Friday, July 28, 2006

American tragedy

Anyone can clearly see that these two guys are beer guys.

They are in classic beer guy position. They are wearing beer guy clothes. And, had I been able to preserve the associated audio with this scene, my dear reader would agree that they were talking like beer guys.

"Z'that one of those new Pontiacs?"

"Yeah it is."

"No shit?"

"No shit."

The only problem is that instead of holding cans of beer like they're supposed to be doing, these guys are holding cans of effing Coke.*

Effing hell.

But this was on a city street. During a hometown parade. And it was 11 a.m. And the poor darling, innocent children were everywhere, for pity's sake! What sort of monster would have the audacity to allow the dark side to taint such a quaint and pastoral scene by introducing alcohol?

Face it. Drinking a lousy can of Stroh's would have surely secured their place before a firing squad.

It wasn't always this way.

• Las Vegas, 1986. I gambled all night and sipped a whiskey and soda as I strolled down the strip at sunrise with a would-be Romeo.

• Up until 2001, a passenger in a motor vehicle could have an open container in Texas.

• A tailgate party before a Cleveland Browns game (anywhere downtown) used to start about 9 a.m. for a 1 p.m. game. Beer? Hell yes, they had beer.

• Summer, 1982, a park ranger caught my associates and me drinking 3.2 beer. "Pour it out, my little friends," he directed. We did.

"Next time," he said as we upended the last can, "you kids get yourself those big red plastic cups. You put the cups in the car. You put the beer in the car." He looked at each of us purposefully. "You want a beer? You go in the car. You pour your beer in your cup. You get out of the car and you go on with your party." Another pause. "I drive by, all I see is kids with cups and no one's got any problems. Right?"

"Right," we said.

Wonder what would happen to a cop if he did that today.

I am not delusional. I know that having all that in the past is probably a good thing. Nonetheless, I know a beer guy when I see one and when the beer guys shown in the photo got home and popped a cold one that day, I for one, deflated with relief.

Beer guys shown are associates Mike Baraona, left, and Scott Bengston. Click to enlarge.

*Notably, the situation could be worse. They might have been holding cans of Pepsi, which was not only promoted by Britney Spears, but was also the name painted on the side of a truck that goddamn near ran me over as I was walking the earth the other day. Beer truck drivers are usually beer guys and always stop to let me have the right of way.


Dean said...

The times, they have reflected my own beer-drinking ways. I'm a beer guy who doesn't drink much beer any more, but who did back in the day (as the kids say).

I didn't reduce my beer consumption out of concern for the children, or in deference to authority or the whims of society. I had to slow down because the stuff upsets my stomach.

God, I wish I had a beer right now.

Strow said...

I remember a story much the same as the park ranger one you blogged about. This gives me reason to make a new post. Thanks for the idea Erin.

I am a beer guy. Proof will follow with pics and a new post!!!

Dax Montana said...

As I'm drinking a beer, I recall a very eerily simmilar conversation with a park ranger. Times have indeed changed. Just Damn!

~d said...

Mickey's Big Mouth, anyone?!
Yup. It was either Mickey's or whiskey on the rocks-HOLD the rocks!
(*still trippin on the nail clippers, dude!)

Bill Fitzgerald said...


I'm another mildly reformed beer guy, but I have the pathetic memory of once pouring beer into empty soda cans to avoid detection. Trust me, transferring Meister Brau into a Sprite can does nothing to improve the taste, not that you could make it worse.



Dongley Shlongford said...

I lost track of Harry Reems in the late eighties. It is good to see that he is doing well there in Ohio.

zorgon said...

Well, you know, if you cut the top and bottom off a Coke can and carefully cut it the long way you can have a can jacket which can be slipped over your beer can so it looks like you're holding a Coke.

Something tells me this isn't news to you.

Hope Dangling said...

It is always sad when beer guys get 'broken'. Especially for a coke. I can't imagine watching a parade sober.

Erin O'Brien said...

Dean: If you are trying to pick up chicks, DO NOT tell them beer upsets your tummy.

Strow: Maybe we were together and just don't remember.

Dax: Maybe you were with me and Strow and we just don't remember.

~d: Good lord, did we really drink that shit?

Fitz: Meister Brau and Sprite ... mmm ... yummy!

Dong: I'll tell Harry you said hello.

Zorgon: This, I like. This, I like a lot.

HD: Broken beer guys everywhere. Boo Hoo.

Roxi said...

beer guys are way better then pepsi guys..

coke is soooo much better then pepsi..

* sigh *

I need to move to vegas...

they know where to have great parties

Brookelina said... one of those guys drinking Diet Coke? That's it. Game over.

Blonde Vigilante said...

Well, fuckin' eh!

josh williams said...


The beer mans food prymaid, although I knocked off the smokes a few years back and the bacon is not a daily staple I still consider my self a beer man!

sxKitten said...

No worries, Erin. Dean's not allowed to pick up chicks anymore (except me, and I already know beer upsets his widdow tumtum, or for the purposes of a threesome, and then he better be stone-cold sober so he juggle those G-spots).

Pat J said...

I was under the distinct impression that beer should be consumed out of dark brown glass bottles. Or maybe steins.

~d said...

Cool-cool. So I am not the only one who admits to Mickey's.
What abt PBR?
Anyone else care to own up to that one?
Or wait-
Drinking with Lincoln!
How abt that one?

Anonymous said...

Erin O'Brien,

It may be beer, it may be wine. Whatever it is, it works. I've read three of your posts. If I read another I will fall in love with you.

Therefore we have to say goodbye forever. And we haven't even met.

Please tell me it doesn't have to be like this.


PS I am an Englishman in Paris, and beer makes me hopelessly romantic. I may go and find a war to fight forthwith.

Erin O'Brien said...

Roxi: I'll come with you. Will roll it all on black and spend the winnings on bevies of randy young men with spectacular schwantzes.

Brooke: We can only hope he was doing Zorgon's trick.

BV: No fuckin' shit!

Josh: I consider you a beer guy, and that surely counts for something.

sxK: Yours is one brave man, juggling g-spots and all (with his widdow tumtum).

Pat J: Or cowboy boots (in a pinch).

~d: Shit. what about Old Dutch, which was $4 for a case of 24 returnables? Tasted like goat piss.

winters: Take the road to the end, where it abuts a clear river. Go left. Knock thrice on the door of the second cottage. Have a basket of ripe cheese and a fine red, a good hard loaf of sourdough if it may be had.

I shall wait, my hair brushed into silken ribbons, upon a bed of feathers and silk.

Go then, luv ...

josh williams said...

It counts for everything! I asked someone who can count, so its for true!

Anonymous said...

goat piss.......goat've drank goat's piss? E you are effin unbelievable!!!

Vince said...

Those are beer guys that have been pu__y whipped. The guy with the diet coke really has it bad.

Vince said...

Okay, this is the second time in a row I was linked here from someone else's blog? Anyway, I used to have a fake coke lable that wraps around your beer can. Never really understood that thing...

Denny Shane said...

I can remember a time when my only friends were beer guys and beer girl groupies. They loved guys that drank beer. Actually I think it was that aromatic smell that attracted the girls.

I have grown up now and only drink wine. Now it's god damned winos following me all around.

Erin O'Brien said...

Josh: Who do you know who can count? Can I have his number?

Anon: I think it was goat piss. Course, a girl can never be sure about these things.

Vince: I had one of those labels too. Best invention of all time. I lost mine. Why not send me yours?

Denny: I must admit that I find kissing a man with a mustache just after he's had a sip of beer one of my all time favorite things. This, however, does not make me a beer guy groupie. Well ... maybe it does.

~d said...

Mmmm-WARM goat piss and generic cigs remind me of days gone by...(sighs and is suddenly nostalgic!)

josh williams said...

I know the woman that knows the math, I got her on the speed dial! Its easy just hit 416546 she knows you gonna call I told her your were/was ?. If it dont work then she aint home or your speed dial is broken.

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