Monday, March 10, 2014

Guilty pleasures vol. nine: Lisa Robertson

Go ahead and watch the whole four and a half minutes.

Perky Bethany is the perfect foil for mama cat Lisa Robertson while she reveals three beauty buys that will turn your bathroom into a spa! I mean just watch this woman.

Behold the self deprecation ("I just turned 110"), the homoerotic overtones (falling in love with "Tatcha") and the riveting worldly mystique (an 85-year-old Geisha with perfect skin inspires an intrepid young she-entrepreneur). And all of it is perfectly delivered from the comfy confines of a snugly bathrobe.

Is that not pure genius?

Lisa's charm and humor knows no bounds. Once whilst selling a product that mitigates the dreaded heartbreak of lip color seeping into neighboring creases and wrinkles around the mouth, Lisa Robertson said, "At my age, my lipstick travels like it's got a passport." Honest to God--she said that. Why can't I say anything like that?

Lisa Robertson has more genius in her little finger than I have in my entire person.

In the clothing world of Lisa Robertson, everything is easy to wear. Trousers feature slimming details. Tunics have classic lines. All the while, values abound. Come on already, why the hell wouldn't you buy one in every color? Or three or four extras to give as gifts? After all, who doesn't need a flattering cardigan that's so goddamn easy to wear?

Last night, I watched Lisa Robertson hawking Philosophy Amazing Grace Perfumed Olive Oil Body Scrub. Why, for just three Easy Pay! Installments of $23.33 (plus tax and shipping), I can have this best-selling, classic, skin-smoothing body duo (in a soft floral fragrance) that was created to make a woman feel amazingly clean and beautifully feminine.

I am not shitting you.

Oh Lisa, I'll travel with your lipstick. I'll put my name on the waiting list. Enzyme powders, cleansing oils, sugar scrub ... I want it all and then some. Transform me into your ingénue, Lisa, and lead me through the gates of your silken cougar kingdom.

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Michael Lawless said...

My wife exclaims how, with age, she spends her time decontaminating, sanitizing, and deodorizing only to lubricate, moisten, and goo-up the same ground.

Cleveland Bob said...

I want a robe with my name on it.

Anonymous said...

Hiya Bob-I have a monogrammed robe, but it was second-hand; it belonged to a guy named "XXL."


Erin O'Brien said...

You will note that Lisa's robe also says "Bethenny."

J9 said...

I want Lisa's voice - damn!