and nobody wants to do that.

Bostick said...

Hi. Nobody is looking at my blog and that sucks so I am posting at every blog I run across trying to get readers. Please look at my blog I feel like a loser because my wife is the only one who has commented. Thanks, im I am not a perv or anything haha

Erin O'Brien said...

Roxi: I like the way you added "bull shit."

HD: Really? No Heath bars? No Reeses Cup? Damn, chick, you are severe.

Dean: That's exactly the emotion behind my "fun size my ass" comment.

Anon: Not sure about pumpkins. Or nipple-shaped ones. Do they have nipple-shaped?

Bostick: You must read this.

Last Girl: I am evil. This is what I do. I cannot help myself.

Jozee: I wish I could blame my feminine moon-swept tendencies, but I cannot. I just eat 'em.

Libby: Go floss immediately!

~d: Hey! You got your butter in my finger! Or is it my finger in your butter? Wait a minute ...

BV: Effing hell. I walk so much as it is, I can't even say. Erf.

Bostick: Now you bein phat. I done commented, baby!