Tuesday, October 23, 2007

The forces against us

Erin gonna tell you How It Is.

There is a man at Georgia Pacific--or perhaps a whole department--whose job entails figuring out exactly how to make a Dixie cup expire.

This guy walks a fine line.

If the cup comes apart too soon, he's effed because that of course makes the Dixie cup worthless. If it stays together forever, he's effed because then we're not all running screaming to the Discount Drug Mart in order to buy Dixie cups every fifteen minutes. Georgia Pacific stock plummets. The GP Big Shots start looking into why. Trail leads to the Disintegrating Dixie Department and the guy gets canned. Hence, that cup has to come apart not too soon and not too late. It's got make like Goldilocks and last long enough to be just right.

The Dixie People will tell you that the Dixie cup is a one-time-use item.

Bullshit. We all reuse our Dixie cups as many times as we can. Germs be damned! And really, am I not entitled to an extra mid-morning rinse? Or a brush after a particularly athletic session with the Goat? Shouldn't my Dixie cup give BACK a little once in a while?

Let me tell you what. They hired some new effer over at Dixie who really knows how to make this mother come apart. Used to be you'd get that extra Dixie cup go-around. Not anymore. This new guy's found a way to use that water-soluble non-toxic glue such that these cups blow out after one floss/brush/rinse session.

AND if for some reason the glue doesn't do it's disappearing trick, the Disintegrating Dixie Dude's got that covered. The paper they use to make a Dixie Cup is about as sturdy as the run-of-the-mill office paper stacked in my HP printer right now. So if the side seem doesn't blow out, the paper turns to Kleenex in the time it takes you to dig out a new bottle of Lavoris from the back of the vanity cabinet.

You think you're getting another blast out of that Dixie cup? HA! Ain't happening. Nope. You got nothing, so welcome to my world.

Belly-up to the Sunday coupon circular every week. Eventually, the pricks over at Georgia Pacific will loosen up and throw us a measly bone. When they do, you better be ready to lap it up, babies. You clip that 40-cents-off-one-Dixie-product coupon. Maybe you get a break. Maybe your local grocery is running double coupons. Or has a sale on Dixie cups (don't hold your breath, your grocery guys are in on this conspiracy).

Okay, it's almost eight o'clock and I've yet to brush my teeth. The Goat has requested a conjugal visit, so it looks like a two-Dixie cup morning.

Some things, babies, are worth an extra Dixie cup.


Velvet Fog said...

Lord knows I hate to be the voice of reason, but is the Dixie cup really even needed to rinse? Just get down there and slurp right from the faucet woman! Crikey.

deangc said...

I'm going to work on the Next Generation of Dixie cup. That motherfucker will have a microchip in the rim that will sense your full and quivering lip pulling away. It will set off a series of tiny explosive charges down that seam, ensuring zero chance of re-use. Explosive obsolescence.

Oh, and I could never use Lavoris. It sounds dirty to me, like clitoris and lavatory together. Which just doesn't work for me. I like clitorides (oh yes, yes I do) just fine, but it's the juxtaposition that gets me.

Plus it tastes like crap.

Goat said...


Erin O'Brien said...

Here is the Goat's link in a clickable version.

I find it charming that the Goat has reached out to all of my readers with video footage that showcases his method of soliciting a conjugal visit.

james2285 said...

I learned long ago to just stick my head in the sink and slurp from the tap. as for the mouthwash i just chug straight from the bottle. But, I think the point hear is how can we make a paper cup last longer. If we solve that could we work on making an erection last longer?

ajooja said...

I've found that my cupped hand works better than most Dixie cups anyway. Fuck them!

wisdomstuff said...

I have those EXACT cups sitting in my bathroom. They are cute, aren't they? I have to tell you, Erin, I'm still sneaking more than one use for them, maybe I got a special batch :-)

Apogee_V said...

I have found that 1 cup will last 1 day. Stack 2 cups and they will last 2 days. But, stack and GLUE 2 cups and the combination will last 4 days. S&G (stack and glue) 4 cups will last 16 days...see the mathmatical progression? A S&G assembly will last n^2, therefore 10 S&G will last 100 days. If you S&G a 100 cup package, you can cement it to the ground and use it as a terrorist suicide vehicle barrier.

Hal said...

I remember Dixie Riddle Cups, which were as funny as Bazooka Joe comix.

Honestly, though, I became distracted as soon as I read the word "conjugal."

Mongrel Porksword said...

Why have a goat when you can have me?

jamwall said...

Dixie cups need to be properly grown and harvested. That guy was using too much water.

Jarvis Rockhall said...

I'm not down with all of your strange ethnic-American customs so I have to ask; is the Dixie cup's main competitor the Yankee cup?