Friday, June 21, 2013

Duck duck goose

The other night, half-dead from editing all day, I plopped down in front of the box with an adult beverage and got to the business of channel surfing.

Delivered unto me was this:

Even in my exhausted state, I couldn't get over the abject idiocy of Duck Dynasty. Clearly, there was nothing "real" about it. This was a bunch of money-grubbing rednecks (who look as though their family tree does not branch) that were unsuccessfully attempting to come off as ironic or funny or ... something ... in a contrived situation that was no doubt the brain child of a hotshot director with really white teeth.

After treating the Goat to a rant similar to the one I just shared with all of you (although he was shielded by the newspaper), I sipped my iced whiskey and soda, picked up the remote, and soldiered on until I came upon Chaz Dean hawking his $32 per bottle cleansing conditioner on QVC.

The hypnotic inanity of QVC never fails to fascinate me. (How in the hell do you talk about a positively horrible primrose broach your Aunt Edna wouldn't be caught dead wearing for a half hour?) Hence, much to the Goat's dismay, I lingered on the vampire-like Dean for a few minutes as he ran his fingers through one head of dazzlingly silken tresses after another.

Then it hit me.

You want to see a great piece of reality television? You want to put the Ducksters in a situation that would elicit real wall-to-wall reactions? Then get that hotshot director to ship Team Duck over to Chaz Dean's salon for a styling makeover.

I mean COME ON. Who doesn't want to see Chaz give Si a color consultation? Or watch as he transforms Phil's oily strands into a glossy drape worthy of Veronica Lake? Imagine the heartbreaking moment when Jace finally sees the light and allows Chaz to make the most of his look by trimming off a full six inches.

And the action doesn't stop there. The subplot would have Miss Kay, Korie and the rest of the girls fuming over the bald inequity of it all; perhaps while they puzzle over a particularly unpleasant task such as cleaning up after the boys' unfortunate caper involving homemade explosives and paint gun canisters.

The back and forth footage between that and Willie and Jep at Chaz's place dithering over which cleansing conditioner to use would be priceless. Will Jep opt for the fun n' fruity Pomegranate or the mellow Sweet Almond Mint?

To hell with your Kardashians. This has legs. The before-and-after photos alone would be worth the price of admission. And I'm sure we can count on some delightful surprises from our pretty Mr. Dean.

If it all comes off as successfully as I predict, the follow-up can be an episode wherein Dean takes on the clan's beards. Why, I'd even do the initial comb-out myself to see that.

 Well ... maybe not.

*  *  *


Mrs. C said...

I'm down wit' dis. Bring. Git.
Hey, summer vaca is almost on for me--reality tv, here I come!

B.E. Earl said...

I kinda dig Duck Dynasty, having only seen a handful of episodes. Sure, it's hokey and clearly scripted. But it's all light-hearted shenanigans and pranks, and they all seem to actually like each other. Big difference from most "reality" shows where everyone is fighting or screaming with other cast members. It's not high art, but that's okay sometimes.

Dave Levingston said...

Er, Erin, you do realize, I hope, that this post reveals that you know way too much about what goes on on Duck Dynasty...Jus' sayin'...


Erin O'Brien said...

I probably should have owned up to the fact that I've watched nearly every episode of RuPaul's Drag Race online a little bit sooner. That said, far be it for me to judge what anybody watches.

Confidential to D. Levingston: A girl has to do her research ...

Anonymous said...

@Erin-Hiya. In reference to 'Duck Duck Goose,' there is a story that a contestant on "Who Wanna Be A Mill-ya-nair" had to use a lifeline for the question "Complete the name of this children's game: 'Duck-Duck-Blank.'" It's probably apocryphal, but today I choose for it to be true.

Now, about these Dynasty fellas: I wonder how popular the show would remain if the public found out the production company that owns the show got most of its start-up money from Al-Jazeera and from unknown investors in Hong Kong, Macau, and Cartagena; that the production company's corporate parent has big ties to Middle Eastern oil concerns and wanted a presence in Louisiana to monitor their energy holdings and because Louisiana politicians are priced quite reasonably; that their line of gear is manufactured almost exclusively in the People's Republic of China; that their product line has been the target of numerous copyright-infringement lawsuits from American, Canadian, Finnish and Estonian hunting goods manufacturers, or that the company is considering shifting production from China to Vietnam or Bangladesh to keep costs down*.

Maybe that's why these fellows keep the beards-no one will recognize them if and when they have to head somewhere without an extradition treaty.

Gotta go. Not too long ago some knucklehead around here said something to the effect of the housing market is gone, never to return, and he blamed it on the President. Sales in Ohio are up 12% and pricing is up over 13%. I don't wanna miss Jobu's graceful apology.


*As far as I know none of this is true, but that never stops Fox. I can see now why they do it: it was kinda fun.

Al The Retired Army Guy said...


The title of your post took me back to an American Culinary Federation competition I participated in as a culinary student. One of our terrines was a "duck-duck-goose terrine," with alternating layers of duck/goose/duck/goose forcemeat. Just sayin'

BTW, I don't watch Duck Dynasty or whatever the hell it is either.


philbilly said...

Veronica Lake : not a speck of cereal.

Anonymous said...

I think discretion would be the personification of valor at their place on Thanksgiving, what with the too-easy confusion that might follow a "Turd Ucken" recipe.