I am in the computer store. I am in search of a webcam. I know nothing of webcams.
An incredibly annoying and blasé computer guy walks by, undoubtedly en route to the cluster of incredibly annoying and blasé computer store guys by the front window. He is trying not to look at me.
"Excuse me," I say in a loud, irritating tone.
He stops dead in his tracks, deflating with an exhalation. "Er, yes?"
"I need some help with a webcam," I say.
"Hmm," he sighs dramatically. "What sort of help?"
what an asshole
"Every conceivable type," I say.
"Then let's take a lookie over here," he says, gazing longingly at the rest of the incredibly annoying and blasé computer store guys.
The two of us walk in front of a computer with a little camera mounted on the top. We are at once visible on the screen, looking awful in the bad lighting. I roll the mouse around idiotically. It is different from my mouse at home and I am not fluent in its use.
"But how do I do anything?" I say.
"What do you want to do?"
I basically want to do exactly what Jane did with her webcam. I fumble with the mouse again, and this time, I manage to bring up the Internet. I go to my site, where I know I can get Jane's link.
This post comes up on my site, with the words "Talk sex" and "cock" right at the top.
"Uhh, mmm, er … " I stammer, "nevermind about this dumb thing," I say, frantically navigating down to my link section. "I'm just here to find a link," I add, acting as though I would never have anything to do with this sort of filthy Internet sex slop.
I bring up Jane's site, but the webcam link isn't where I expect it to be. So I scroll down, frantically going by the crapping dog and the "recent shit" and "past shit" and "extra shit."
"Heh … er … uh .. give me a minute, there."
The computer store guy's eyebrows bob up and down. He exhales yet again. He taps his foot.
Then I realize I have scrolled deep enough into this post to expose the giant zorch.
I am standing in the Apple store with the computer store guy in front of a picture of a huge vagina wondering why my life is this way.
"Oh shit," I say, immediately realizing that saying "shit" has only made the situation worse. "I mean, whoa! Didn't mean to bring that up! Ha! Oops!"
I mercifully quit the browser.
The computer guy is looking at me the same way people look at other people from whom they want to keep their children far away and whom they do not wish to upset.
"Heh heh," I say. "Heh. You must think- I really didn't know-- I just-- Uh-"
"No, no. Don't think a thing about it," he says with a face that implies exactly the opposite. "Can I help you with anything else?"
"Nope. No. That'll do her," I say. "Just going to look around a bit on my own, thanks."
I leave the Apple store. I go to another store. I buy a webcam. I cast a spell on the computer store guy.