Friday, April 06, 2007

Possessed Easter Cat


This horrible thing was on my doorstep a few days ago.

I'm pretty sure that if I package it up and drive a few blocks and throw it in a dumpster, it will be back on my doorstep again tomorrow, festooned with onion skins and candy wrappers.

My eyebrows would collapse in puzzlement, then dots of perspiration would bead my upper lip. I'd scoop up the Possessed Easter Cat, Throw it in the car, speed off to the E. 55th Street pier and hurl it into Lake Erie.

The next morning, I would wake from a troubled sleep, stumble off to the bathroom, where I would turn on the light and regard my desperate face in the mirror, only to find the reflection of Possessed Easter Cat staring up at me from his perch on the back of the toilet, soiled and dripping.

I would, of course, scream.

Then, I would collect myself and start a raging fire in my backyard, a funeral pyre for Possessed Easter Cat. I would burn him and his little Easter cape and his soggy pink and white ear bonnet.

The next morning, my eyes would open tentatively and I would peer out from beneath the tangled bed linens. He would be on my nightstand, hideously charred to almost beyond recognition--save his glowing green eyes. As I am overcome with maniacal laughter, Rod Serling would appear outside of my bedroom door and explain how a twisted mind can be pushed over the edge by a simple little kitty.

Meow.

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16 comments:

whitenoise said...

ooohhh... spooky. Wasn't that "the Changeling" ? George C. Scott pitches the ball in the river, goes home and the thing bounces down his stairs to land at his feet..

Reading the Signs said...

If I'm not mistaken, that is a cat with rabbit's ears grafted on to its head who appears to have laid an egg. The thing is a voodoo monstrosity. I think you should report it to the authorities immediately. Did the beer come with it?

Valyna said...

That cat is quite frightening, even without the story.

But YAY beer!! :)

Happy Friday!
xx

Erin O'Brien said...

WN: Dunno. I'll try to bounce the lil' kitty down the steps and see what happens.

Signs: The beer did come with it, which (of course), terrorized me further. I called the authorities. They sent a small, half nude man who seemed to have an erection. I gave him the beer, which he drank. Then he grew two inches and rode away on my daughter's tricycle. The cat is still here.

Valyna: And now he's using red food coloring to draw a pentagram on my kitchen floor.

~d said...

DUDE! My neighbors invite me to Bunco, even though I never go...but I NEVER get nifty shit like THIS!!
Hoppy, Hoppy, Erin!

CheekierMeSly said...

Was immediately taken back to The New Christy Minstel's version of The Cat Came Back. Is that cat related to the jackalope?

Lady Roxanne said...

good lord.. I dont know what I would do with something like that if it were left on my porch.. Perhaps put it in a deep dark closet..

those girls are great huh?

Erin O'Brien said...

~d: Had I known getting this thing had anything to do with playing Bunco, I might not have joined!

Cheek: I think the cat is related to Satan.

Rox: The girls are great, but their impromptu gifts leave a little to be desired ...

josh williams said...

I can think of nothing more frighting than a fluffy bunny on my door step. Sheez,this is Easter Erin not Halloween stop creeping me out with the scary bunnys, I hate ( I do not ♥ scary bunny's) fluffy bunny's born from the womb of the devil herself. Devil evil... Fluffy bunny born from the devil are evil.

bunny + evil = evilbunny

Lets stop evilbunnys while we still have the chance!
I do not normally give public service announcements but this is a special case...Other than my diatribe, have a great Easter JW

Denny Shane said...

what would easter be withuot a tomato can in the picture. ;)

Seth Martin said...

Check our MY cats at http://packofthree.blogspot.com/

Not as scary as the cat you received, but pretty out there...

Corn Dog said...

I have seen a lot of weird sick things in my day but that thing is tops. Wire a brick on it and throw it in the river. Do you have a river up thar? If not, send the misfit out here and I'll drown it in the ocean. It MUST be disposed of. Poor some lighter fluid on it and burn it? At any rate, get it out of your home before the e-vile permeates. Damn.

Erin O'Brien said...

JW: Sorry, man, but had I any choice? This isnt' the sort of thing you keep under wraps.

People. Need. To. Know.

Why, what if this thing falls into the wrong hands? You want to see this mother in the White House? Well, now that I think about that, maybe it's not a bad option ....

Denny: Hey! You think I could go through Easter sans soup can? No way.

Seth: Yours is some wild kitty action over there.

Corn: Thanks for your concern. I'll figure something out. Mebbee I'll send it over to Seth. He seems to know what to do with bad kitties.

Ken Houghton said...

Should we feel sorry for the rabbit that it drinks a Coors product?

Oh, wait, about that Molson...

Helen Mansfield said...

Reminds me a of a skit on the "Muppet Show" from back in the day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xeWnA2KQpDE

Enjoy!

Erin O'Brien said...

Ken: you should feel sorry for ME because I'm sitting on a picnic table that has TWO EFFING FEET OF SNOW ON IT on April 7. Not to mention the fact that I'm wearing effing bunny ears.

Helen: Were Bert and Ernie gay?