The other night, half-dead from editing all day, I plopped down in front of the box with an adult beverage and got to the business of channel surfing.
Delivered unto me was this:
Even in my exhausted state, I couldn't get over the abject idiocy of Duck Dynasty. Clearly, there was nothing "real" about it. This was a bunch of money-grubbing rednecks (who look as though their family tree does not branch) that were unsuccessfully attempting to come off as ironic or funny or ... something ... in a contrived situation that was no doubt the brain child of a hotshot director with really white teeth.
After treating the Goat to a rant similar to the one I just shared with all of you (although he was shielded by the newspaper), I sipped my iced whiskey and soda, picked up the remote, and soldiered on until I came upon Chaz Dean hawking his $32 per bottle cleansing conditioner on QVC.
The hypnotic inanity of QVC never fails to fascinate me. (How in the hell do you talk about a positively horrible primrose broach your Aunt Edna wouldn't be caught dead wearing for a half hour?) Hence, much to the Goat's dismay, I lingered on the vampire-like Dean for a few minutes as he ran his fingers through one head of dazzlingly silken tresses after another.
Then it hit me.
You want to see a great piece of reality television? You want to put the Ducksters in a situation that would elicit real wall-to-wall reactions? Then get that hotshot director to ship Team Duck over to Chaz Dean's salon for a styling makeover.
I mean COME ON. Who doesn't want to see Chaz give Si a color consultation? Or watch as he transforms Phil's oily strands into a glossy drape worthy of Veronica Lake? Imagine the heartbreaking moment when Jace finally sees the light and allows Chaz to make the most of his look by trimming off a full six inches.
And the action doesn't stop there. The subplot would have Miss Kay, Korie and the rest of the girls fuming over the bald inequity of it all; perhaps while they puzzle over a particularly unpleasant task such as cleaning up after the boys' unfortunate caper involving homemade explosives and paint gun canisters.
The back and forth footage between that and Willie and Jep at Chaz's place dithering over which cleansing conditioner to use would be priceless. Will Jep opt for the fun n' fruity Pomegranate or the mellow Sweet Almond Mint?
To hell with your Kardashians. This has legs. The before-and-after photos alone would be worth the price of admission. And I'm sure we can count on some delightful surprises from our pretty Mr. Dean.
If it all comes off as successfully as I predict, the follow-up can be an episode wherein Dean takes on the clan's beards. Why, I'd even do the initial comb-out myself to see that.
Well ... maybe not.
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