Outerwear. My first inclination was to don a MuuMuu, but now I'm thinking old school is best and to go with the classic housecoat. The authentic housecoat was a cotton affair with either buttons or (better yet) metal snaps up the front. It usually had a nondescript floral or paisley pattern.
Since you can't go to Penney's and buy an honest-to-God housecoat anymore, I'll have to find a really old one at a yard sale or second hand store. That's okay. A frayed and faded housecoat garners serious Street Cred.
Footwear. Simple: men's mid-calf white athletic socks and slippers.
Hair. Curlers are good, although I've never used them. No time to start like the present. I wonder if you can still get those big plastic numbers in pastel colors. I could crank up my whole miserable head and cover the terrifying behemoth with one of those filmy hairnets. But I wouldn't call it a hairnet, I'd call it a scarf. Imagine me in the discount grocery with my hairnet and housecoat and socks--a domestic Medusa. I'd be at once mythical and real. How beautiful is that?
Accessories. First you've got the obligatory coffee cup (stained and chipped with a picture of a cartoon reindeer on it--probably a Bunco boobie prize) that you drag around everywhere and that contains crappy home-brewed coffee (Chock Full o' Nuts). To really complete the scene, you'd need a cigarette--maybe an Eve Menthol 120 (although I'm not taking this that far; I already quit once goddamnit). You've got to have a snotty balled up old Kleenex in the pocket of your housecoat at all times (standard), and if you have one or two shoved in the sleeve of your housecoat (advanced), that's even better.
Cultural Manifestations. A good Housewife should watch all the daytime soaps (Days of Our Lives, One Life to Live, General Hospital) and should concern herself largely with menstruation. (Which sanitary products are economical and efficacious? Is one's spouse exhibiting appropriate sensitivity during the ordeal?) Being well versed in both topics is mandatory during important telephone discussions with other Housewives.
Miscellaneous. This will be a big change for me, but I think lipstick is in order. Housewives should always, always wear lipstick.
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