Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Beer of America

The Goat and I were celebrating the purchase of his a new Goatmobile, a "jewel red" Chevy Impala. He is now the forth Chevy Impala owner on our street, which is here in the middle of America. The Goat and I agreed that the Chevy Impala is the Car of America.

Behold the vision of perfect angles coming together: the Husbands of America driving the Car of America in the Middle of America with the Wives of America in the passenger seats and Kids of America in the back.

We were at a restaurant/bar where they have a bowling machine and a basketball machine, and where the walls are covered with photos of the hometown high school football team. The place was packed with bar regulars and families having fish fries and wings. I ordered a Bud Light draft.

"That's a cold draft," I said, "here in the middle of America."

"Yup," said the Goat. He was drinking some dubious foreign beer--a Labatt's or some goddamn thing, which made me swell with superiority.

"You should have a regular American beer," I said, "a regular shitty beer." Then of course I remembered that Budweiser is owned by some shady Belgian entity. "America needs a new beer," I said as I tapped a shake of salt into my Belgian suds.

"The Belgians should stick with chocolate," said the Goat.

"Yeah," I said indignantly. "To hell with the Belgians. America needs a Beer of America."

"Beer of America," said the Goat. "I like it."

Beer of America will be some seriously shitty beer that is seriously shitty and that everyone understands: You drink it real cold and real fast, and you'll have no troubles. Beer of America shall be the sole product of the Brewery of America, available in kegs (but not cans); and no one's getting any Beer of America in some candy-ass plastic bottle. This shit's going out in cases of twenty-four 16-ounce RETURNABLE long necks.

God how I love shit like that.

A case of Beer of America will put you back $55--IF you don't have your empties. You got your heavy-duty cardboard case of empties? Well then belly up, baby. You're walking out with an ice cold case of fresh Beer of America for just six bucks!

We executives here at Beer of America are targeting a very specific clientele.

Beer of America will be available at regular beverage stores, the drive-in type or the ones that have a jar of pretzel rods on the counter and still have a rack of dirty magazines in the back that no one ever buys but remains based solely on principles you either understand or you don't. And we're not going to be pricks about the empties. You bring 'em back in good refillable condition (and we will check the condition because we've seen what sort of shitbags are out there trying to slide in a chipped or broken bottle), and we'll give you your $49 deposit back. Go on and have your candy-ass Belgian Budweiser.

As founder, president and CEO of Beer of America, I'm going to make these bottles the kind you have to open with a church key because the vision of you lugging your beer cooler around with an opener dangling from a shitty string tied to the handle entertains me to no end.

Beer coolers, church keys, having to deal with shitty cases of empty beer bottles that are a major pain in the ass--this is how you rebuild the American character, people.

In the future, I envision stand-alone Beer of America kiosks where you can pull up and get your BYO container (think empty gallon milk jug) filled up with ice-cold Beer of America draft for just 3-cents an ounce.

We're still working out formal pricing, but this is the sort of forward thinking that percolates here at the Offices of Erin O'Brien while you're all out there playing with yourselves.

Thank you for your continued support.

Erin O'Brien
Founder: Beer of America
Certified Member: United Wives of America


Paul said...

No picture of the Goatmobile, perhaps complete with said Goat?

Erin O'Brien said...

I added a link to the first line per request, Mr. Paul.

Colleen said...

Beer of America: Yuengling. In PA we just call it "Lager" (with a capital "L"). It's the best tasting lager around, and it's made in America's oldest brewery.

LimesNow said...

I loves me some shitty beer story, Erin!

LimesNow, Founding Member
United Ex-Wives and Never to Be One Again of America

But then I'm a little left of middle.

B.E. Earl said...

I go with PBR, as the largest remaining American-owned brewer.

Or as Frank Booth says: "Heineken! Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!"

Matt Conlon said...

Usually I prefer a Sam Adams, or something supposedly from Ireland, but I will admit, when I'm in chug mode, american swill beer is the drug of choice. Definitely has it's uses!

Anonymous said...

although made in America you can't have fucking YUENGLING as THE beer of america. fuckin' sounds asian. besides, i thought PBR was the beer of America, no? whatever, if you and the Goat make a homemade brew, i'm in for a couple of cases; i'll pay for shipping as well.

Kirk Jusko said...

Actually, when I look at a map of the United States, Ohio looks like it's more in the east. Yet it's always referred to as middle America or the Midwest. It IS west of the original 13 colonies, so maybe that's where that comes from.

When I was growing up, all the true American beers had German sounding names: Schlitz, Strohs, Pabst and Budweiser. Go figure.

Tag said...

Hey Mabel, Those racks behind the counter are all for me. Special request soft porn wherever I may roam. So I can get my 40 oz jugs of B of A and Juggs at the same time.

Amy L. Hanna said...

agatiob sez:
That's B-E-L-G-I-A-N-S when used to describe the people of their respective country, whom I thank with every sip of their present-day exports.


standing on my head said...

two words:
natty bo.

Once Known as The Badger said...

If you need a brewer, I've had experience making beer in America. It will kick your ass all the way to Belgium (and back).

Hal said...

Why would there be a $49 deposit? That's seems like a lot to ask for a rack of shitty beer.

Erin O'Brien said...

Colleen: I've never had a Yuengling--and now I'm thirsty for one at 8 a.m. This can't be good, people.

Limes: You can be an honorary Wife of America per ME. I'll send you a ceremonial union card.

BE Earl: I did not know that and intend to tweet about PBR momentarily.

Matt: "American swill beer" You and I understand each other.

Swine: The Goat and I actually did make beer once upon a time.

Kirk: I was taking a bit of license. Is suburban Clevo not the socio-economic middle? I feel halfway on damn near everything in this burg.

Tag: The beer store up the street from me has a dirty book rack. The mags are all two or three years old. It kills me that the owner keeps it there. Hell, now I want a pickled egg.

Amy: I'm going to have to start paying for your line editing services!

Standing: I had to Google that.

Badger: Obviously, you'll be head of the Beer of America's Western Ops.

Hal: But it's just a one time cost. You need to think of it as an investment.

Once Known as The Badger said...

I feel a career change coming on! Western Ops! My mother would be proud.

Heidi said...

Labatt's is foreign?? Bad beer to be sure, but foreign?

dean said...

Labatt's is Canadian. Just remember, as a general rule, the worst Canadian beer (and Labatt's is right there) is better than the worst American beer.

LimesNow said...

Erin, you know I'm in if it's a union operation!

Erin O'Brien said...

Badge: I love calling it "Ops."

Heidi: Is it bad beer? I dunno.

Dean: The difference is that we have such a good humor about our bad beer. We celebrate our bad beer. Our bad beer is a source of national pride, goddamnit!

Limes: Let's start calling each other "comrade."

Tony said...

Sign me up for a case.

LimesNow said...

OK, Comrade Natasha! I'm a pretty good hand at organizing the workers around the tenets of the local. If you're Natasha, I want to be Olga.

Liam said...

Labatt is owned by the same company as Budweiser, which was Belgian but is now some Brazilian dudes. Eventually all beer will be made in your neighbourhood or by one enormous brewer...http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/InBev_brands

Amy L. Hanna said...

Forgot to mention: Speaking of the Impala, although a Chevy brand, is manufactured in Canada.

And that Chevy Aveo I drove for a few months last year? 88% Korean-made, according to the driver-side door sticker.
Yeah, I know ...

I'm done.

Bill the Wrenchbender said...

I'm in for two cases!

Hal said...

All right, if there must be a deposit that large for a rack of shitty beer, I would expect the money to be held in a shitty passbook savings account.

jonas said...

As a general rule: no, Labatt's isn't bad. Neither is Molson, even their weird "Export" labels. Lots of both got me through college, and both are better then Bud, Miller, Busch, etc. of any stripe. Are the GREAT beers? No. But Canada has a nack, even with cheap beer, of doing things with a touch more class.

For the money, Yuengling is one of the most drinkable cheap beers available. They even make a faux pretentious label "Lord Chesterfield." Actually not bad....just...funny.

All told, there's always going to be a market for crappy beer. High school kids across the country need something to induce vomiting in various parks, basements, ballfields, etc.
Oh, and I don't have the world's largest income, so I'll but it too.

Won't someone please think of the children?!?!

jonas said...

Buy it.

Erin O'Brien said...

Tony: You're in.

Limes: I always wanted a name like Natasha. They wear silk stockings and use cigarette holders. I never get to do shit like that.

Liam: Really? I had no idea about the Brazilians sneaking in on the action. It's like the Walmart Beer. Sheesh.

Amy: Canada? Who knew?

Bill: And we'll be honored to refill them for years to come.

Hal: With 0.2 percent interest.

Jonas: I cannot get my hands around a Lord Chesterfield fast enough (for the children, of course). I cannot believe there is a Lord Chesterfield beer out there.

Vince said...

I have some very good friends in Belgium, well Flanders, that fully agree with you. But come on now, and I know that some beer do not travel, Budwisser is was and ever will be crap. So you have to say it fits rather well with stella*. What is that one about yellow snow.

dean said...

A beer called 'lord chesterfield' should have a picture of top-hatted, monocle-wearing dink on the label. I would add a cigarette in one of those effete holders, but that wouldn't fly these days.

jonas said...

Its not quote a top hat, but it is super olde tymey....


jonas said...


damn my skipping that typing class in high school.
wish i could blame it on crappy american beer, but alas...

Erin O'Brien said...

Vince: I think I like Budwisser even better than Budweiser. A girl can get behind a Budwisser.

Dean/Jonas: I would DO the Lord Chesterfield guy. Just look at his hair for chrissake!

Oh. Nevermind. I think that's a wig.

jonas said...

All told, its a fairly drinkable beer....wig or not.

(of course, I've discovered one of my super powers to be finding most beers drinkable...)

LimesNow said...

Comrade, I get it re: the exotic names! The meaning of my given name is "from the gray fort". Uh-huh. Boy howdy. Think sensible oxfords and chicken-fried steak for supper. We Leslies don't get to be femmes fatale, either.

Hal said...

I have to chime in on Yuengling. Having been to Philadelphia many times, I can say with certainty that this is the beer you'll find in Philly garage refrigerators as the beer guys of Philly chow down cheesesteaks and lament the Iggles.

jonas said...


I'd like to introduce you to a game we like to call "oneupmanship." Now, this isn't really a case of that, given that you've not challenged me with anything in particular. Consider this a oneupmanship demo, on myself. You may love Lord Chesterfield and all his apparent pomp. But, I submit for you consideration that Yuengling has in fact another beer that may be in fact specifically banded with you in mind. You'll see why....


jonas said...


Erin O'Brien said...

Jonas, I'll see your Bock and raise you two pounds of Jelly Bellies.

jonas said...

I see you are in fact familiar the the sport of Oneupmanship.

Well played O'Brien. Well played, indeed.

jonas said...

However, and I'm not joking, chez-nous, this is the evening's entertainment: