Saturday, March 04, 2006

How about a date?

I am in the computer store. I am in search of a webcam. I know nothing of webcams.

An incredibly annoying and blasé computer guy walks by, undoubtedly en route to the cluster of incredibly annoying and blasé computer store guys by the front window. He is trying not to look at me.

"Excuse me," I say in a loud, irritating tone.

He stops dead in his tracks, deflating with an exhalation. "Er, yes?"

"I need some help with a webcam," I say.

"Hmm," he sighs dramatically. "What sort of help?"

what an asshole

"Every conceivable type," I say.

"Then let's take a lookie over here," he says, gazing longingly at the rest of the incredibly annoying and blasé computer store guys.

"Let's."

The two of us walk in front of a computer with a little camera mounted on the top. We are at once visible on the screen, looking awful in the bad lighting. I roll the mouse around idiotically. It is different from my mouse at home and I am not fluent in its use.

"But how do I do anything?" I say.

"What do you want to do?"

I basically want to do exactly what Jane did with her webcam. I fumble with the mouse again, and this time, I manage to bring up the Internet. I go to my site, where I know I can get Jane's link.

This post comes up on my site, with the words "Talk sex" and "cock" right at the top.

"Uhh, mmm, er … " I stammer, "nevermind about this dumb thing," I say, frantically navigating down to my link section. "I'm just here to find a link," I add, acting as though I would never have anything to do with this sort of filthy Internet sex slop.

I bring up Jane's site, but the webcam link isn't where I expect it to be. So I scroll down, frantically going by the crapping dog and the "recent shit" and "past shit" and "extra shit."

"Heh … er … uh .. give me a minute, there."

The computer store guy's eyebrows bob up and down. He exhales yet again. He taps his foot.

Then I realize I have scrolled deep enough into this post to expose the giant zorch.

I am standing in the Apple store with the computer store guy in front of a picture of a huge vagina wondering why my life is this way.

"Oh shit," I say, immediately realizing that saying "shit" has only made the situation worse. "I mean, whoa! Didn't mean to bring that up! Ha! Oops!"

I mercifully quit the browser.

The computer guy is looking at me the same way people look at other people from whom they want to keep their children far away and whom they do not wish to upset.

"Heh heh," I say. "Heh. You must think- I really didn't know-- I just-- Uh-"

"No, no. Don't think a thing about it," he says with a face that implies exactly the opposite. "Can I help you with anything else?"

"Nope. No. That'll do her," I say. "Just going to look around a bit on my own, thanks."

I leave the Apple store. I go to another store. I buy a webcam. I cast a spell on the computer store guy.

Yeah.

14 comments:

Maureen McHugh said...

Face it, it was clearly the most exciting thing that had happened to him all day. A hot looking MILF wanders up and calls up explicit web sites while discussing web cams. He was trying to appear blase, but what you took for contempt was actually his desperate attempt not to drool on your shoes.

You think he didn't spend the whole evening watching lesbian porn?

Stephanie Powers said...

Is this really such a rare occurance?
Whether or not you had brought the massive vagina up on line, would not have mattered. Erin, you exude you're own special fermone, a scent of magnetic propulsion. The clerk was lucky he didn't get a hummer on your way out.

Anonymous said...

Your interpretation of his unease was probably his head going, shit I need to remember what website that chick was on. You should have purred at him....that would have got him going.

Me said...

Exactly what I was thinking. You probably made his day. He was just too pompous and full of himself to know it right away. Later on he probably let slip a little chuckle and looked wistfully at all his less interesting customers.

Bloodgood said...

Hahaha, that is so funny. You should go into store and pull up Jane's site on purpose, that is way better than a Janey flag! Hmmm this would make a fun homework assignment. Cant wait to see your new cam in action.

PDD said...

He was clearly not with you. He was distracted with trying to trace where he put the towel he would later need.

Hopefully for him his mother did the laundry.

I'm guessing the colour is baby blue.

garrett said...

I liked "zorch."

PDD said...

Garrett, would you have any idea what to do with that zorch?

Erin, I came back and all of you were gone. Anyway, maybe next time. Perhaps I will take showers before logging on. Yes, I think that is what I'll do then.

Denny Shane said...

PDD... good idea! and get a camera also... so we can watch you take a shower!

garrett said...

Seems a clarification is in order ... I was physically repulsed by THAT zorch on JJJJJ's blog. But I was emotionally amused by EOB's use of the word "zorch," which I had not previously heard.

To your question, PDD, I think I do know what to do with that zorch on JJJJJ's blog - turn and run. Run like hell.

PDD said...

Garrett:
Good Answer.

Denny:
If I were to get a camera to show myself naked taking a shower, it would have to be for Pinky's eyes only. I couldn't cheat on that man. He is a god.

Bill Fitzgerald said...

Nobody despises big box store electronics salespeople more than I do, especially when they are half my age and try to sell me the service plans. Just help me find what I want to buy and you will get your commission. In the past five years, I have bought a flat screen tv, a computer and a car stereo and have not needed any service on any of them. So stop treating me like I am an idiot because I don't want to waste money on an item that gives you a big commission.

Complete Game said...

So many names for the female anatomy, so little time.

My favourite has always been 'peachka' from a girlfriend in college. Not sure what it means, but daddy like.

Anonymous said...

"peachka" means vagina in croatian