Friday, November 23, 2012

Twinkie-down economics

Dear friends,

I am sick of your incessant candy ass bellyaching over the impending Twinkie meltdown.

Twinkies look like miserable yellow turds, people. And those cupcakes? They have that god-awful "frosting" lid (with the admittedly cute white squiggle) that's like a massive high fructose corn syrup scab that comes off in one giant peel. Is that thing even food?

To hell with your sweet creamy centers. I don't care.

And while we're at it, to hell-hell with Ho-Hos as well-well. Have I ever peeled the "chocolate" coating off one of those mothers, unrolled the "cake" and removed the "cream" with my finger one bit at a time, licking off each smear? That's none of your goddamn business. Kiss my ass.

Sno Balls are an abomination. Ding Dong your schlong.

I was going to try this recipe and blog about it, with pictures and a Goat/Lil' OB taste test and all, until I got to this part: You will need a spice bottle, approximately the size of a Twinkie, ten 12 x 14 -inch pieces of aluminum foil, a cake decorator or pastry bag, and a chopstick.

 Spice bottle? A chopstick? What the hell are we talking about here, a recipe or a scavenger hunt?

ATTENTION: Will someone please cue up an indignant rightie on his/her "The Mean Ol' Unions Took My Twinkies Away" rant?

I am in the process of developing the Plinkie. It'll be a cupcake thing (made from the cheapest generic yellow cake mix money can buy) with a dime-sized dot of red frosting/filling (the really shitty kind that comes in a tube that you squeeze) in the middle. Thing'll look like a boob.  I'll wrap 'em up in plastic and sell them for a buck apiece via one of those self-serve type stands in my front yard (like one of your oldsters with their tomato and zucchini stands in the summer), complete with a coffee can to put your dollar(s) in and a stack of paper bags.

Yeah, I know. People will come and steal some cupcakes or money or bags. Maybe I'll put a secret cam out there and record who does what, live stream it on the Internet so you can find out if your boss or Aunt Gerrilyn is stealing Erin O'Brien's boob Plinkies, the miserable bastards.

Guess that's enough for now. Stay tuned, boppers.

*  *  *


jen said...

i love you. you ain't right in the head, and it's glorious.

Joe said...

At least you did not bash Hostess little chocolate donuts, one of the five basic food groups. I am not sure I could live with that I am not sure how iwill live without those little gems.

I am way ahead of you, I did my Righty union bashing a few days ago! But it is OK, I was once a teamster, then a member of the roofers union! (Geez that sorta sounds like a "some of my best friends are black" claim -- nonetheless it is true).

We all "know" it was the damn rat-bastard investment bankers like Romney who did in our cupcakes and Twinkies and Wonder bread (builds bones 12 ways damnit).

What, noted Democrat Dick Gephart owned the investment bank that sucked the good out of Hostess, leaving naught but dried up filling and crumby cake residue? Never mind.

Insert smiley thingy here, and sincere hopes you had a great Thanksgiving.

Anonymous said...

I find the whole thing rather amusing, everyone got exactly what they deserved. Peel back the onion on this mess and no one is innocent. Hell even the unions couldn't agree.
James Old Guy

Anonymous said...

Even as we speak some grad student at Case Western is penning a Dissertation on "Twinkies and the Post-Industrial Decline of America." Probably receiving student loans and foodstamps too.
Fucking Commies.


philbilly said...

Actually Wonder Bread converts almost immediately into sugars and fosters diabesity. This crap is dying of natural causes.

Try these instead.

A little cinnamon in yer coffee will flatten out the glucose spike.

I walked 6 miles Tuesday cuz I'm too cheap to call a cab, which were all at the airport anyway. Ladeez and Germs, I'm in better shape than Lance Armstrong.

Anonymous said...


Hostess's problems are due to a massive failure of imagination amongst their marketing people. In a market awash with omega-threes and whole-grain and free-range and food-miles and sustainability, Hostess should have gone with a juggernaut of honesty.

"The Twinky-It's what's for dinner when Pork Rinds were for lunch!"

"The Twinky-The comfort food for your inner catatonic!"

"The Twinky-For that quick burst of energy while you're digging in the cushions for your remote control!"

"The Twinky-Microwave it and it'll double as your date!"


Erin O'Brien said...

I hate to break it to you, but those donuts? Are those things dipped in wax? And that bread! Why, that's not bread, it's kleenex!

I want a GinGin.

twinklysparkles said...

Having immigrant parents is the reason I've always believed my mother NEVER bought any of those Hostess products. No Little Debbies either. I can hardly call myself an American. I think I've eaten one Twinkie in my life. Maybe two.
I have made up for the fat and calories in other ways and will no doubt have the requisite Western diseases of aging that come from sugar and white flour--arthritis and cancer. Oh crap.

I like this post.

My name is twinkly, but I hope it is never associated with Twinkies. Hmm.

Ciao and Chow! twinkly

Anonymous said...

"But it is OK, I was once a teamster, then a member of the roofers union!"-Joe

The FORCE is strong in this one Luke. Resist the Darkside.


Erin O'Brien said...

There was a girl in college who looked exactly like Chewbacca and I am not kidding. I do not know if she ate Twinkies or not.

DogsDontPurr said...

Never fear: Twinkies are still available in Canada and Egypt. Also, I've heard a rumor that production of the American version may be continued by a company from Mexico named Bimbo.

True story. No political commentary or puns intended. Yet I can't resist thinking that Erin should pitch Bimbo on her Plinkies.

Anonymous said...

@ Erin-
Speaking of women who resemble a Wookie, google 'Demi Moore bush'


Anonymous said...

Hey on them cold Lake Erie nights a woman with a little fur couldn't be all bad. I mean it could be worse. You could find yourself in bed with a Canadian.


Joe said...

A Darth Vader Republican.

Yes... Join me, come over to the Dark Side. Cut taxes. Reduce spending. Build the military, Reduce welfare. Destroy the ObamaCare mandate.

Kirk said...

Had Hostess gone out of business 35 years ago, Harvey Milk might be alive today.

Bill said...

Good point Kirk. Plus, we probably would not have Senator Diane Feinstein.