Tuesday, October 23, 2007
The forces against us
Erin gonna tell you How It Is.
There is a man at Georgia Pacific--or perhaps a whole department--whose job entails figuring out exactly how to make a Dixie cup expire.
This guy walks a fine line.
If the cup comes apart too soon, he's effed because that of course makes the Dixie cup worthless. If it stays together forever, he's effed because then we're not all running screaming to the Discount Drug Mart in order to buy Dixie cups every fifteen minutes. Georgia Pacific stock plummets. The GP Big Shots start looking into why. Trail leads to the Disintegrating Dixie Department and the guy gets canned. Hence, that cup has to come apart not too soon and not too late. It's got make like Goldilocks and last long enough to be just right.
The Dixie People will tell you that the Dixie cup is a one-time-use item.
Bullshit. We all reuse our Dixie cups as many times as we can. Germs be damned! And really, am I not entitled to an extra mid-morning rinse? Or a brush after a particularly athletic session with the Goat? Shouldn't my Dixie cup give BACK a little once in a while?
Let me tell you what. They hired some new effer over at Dixie who really knows how to make this mother come apart. Used to be you'd get that extra Dixie cup go-around. Not anymore. This new guy's found a way to use that water-soluble non-toxic glue such that these cups blow out after one floss/brush/rinse session.
AND if for some reason the glue doesn't do it's disappearing trick, the Disintegrating Dixie Dude's got that covered. The paper they use to make a Dixie Cup is about as sturdy as the run-of-the-mill office paper stacked in my HP printer right now. So if the side seem doesn't blow out, the paper turns to Kleenex in the time it takes you to dig out a new bottle of Lavoris from the back of the vanity cabinet.
You think you're getting another blast out of that Dixie cup? HA! Ain't happening. Nope. You got nothing, so welcome to my world.
Belly-up to the Sunday coupon circular every week. Eventually, the pricks over at Georgia Pacific will loosen up and throw us a measly bone. When they do, you better be ready to lap it up, babies. You clip that 40-cents-off-one-Dixie-product coupon. Maybe you get a break. Maybe your local grocery is running double coupons. Or has a sale on Dixie cups (don't hold your breath, your grocery guys are in on this conspiracy).
Okay, it's almost eight o'clock and I've yet to brush my teeth. The Goat has requested a conjugal visit, so it looks like a two-Dixie cup morning.
Some things, babies, are worth an extra Dixie cup.