Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Reconstructing Dan Savage, vol. two

Oh boy.

Sex columnist Dan Savage's Episode 57 podcast, which originally posted November 20, 2007, features a guest expert. Savage and "Science" open the show with a discussion on how to determine whether or not a woman is faking an orgasm. The description tag for the podcast calls it "a useful tutorial on how to scientifically determine whether a woman's orgasm is fake or genuine."

The two Boy Wonders go on to tell their listening audience to check for pupil dilation and sweaty palms and feet at the moment of climax, all of which indicate an innate "fight or flight" response commonly associated with orgasm.

This is your advice, boys? Palms and pupils? You're kidding me, right?

When you're talking the fairer-sex climax, you are obligated to include a mention of orgasmic contractions. Perhaps Savage was being polite and didn't want to trump his guest. Maybe he was having a subtle laugh at Science's expense. But orientation notwithstanding, Savage has mentioned orgasmic contractions before, so it's not as though he doesn't know about them. Whatever the case, neither man brought up the single most definitive characteristic of a real orgasm. And how you can have such a discussion without mentioning the fact that the vagina puts on a regular floor show during the genuine article escapes me.

What really bothers me is that there is a contingent of men that took this sage advice at face value. They're out there prying their lover's eyes open at a crucial moment or blotting their palms with a Kleenex to check for perspiration. Savage and Co., you did a major disservice to all of them as well as their partners. Shame on you! Now let me set things straight.

Gentlemen, the puss is not static during climax. It does fun tricks.

That said, I am not a doctor or statistician, just one woman with copious experience. I realize the orgasmic reaction is as unique as the woman enjoying it. Some vaginae mark climax with a subtle vibration while others exhibit a wildly undulating affair. Mine sings the Star Spangled Banner.

And if you don't believe me and don't have anyone around to demonstrate, there are plenty of NSFW examples available courtesy of the honeys over at Youporn.

This is not a secret. Plenty of people have written about it. But nonetheless, it continues to mystify. So here are a few tips.

I understand that during regular boy/girl coitus, the usual suspect may or may not feel the woman's climax, particularly if it's subtle. The man may wonder how sincere that scream really was. That said, gents, your tongue or fingers will know for sure. Seeing is believing as well.

You know what you have to do.

And for pity's sake, don't be afraid to ask for help or direction. A straight-forward demonstration may be in order as well. Once you are familiar with her unique climactic reactions, you'll never wonder again. And by then, you'll be delivering the goods so regularly, it won't be an issue.

And yeah, if it's a one-night stand and you don't know the woman at all, don't expect to know her orgasm. That advice goes for the ladies out there as well. I hate to be a fuddy-duddy, but long-term relationships produce the best sex for a reason.

To summarize: If she's grunting and moaning and pulling a regular When Harry Met Sally, but her vagina isn't doing anything, you've probably got a goose egg. On the other hand, if all she offers up a tiny "ooh" along with a bead or two of sweat while her puss performs acrobatics, you done good, kid.

And if she's splayed out on the bed with limbs like noodles and a smoky look in her eyes afterwards, that speaks volumes as well. You could call it the wake of pupil dilation, but I like my description better.

Good luck out there.

Confidential to the ladies: Don't fake; teach. Just trust me on this.


Doug said...

I cannot believe I'm the first commenter. What, is everyone intimidated?

If I had it to do all over again, I would have become a sex researcher.

Zen Wizard said...

The When Harry Met Sally scene never really "played" for me.

Even in the original theater showing when I saw it, the laughter seemed a little "forced."

Women think if they are laughing at something, it must be funny.

That's one of the reasons I resigned from Chippendales.

Anyway, we were talking about something...how can you tell when a woman has an orgasm?

I seem to recall I used to ASK them. That's not very scientific...

Anyway I wish I could take a time machine back to the last time I got laid. I would fill up on 87-cent gasoline, for one thing...

,,,wait, what were we talking about again??

Anonymous said...

I have just written The National Park Service to request Erins cooter sing The Star Spangled Banner at The Capitol Fourth Celebration in 2009.

I am rather fond of the "Grimace and Vocalization" gals. Dated a screamer once. OOOOOOWEEEEEE. But was always afraid the neighbors in my apartment complex were gonna call the cops and report someone being murdered.


Mongrel Porksword said...

I've never had to worry about this.

Helen Mansfield said...

As much as I love Dan Savage, I have to remind myself "He is a gay man," and though "there's nothing wrong with that," the Gay Mafia are the ones who have decided that models, and women in general, are most attractive when they have no meat on their bones, or breasts, so they resemble young boys.

Richard Roeper didn't like the Dove bodywash ads with healthy women in them, ergo Richard Roeper is a gay man.

fiveandfour said...

I've never understood the logic behind a woman faking an orgasm. I figured if it was a one night stand, faking it just meant the guy was going to go on doing the same awful thing to the next unsuspecting girl. If it was a long-term relationship, it would mean perpetuating the guy doing the same awful thing again with me.

Either way, I don't get why one would want to make a guy think he's a good lover when he's not. Obviously one doesn't have to be mean about it, but honesty always seemed the better policy to me.

swine said...

right on fiveanfour! my attitude is: talk to me, tell me what you want/need; how you want it done. i'm game for pretty much anything except farm animals. wild animals are OK, though.

swine said...

p.s. I have a fantastic comeback for mongrel porksword's comment up above me and I so hate squandering opportunities such as this, but I'll refrain. Gotta change that avatar, though, Chucky...opening up the comments box has become not safe for work.

Erin O'Brien said...

Hey Doug: You can check my throat anytime, baby.

Zen: Meg Ryan's efforts didn't win me over either. And do you still have your Chippendale outfit?

RJ: Thank you. It's warming up now. And your fears over OOOOOOWEEEEEE are not unfounded. I saw a news clip not long ago wherein a guy called the cops on his neighbor after hearing a porn video through the walls.

Pork: As much as we ladies adore your avatar ... well ... you might reconsider. Got giant cucumber?

Helen: This was truly the worst advice I ever heard out of Savage. And it surprised me. I've heard him give detailed advice on the female anatomy that was dead-on, so it's not that he doesn't understand the female climax in a book-learned way. I think he just didn't want to spoil the joke-feeling of this ridiculous "Science" advice--Bad news.

fiveandfour: Women do it because their tired and it's awful and they just want it to end. They don't want to say, "Christ awmighty this sucks! Could you just ejaculate already?" so they fake instead, hoping to draw things to a close.

I think there is a lot of bad sex going on out there.

swine: because of the nature of this site and my statcounter, I get the feeling that people really do want to learn about great sex, but these here puritanical United States of America make it difficult. Even with all the Internet sex we could ever want at our fingertips, sexy is still elusive as ever.

Weird, isn't it?

Dunno what to say about these avatars. You can always go to the permalink and read the comments sans avatars. If the "pork" isn't around, you know you're safe to open the box up and comment yourself.

I am loathe to censor.

Erin O'Brien said...

And let me add that I'm amazed no one commented on today's graphics, all of which are terrifying in my opinion.

Hal said...

A gay guy telling straight guys how to tell if your women is faking.


That would be like me saying whether or not Barack Obama is truly black.

sevnetus said...

When it comes to the big O it is better to give and receive.

Zen Wizard said...

The only thing that hasn't gotten larger since the Chippendale's days is my head, so the man-danna would probably still fit.

(I can't remember what we called them back then. This was back when everyone spoke Elizabethan English...)


Dan Savage: He knows how to give a woman an orgasm and he is very patient and attentive when you go clothes-shopping with him; making insightful, relevant comments and not getting bored.

Plus, he probably has a rent-controlled apartment in Seattle with a view of the Space Needle. Guys like that only exist on "Frasier."

Do any females see the irony in this?

It is like when Christopher Lowell has a female guest, and you can just SEE them thinking, "D@mn, this crib is tight! I wish he wasn't gay..."

But I should really talk:

I am sure there was some time when I was lapping some woman's quiff somewhere and she was thinking, "D@mn, I am having an orgasm! I wish he wasn't gay..."

Anonymous said...

got me again witht the damn link

Amy L. Hanna said...

I have to second what hal typed, only I wouldn't bring the other "O" into the subject matter.

Erin, ditto on the graphics (the first one especially) - it's just ridiculous.

It could just be that the Boy Wonders in question are bitter that they can't fake an orgasm in the first place.

Anonymous said...

OK, how about an exposition on the difference between real and fake female ejaculation.

shaina said...

a guy i was hanging out with the other day told a story of a girl he banged who had an...INTERESTING way of climaxing. no little twitches or curling toes for this girl; according to him, he freaked out because he thought she was having a for-real seizure. like, whole body twitching, thrashing about the bed. also, apparently he tried to touch her and she yelled at him not to.

...yeah. her husband someday will most definately know if she's faking it, lol.

moving on...