Friday, November 12, 2010

Queen Erin

The Queen shall be referred to as "The Queen."

The Queen shall not be subjected to her subjects.

The Queen shall not have subjects.


The Queen shall have subjects.

The only subject the Queen shall have shall be Sexual Education.

The Queen's entire body shall be anointed with precious oils by the handmaiden's of the Queen, who shall then draw the excess oil from the skin of the Queen by slowly and gently passing a portion of whale bone over the landscape of the Queen's voluptuous corpus.

The Queen, having further considered the implications of the Queenly Oil Anointment Procedure (such as how to employ the excess oil), shall withdraw the previous decree and instead anoint herself with Suave Mango Mandarin body lotion.

The Queen Shall determine which words Shall And shall Not be Capitalized.

There shall be a monument erected in honor of the Breasts of the Queen.

Per the Queen, the word Breast shall only be capitalized when used In reference To the Queen.

The Queen shall be served massive bowls of Ruffles Reduced Fat potato chips and cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer by a shirtless David Muir.

The Queen shall consider the employ Of Bejeweled Marital Aids.

Using the word "Bejeweled" amuses the Queen.

The Queen shall take her chocolates on queen-like furniture such as expansive chaises upholstered with luxuriant tufts of purple velvet.

The chocolates of the Queen shall include (but not be limited to) fun-size Butterfinger Crisp.

The Queen shall be a fair and magnanimous ruler.

The Queen Is the Queen.

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6 comments:

Matt Conlon said...

Shitcanistann, wasn't it?

Mrs. C said...

Dear God, Erin--erm, I mean, Queen--what the heel did the goat do to knock himself right outta the democracy and into your regency?!

Sausage Fingers said...

Like Mel Brooks said in "History of the world, part 1"
IT'S GOOD TO BE THE KING

Vince said...

You do realise NĂ­ Briain that you've put your mug on a Tudor.

Anonymous said...

"The Queen had only one way of settling all difficulties, great or small. 'Off with his head!' she said, without even looking round."

Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland."

"The Queen had only one way of settling all difficulties, great or small. 'Give him some head!' she said, without even looking round."

Queen O'Brien, The Owner's Manual

RJ

Jack Cluth said...

And The Goat is one lucky acolyte, no?? ;-)