Sex columnist Dan Savage's Episode 57 podcast, which originally posted November 20, 2007, features a guest expert. Savage and "Science" open the show with a discussion on how to determine whether or not a woman is faking an orgasm. The description tag for the podcast calls it "a useful tutorial on how to scientifically determine whether a woman's orgasm is fake or genuine."
The two Boy Wonders go on to tell their listening audience to check for pupil dilation and sweaty palms and feet at the moment of climax, all of which indicate an innate "fight or flight" response commonly associated with orgasm.
This is your advice, boys? Palms and pupils? You're kidding me, right?
When you're talking the fairer-sex climax, you are obligated to include a mention of orgasmic contractions. Perhaps Savage was being polite and didn't want to trump his guest. Maybe he was having a subtle laugh at Science's expense. But orientation notwithstanding, Savage has mentioned orgasmic contractions before, so it's not as though he doesn't know about them. Whatever the case, neither man brought up the single most definitive characteristic of a real orgasm. And how you can have such a discussion without mentioning the fact that the vagina puts on a regular floor show during the genuine article escapes me.
What really bothers me is that there is a contingent of men that took this sage advice at face value. They're out there prying their lover's eyes open at a crucial moment or blotting their palms with a Kleenex to check for perspiration. Savage and Co., you did a major disservice to all of them as well as their partners. Shame on you! Now let me set things straight.
Gentlemen, the puss is not static during climax. It does fun tricks.
That said, I am not a doctor or statistician, just one woman with copious experience. I realize the orgasmic reaction is as unique as the woman enjoying it. Some vaginae mark climax with a subtle vibration while others exhibit a wildly undulating affair. Mine sings the Star Spangled Banner.
And if you don't believe me and don't have anyone around to demonstrate, there are plenty of NSFW examples available courtesy of the honeys over at Youporn.
This is not a secret. Plenty of people have written about it. But nonetheless, it continues to mystify. So here are a few tips.
I understand that during regular boy/girl coitus, the usual suspect may or may not feel the woman's climax, particularly if it's subtle. The man may wonder how sincere that scream really was. That said, gents, your tongue or fingers will know for sure. Seeing is believing as well.
You know what you have to do.
And for pity's sake, don't be afraid to ask for help or direction. A straight-forward demonstration may be in order as well. Once you are familiar with her unique climactic reactions, you'll never wonder again. And by then, you'll be delivering the goods so regularly, it won't be an issue.
And yeah, if it's a one-night stand and you don't know the woman at all, don't expect to know her orgasm. That advice goes for the ladies out there as well. I hate to be a fuddy-duddy, but long-term relationships produce the best sex for a reason.
To summarize: If she's grunting and moaning and pulling a regular When Harry Met Sally, but her vagina isn't doing anything, you've probably got a goose egg. On the other hand, if all she offers up a tiny "ooh" along with a bead or two of sweat while her puss performs acrobatics, you done good, kid.
And if she's splayed out on the bed with limbs like noodles and a smoky look in her eyes afterwards, that speaks volumes as well. You could call it the wake of pupil dilation, but I like my description better.
Good luck out there.
Confidential to the ladies: Don't fake; teach. Just trust me on this.