She is a beautiful Italian woman, with Mediterranean coloring and black hair. Every article of her clothing fits her petite figure with stunning perfection. Never is a seam pulled or a buttonhole stressed. Her suits are the colors of Necco wafers.
Always high-heeled shoes: spectator pumps, peek-a-boo mules, ankle-strap stilettos. Always free from scuffs and marks. Always in a color that matches the lime green or peach pink or banana cream yellow suit.
Short, precisely cut hair. Eyebrows plucked into arched submission. Lined lips and fingernails lacquered in a matching color. Exactly drawn eyeliner.
"Hi. I'm Maria."
Upon her upper lip, there is a meticulously groomed pencil-thin mustache.
She smokes those ultra-long ultra-thin cigarettes that have a graphic band around the filter. Eves or Satins or Virginia Slims. She drinks Miller Lite directly from the can.
She makes wigs for living. She only uses real human hair.
"Sure, I'll have another," oozes the smirking, curled and delicately mustachioed mouth.
When she gets drunk, she giggles into her diminutive palm. She looks down demurely. And, eventually, she will lure a man into the ladies' room.
There, she will fellate him.
The general consensus is that she performs this service free for some, and for others, the charge is $25.
She usually only does it once a night. Usually.
"Maria's in the bathroom blowing someone."
Upon returning to her barstool, she clears her throat, shakes back her head, raises one eyebrow and lights one of those impossibly long cigarettes. Her hand rises to her hair, needlessly smoothing it.
"No. No one's sitting there. Please. Go right ahead."
Author's note: The only detail I have altered in this post is the name of the subject. "Maria" was a regular at a bar I used to frequent in downtown Cleveland. The only time I was not in the aforementioned bathroom alone was when my buddy accompanied me in order to hold my hair as I undrank shots called Flaming Dr. Peppers (or vice versa). That I will go to my grave never knowing the criteria upon which Maria's price scale was based is something I lament with vast woe.