The Goat and I were celebrating the purchase of his a new Goatmobile, a "jewel red" Chevy Impala. He is now the forth Chevy Impala owner on our street, which is here in the middle of America. The Goat and I agreed that the Chevy Impala is the Car of America.
Behold the vision of perfect angles coming together: the Husbands of America driving the Car of America in the Middle of America with the Wives of America in the passenger seats and Kids of America in the back.
We were at a restaurant/bar where they have a bowling machine and a basketball machine, and where the walls are covered with photos of the hometown high school football team. The place was packed with bar regulars and families having fish fries and wings. I ordered a Bud Light draft.
"That's a cold draft," I said, "here in the middle of America."
"Yup," said the Goat. He was drinking some dubious foreign beer--a Labatt's or some goddamn thing, which made me swell with superiority.
"You should have a regular American beer," I said, "a regular shitty beer." Then of course I remembered that Budweiser is owned by some shady Belgian entity. "America needs a new beer," I said as I tapped a shake of salt into my Belgian suds.
"The Belgians should stick with chocolate," said the Goat.
"Yeah," I said indignantly. "To hell with the Belgians. America needs a Beer of America."
"Beer of America," said the Goat. "I like it."
Beer of America will be some seriously shitty beer that is seriously shitty and that everyone understands: You drink it real cold and real fast, and you'll have no troubles. Beer of America shall be the sole product of the Brewery of America, available in kegs (but not cans); and no one's getting any Beer of America in some candy-ass plastic bottle. This shit's going out in cases of twenty-four 16-ounce RETURNABLE long necks.
God how I love shit like that.
A case of Beer of America will put you back $55--IF you don't have your empties. You got your heavy-duty cardboard case of empties? Well then belly up, baby. You're walking out with an ice cold case of fresh Beer of America for just six bucks!
We executives here at Beer of America are targeting a very specific clientele.
Beer of America will be available at regular beverage stores, the drive-in type or the ones that have a jar of pretzel rods on the counter and still have a rack of dirty magazines in the back that no one ever buys but remains based solely on principles you either understand or you don't. And we're not going to be pricks about the empties. You bring 'em back in good refillable condition (and we will check the condition because we've seen what sort of shitbags are out there trying to slide in a chipped or broken bottle), and we'll give you your $49 deposit back. Go on and have your candy-ass Belgian Budweiser.
As founder, president and CEO of Beer of America, I'm going to make these bottles the kind you have to open with a church key because the vision of you lugging your beer cooler around with an opener dangling from a shitty string tied to the handle entertains me to no end.
Beer coolers, church keys, having to deal with shitty cases of empty beer bottles that are a major pain in the ass--this is how you rebuild the American character, people.
In the future, I envision stand-alone Beer of America kiosks where you can pull up and get your BYO container (think empty gallon milk jug) filled up with ice-cold Beer of America draft for just 3-cents an ounce.
We're still working out formal pricing, but this is the sort of forward thinking that percolates here at the Offices of Erin O'Brien while you're all out there playing with yourselves.
Thank you for your continued support.
Founder: Beer of America
Certified Member: United Wives of America