Monday, July 17, 2006

Dancing with the love goddess in the first light of dawn

It is five in the morning.

I am in bed. Breath washes in and out of me and I feel my life with each its waves. Chirps from squirrels and coos of mourning doves are clear in the morning air, which smells sweet and fecund as it wafts in through the open windows. The fan above the bed chills me just enough so that I pull the sheet up and lift it a bit before letting it fall, soft and gentle, upon my skin.

My splendid king and I have just done what men and women in bed do on mornings such as this.

He is very near sleep, but my body still thrums with the energy of climax. I listen to the sound of him, the barely audible inhalations and exhalations. His arm lay upon my back. There is the weight of it. There is the warmth of his flesh.

Our daughter sleeps in the next room.

I have two hours to doze and dream and traverse the thin plenum that separates asleep from awake as many times as I wish.

There is nothing that could improve my life at this moment. Not a million dollars or being taller or longer legs or a slimmer waist. This moment would not be better if there were a BMW Z4 in the garage. This is a perfect moment.

This is what it is like to be a god.

Therein, dear reader, is my purple, velvet-draped demise. Oh hubris, how you tempt and destroy me.

The strange tingle I feel deep in the flesh of my foot hardly garners my attention. But then, faster than I can say "orgasm," it escalates into an angry cramp and at once my big toe is unnaturally and painfully distended.

I stretch out my leg silently, trying not to wake my husband. It has no effect.

"ow ow ow"

I slide from under his arm and he rolls over. I stand and commence the Idiotic Foot Cramp dance with which we are all familiar.

"ow ow ow goddamn ow shit ow"

My big toe is a defiant exclamation point, protesting having to be part of my foot. The cramp is remarkably indifferent to my efforts. I put more fervor into my hopping and stamping.

Then, dear reader, Erin go boom.

On my way down, I flail at the nightstand in an effort to stop the tumble, but instead end up only taking the cup of water with me. It splashes. I thud. The hard plastic of the cup hits the hard wood floor and bounces again and again. I am doused, naked and splayed on the floor.

My daughter rouses and comes to see.

My husband peers over the edge of the bed with bewilderment.

The cramp, having accomplished its mission, subsides.


Toby said...


Brookelina said...

Oh that was ...brilliance. Sheer brilliance. I love you truly.

PDD said...

I thought I was the only one who got those tingles in the feet.

I can't tell you how much I can't stand those foot cramps. They seem as bad as giving birth. What you have to do is get up and stretch it out by placing the cramped foot behind you and take the other let, the uncramped foot and take a step forward and bend forward to stretch out the cramped foot. The postition looks similar to that of one having taken a big step and sort of beding.

~ good girl ~ said...

lol. I'm curious to know what your dessert might have said. The fact that he'd peered over the bed in bewilderment assures me that this is not a normal sight in Erin O'Brien's bedroom. Or is it?


Blonde Vigilante said...

Fucking charlie horses. Bastards. Flex baby, flex.

Karen Little said...

At least it wasn't deep vein thrombosis. It's also nice that you have a kid and still get to have weekend sex. It gives me hope for the future...

~d said...

I wish I didn't identify.
This is GREAT!

nadina said...

I've giving myself a full blown anxiety attack from a cramp thinking it was a deep vein thrombosis. I had forgotten about that. I was happier thinking about the sex.

Goat said...

Although YOUR life may not need improvement, I on the other hand have cleared a space in the garage for the BMW!

Vince said...

This sounds really good. Even the cramp part. Especially the naked part. You gotta have some complications, or things may get a little boring...

Paul said...

Well, it only gets worse as you get older, Babe. I've been through popped hamstrings, calf cramps, quad seizures, and back spasms...toe cramps don't even count anymore. The key is never to let on...keep your eyes on the prize. I don't even wince. We all have our priorities.

sxKitten said...

When I cramp up, it's always my hips, and it's always during, rather than after.

Not that we let that slow us down.

Toby said...

This was all a ruse to get Goat to clean the garage.

Erin O'Brien said...

Toby: I know you know what I'm talking about.

Brooke: I had to do something to make up for the cat and ass juice post.

PDD: How about that wierd itch you get that feels like it's in the center of the flesh of your foot and you can't scatch it no matter how furiously you try?

good girl: Is it normal to see me naked and splayed and wet in our bedroom? I'm not touching that one.

BV: Yoga. I should start back up with the yoga.

KL: You just have to make the kid play and play and play and run and run and run. That makes for a deep sleeper.

~d: I hope you identify more with the sex part than the cramp part.

nadina: Shit. Now I have to worry about that thrombosis shit. Shit.

Goat: You goat!

Vince: True. And life around here is always exciting.

Paul: Good grief! Don't tell me that! Just let me live on in blissful ignorance for a bit longer ...

sxK: I so know what you mean. It's not easy keeping your legs up there like that.

Toby: Am I not a genius?

zorgon said...

Bananas. It's the potassium. Stop those cramps before they start.

Dean said...

I am doused, naked and splayed on the floor.

You know, you could probably charge some pretty big dough for that.

~d said...

crap-ass...I re-read how I wrote that-and no, I identify with the crampage.
I don't get morning wood.

Jozee said...

Except for the cramp and falling down it sounds like a good theme for a party!

Lipp said...

You obviously need someone, someone with a "Bad Motherfucker" wallet to give you a damn good foot ticklin' or nuthin.

josh williams said...

I feel your pain, my foot was killing me day before yesterday, yesterday I was a limping fool trying to figure out how I had reinjured the little ped. Today its about cured. You dont have a doll that looks remarkably like Sean Connery that youve been sticking needles in its foot the last few days have you? Nice story by the way.

Mone said...

I hope your kid made breackfast for you, after you are so weak already that you are falling on the floor =)

Mone said...

Sorry, breakfast!
Looks better =)

Toby said...

Yes, Erin, I know exactly what you are talking about. They've been worse lately, but I've not fallen down yet.

You are genious.

Zen Wizard said...

The charley horse was jealous of your domestic bliss.

Denny Shane said...

I've had dreams about falling out of bed... I wonder if that means I'll be hitting the lottery?

kim said...

omg hilarious and wonderfully written too!
i had one the other morning just as i was waking up ... you know the muscle that runs up the inside of your thigh? i was on my knees ...and not voluntarily :)

Eve said...

Erin. You hot bitch.

Erin O'Brien said...

Zorgon: I am seriously considering your advice. Perhaps I can find a way to share said experience with you.

Dean: I don't know, dude. It' wasn't pretty.

~d: I'll bet a hot chick like you could get all the morning wood she wants.

Jozee: The very best kind of party.

Lipp: I'm all yours, baby.

Josh: I had no idea that abusing my Sean Connery doll would eff you up so bad. Damn!

Mone: When she does, it's usually something like Jello and peanut butter. Yum.

Toby: You and I should start a club or circle or something.

Zen: This is of course the truth. How insidious these things can be.

Denny: I'm afraid not. It means you will one day swim in a vat of lukewarm Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup. Sorry.

Kim: Welcome and thanks for the vote of confidence. This is what it's all about here at the Owner's Manual: Bringing people together.

NG: rowr

Henri Banks said...

O deery thats a story!!!

Toby said...

The love news reporters, hate cramp, love salad club? I'm game.

~d said...

(~d wanders into the wood behind her house looking for a nice twig to wake up next to)

mushroom said...

OMG you too are a galoot.....

jamwall said...

i've been with someone who would break out into cramps DURING the act.

suddenly you're going around and she leaps out of bed.


::walking around room::

okay, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Hal said...

That's funny!

Anonymous said...

Keep up the good work. thnx!