Thursday, November 10, 2005

Pam Anderson's erectile dysfunctional monkey and my brother wrapped in star struck towels

On average, I go to the Amazon page the features my
novel about 73 times a day to check the " Sales Rank," which is some meaningless cryptic number that is based on total book sales, recent book sales, frequency of book sales and book category.* It is updated hourly. This morning at 9 a.m., my number was 343,853,** which means 343,852 books were selling better than mine.

The number was not what stunned me. I am accustomed to irrefutable black and white evidence of my copious failures. What stunned me was the "Customers who viewed this book also viewed" list, which is about halfway down the page. It contained the following:

My brother's book Stripper Lessons, Sales Rank: 425,399.

Grant Jarrett's More Towels: In Between the Notes Sales Rank: 433,704.

William Rosenburg's Time to Make the Donuts, Sales Rank: 65,977.

Pam Anderson's Star Struck: A Novel, Sales Rank: 20,040

Jiwon Oh's Mr. Monkey's Classroom, Sales Rank: 330,372.

And last, but certainly not least, Alan Ritz's Scientifically Guaranteed Male Multiple Orgasms and Ultimate Sex: Restart Natural Penis Enlargement, Eliminate Forever Premature Ejaculation, Erectile Dysfunction, Impotence and Enjoy Daily Orgasms, Sales Rank: 1,042.

Although I try to refrain from using crass language on this blog, and with all due apologies to Nick Hornby, I have only this to say:

"Fucking hell."

*this is the definition I assign to the " Sales Rank" when I am unhappy with the number. When I am happy with the number, the definition goes something like this: the "' Sales Rank' is a clearly drawn representation of a book's saleability."

I am "happy" with the number whenever it dips below 100,000, which prompts me to run gleefully through the house collecting dozens of felt tip pens such that I'll be well prepared to sign the hundreds of thousands of books people will be shoving in my face when I go to the supermarket or gym or marital aid emporium.

**I was obliged to abandon my usual OBC writing style, which includes dozens of edits and rewrites, and feverishly write this entry in fear of my Sales Rank number plummeting even further before I could post it. Hence, I implore you to forgive the associated typographical errors that are heretofore invisible to my crazed eyes.

I think I told you this before: Kids, don't try this at home.


FLAMINGO1 said...

Keep looking on the bright side...

A. you are kicking the absolute crap out of your brother!

B. Your book is selling infinitely better than mine. Infinite is much larger and more impressive than 343,853.

C. Those people buying Pam's book are just looking at the pictures - I'm sure she couldn't write an entire book using a crayon.

D. How much was that Male Multiple Orgasm book, anyway?

Yep, I am a glass-is-half-full kind of guy.

PDD said...

I am a gal that believes the glass is nor empty or full. It's just there.

I want to buy your book, but I can't buy it online for reasons I will not disucuss in the blog universe.

Pinky, you wrote a book? Or are you just making a joke as to the fact that no book of yours exists?

FLAMINGO1 said...

I have never written a book. I have thought about it a lot. Writing boring legal documents all day pays the bills, but it does not really provide a creative release. This blog stuff does provide a creative release and will likely ruin any hopes of ever actually writing a book.

garrett said...

How many copies have you sold? There are a hell of a lot of books on there. In the 340,000 range is pretty good.

My brother-in-law has a book coming out in February. The race is on! (Well, not yet, I guess.)

FLAMINGO1 said...

Did your brother-in-law color every single page??

Dongley Shlongford said...

Sipping a Mai Tai here in Molokai while watching the sun set and thinking of multiple orgasms, makes me want to map Vanuatu. Sometimes on the third map, that's all I can manage.

Erin O'Brien said...

Oh Darling Dongley,

I had missed you so!