Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Revenge post

This post goes out to all those über-hipster Apple Store employees who look at the rest of us as if we are something they've plucked from the bottom of their shoe when we have the audacity to step into their Blessed Domain in order to spend nine zillion dollars on a piece-of-shit electronic gadget in a sleek skin that was made in China like everything else in the world and we absolutely DO NOT NEED.

Nice Fruits in them there Looms, Mr. Apple Store employee!

~~photo courtesy of your humble hostess~~

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BEAST said...

***strokes Iphad lovingly***

Sausage said...

I heard that apple is bringing out the vibrator app.

Anonymous said...

hey, i'm a Mac guy (so's our entire household) but i totally agree. and, by the way, these fucking 'geniuses' are a bunch of bollix-munchin' converted barista slackers who have no goddamn idea what the fuck is wrong with your laptop when it goes to sleep and never wakes up. i had to have mine sent in twice for them to figure out it was a measly backlight problem and that it WAS waking up, it just needed a new backlight. fuckin genius hipster matted hair bullshitters.

Kev D. said...

They say the best revenge is living well. But "they" probably like iPhones and iPads and iBULLSHIT and as a result, so let's assume "they" are wrong and that the best revenge is showing someone's child-like underpants.

Good work.

Jen said...

ok, that post made me giggle. i do not like the "tight girl jeans" boys. and i super do not like the dummies i've encountered at the apple store.

i love apple products, but those "genius bar" fools make me angry. they've never not pissed me off!

kamper said...

You haven't lived until you've paid $80 bucks for a goddamn power cable or $70 for a mouse. Oh, and you have to drive 500 miles to get it.

J9 said...

You were expecting a whale tail?

Jim said...

I hear they're coming out with an iSUCK app for those employees you refer to.

Erin O'Brien said...

I am laughing so hard, I'm cryin' peeps. You SLAY me.

One quick Apple "Genius" story: I hand this Apple Genius Bar fothermucker my iPod--that incidentally has the "face of death" on it--and I say, "and when I try and reset, the drive runs and runs until the whole unit heats up."

Guy doesn't even look at me, just turns to the "Genius" next to him and says, "Maybe it's trying to heat her house."

Are you kidding me with these shitbags?

Anonymous said...

We once took Da Missus' iBook to a genius bar because it wasn't powering up. The dude took off the battery, stuck his finger into the compartment, fingered the machine, and claimed there was a secret reset button there.

EEEEEEEEEJIT! Do they really think we, consumers, are that retarded?

Erin O'Brien said...

You should have said, "Buddy, there's a secret reset button UP YOUR ASS."

Anonymous said...

Ohio Woman: Man kept me in closet for days as "Sex Pet"


When do you have time to go shopping?


Michael Lawless said...

We need to to something about the crack problem in this country.

Big Mark 243 said...

This was just rich... hipster cred is shot to hell... fruit of the looms and they are DINGY... ugh!

Kev D. said...

Most of these comments are also applicable to IKEA, especially the part about driving 500 miles to get there.

But at least IKEA has hot dogs.

Bill said...

that fat ass and dirty underwear is just the kind of shit the TSA agents complain about. Is that weaponized belt really necessary?

philbilly said...

Ah yes, the ubiquitous hipster dufi. They are legion. I have no idea what an Apple Genius Bar is, but I do run into these vermin at Whole Foods, Coventry and other hip CLE locations. Better they be ensconced in these relatively harmless McJobs than out in the real world, where they could do real harm.

To wit; There is a corollary between the number of earrings a lad sports and his ability to operate a flatbed wrecker. One or two earrings, pray that your AAA is paid up. If he is emblazoned with a glittering rack of diamonds upon his lobes, he will be utterly useless. Google the bus schedule on yer Ipad.

On the contrary, the guy I trust to move my vehicles and machinery has no earrings. He appears to have been hewn from a solid block of granite. He was an offensive tackle in high school, denied the VC the use of airpower as a United State Marine in Vietnam, then ran coast to coast in a big rig before settling in the CLE to continue moving heavy and dangerous things. He makes it look easy, joking and telling stories as he securely straps down the thing he is moving in sweltering heat and sub-zero cold, day or night. If he can't move it, it didn't need to be moved.

Daniel said...

I just figured out how to sort my Google Reader subscriptions from oldest to newest.

Genius. Sigh.

And now, I must vent about Apple.

You know those letters I write and the whatnot? I wrote a very official one to the corporate HQ for these bastards on behalf of the place I worked due to the assholes that work in these Apple stores.

My former day job used to be a buyer for a multi-million dollar resort. We had started to do some in-house development of some custom applications that were meant to put whatever work related info you'd need to help identify and address a resort patron by way of an iPod Touch that employees kept in their pocket.

I was the guy that had to take our existing relationship with Apple and forge it into something business oriented, reliable, and cost effective. Being that Apple doesn't have a dedicated non-retail business point of contact, I had to deal with these jackfucks in the retail stores.

Jack. Fucks.

Yeah, most Apple stores have a "Business Manager", whose job it is to foster relationships with companies that use Apple products... but in reality, all they are is a bunch of these hipster teenagers you refer to, and the best they can do is take your order, tack on a small discount, then key it into a computer that has what appears to be the apple.com website where it mysteriously gets sent to Shanghai setting in motion the worst logistical nightmare I've ever witnessed.

If you own a business, have a corporate credit card, and want to buy a shit ton of iPods that you need on property in 2 days? Apple will find a way to fuck it up. They can't promise delivery dates, they can't get on the goddamn phone and call their warehouse to check stock, and they can't pull the dicks out of their mouths long enough to do give a paying customer a few minutes of attention. Just because they have the monopoly on this shit... holier than though... cum guzzling... fuck... ass... shit...

That is all. I'm sorry, Erin. :)

Daniel said...

I just wrote a massive reply to this one.

And it was too big to process as a comment.

So I went "Back", and it was gone.

Fuck balls ass shit dick sucking cum slut tits.

Long story, short... I fucking hate Apple, and just about everyone that works in their retail stores. Not because I'm an Apple consumer whore, but because I was buyer for a multi-million dollar resort where it was my job to foster a business relationship with Apple on a fairly large scale, and they in turn took their dicks and waved them in my face.

You bet your sweet ass that I wrote them a letter. A very official, well documented letter that ripped them a new asshole, straight to their corporate offices.

That is all.

Erin O'Brien said...

No need to apologize. Rant all you want. In fact, seeing the usually mild-mannered Daniel "unleashed" is evocative to say the least.

I am sorry for the delay on comments on older posts. I moderate them to keep spam down. Blogger does not notify me when there are comments are awaiting moderation.

I would offer up a string of expletives in order to articulate my opinion of this, but after your exposition regarding Apple, what's the point?