Monday, January 29, 2007

Squeeze cheese, or mooing in your Big Girl shoes

I love squeeze cheese.

That is a horrible thing to admit, but there you go. And if that's not bad enough, sometimes I take a piece of that plastic cheese in the individual wrapper and fold it into fourths then I take four square crackers (used to be saltines, but now I use Triscuits) and put one quarter piece of plastic cheese on each cracker and eat that mother*. You can maybe nuke it for a few seconds if you want to melt the cheese (I don't, but to each his own).

With the squeeze cheese, you don't need to melt it because it's already gooey. And you get to make the squorrly little designs on account of the slotted tube top on the squeeze cheese can.

On the can it says "Real Kraft Cheese" in excited looking cursive letters. (Although I give them credit for restraining themselves and foregoing an exclamation point!)

To that, I just say no.

No, no, no, no. No.

Okay, I don't mean "no" in the "no" sense. What I mean is that I don't think the stuff in the can has been near anything that says "moo" in a long, long time. So I guess I mean "no moo."

I do not recommend reading the ingredient listing on the back of the can. It's scary. That probably goes for the plastic cheese as well. But if you do read it, you might wonder about the product's proximity to "moo" uttering creatures like I wonder. It does say "milk" on there, but come on already.

Sometimes I wear this cool black velvet top and a corduroy mini skirt and Big Girl shoes and I make the Goat take me out to a snotty place where you get a pot of cheese fondue with bread and steamed veggies and chunks of sausage and that is a real cheese experience that is way closer to "moo" uttering creatures than the plastic and/or canned variety I'm talking about here. I don't mean that there are cows in the snotty restaurant place, but that the stuff in the fondue pot did not come out of a can if you follow my meaning. I never wear mini skirts to barnyards anyway. Or Big Girl Shoes. We usually get a bottle of Chardonnay to go with the fondue.


I'm telling you this in hopes that you'll still think I'm sort of cool despite the squeeze cheese admission herein.

I once made the snotty restaurant fondue at home and it kicked ass from Cleveland to Ashtabula (where they still might have a few mooers). But it is expensive to make and sort of a pain in the ass. Also, making the fondue at home eliminates my desire to wear the mini skirt. Who cares? But if you want to try to make that shit, Here's a pretty good recipe.

*Options include adding a small piece of Vlasic Dill Pickle or a dollop of Pace Medium Picante.


Carol said...

mmmmmmm cheeeeese. . .

I am the original milk maid. . . dairy farmed for most of my adult life.

Hal Perry said...


A great line from a great movie, The Blues Brothers

sxKitten said...

Oh, Erin. Erin, Erin, Erin.

When you come to live with us, you'll have to bring your own fake cheese, 'cause I ain't buying that stuff. Sorry, but one has to draw the line somewhere.

We got Triscuits, though.

sullen girl said...

OMG.... I'm such a cheese whore. And I TOTALLY do the same thing w/ plastic cheese and triscuits!! They just fold into quarters so perfectly :)

Steven Gould said...

Here in the southwest (and Texas for that matter) it's con queso but my Dad always made it with Velveeta. Then, when it went on the market, Velveeta Mexican hot (1984).

It may have more to do with my relationship with my father, but I hate Velveeta and other synthoid cheeses, but I'll not hold it against you, Erin.

jamwall said...

i just made a cheez whiz effigy of you and then proceeded to massage you with triscuts.

jamwall said...

i'm working on making a triscut effigy of you as well.

Corn Dog said...

I love cool whip. Lord knows that is anti-moo and anti-chicken. They probably make that stuff from recycled linoleum.

Dean said...

Squeeze cheese causes cancer. Baldness. Indigestion. Dandruff. Hives. Constipation. Diarrhea. Insomnia. Drowsiness. Vomiting.

Mostly vomiting.

John Schramm said...

Ah, the memories. Every day after work, back in my single days. Except I preferred Wheat Thins to Triscuits, which had too much crumble for my taste. American Easy Cheese. Chardonnay. Light jazz.



Helen Mansfield said...

I like that crappy cheese food that comes in a jar. I think Kraft makes it. Some sort of cream cheese concoction with pineapple bits in it. Pretty tasty on an English water cracker.

Of course I like Pringles too, and they're pseudo-potatoes.

Marge: "What's wrong with the kids?"

Homer: "I blame floresent lighting and the beef horomones. Whatcha gonna do?"

fhb3 said...

Oh, man... that takes me back. In college, that was one of the four food groups (Cheeze whiz, Ramen, tuna, and ketchup.) When money got a little bit tight (and we used up our food vouchers for the dorm), we'd end up combining the four into some sort of foodstuff. It was so-so tasting, but really fun to make.

Damn it all, I'm hungry. I'm getting some Cheese Whiz.

~d said...

I was so totally looking at the can in the grocery yesterday thinking how much the kids would love it!
Grape minds, huh?!


Anonymous said...

There is no shame in cheese love, Madame.

I, for example, am capable of imbibing a third of a wheel of mature Normandy Camembert with ease and consirable pleasure.

In one sitting.

Trée said...

Nice manicure and such soft skin, on those digits.

Toby said...

I see the virgin mary just after she found out she was preggers in the cheese on cracker pic.

Molly said...

I dig the shit out of all things cheese...except for the can kind.

Someone told me once that it is really clear...and the orange color is added. I've never researched this myself, but it doesn't sound too far fetched.

I'm not hatin' though spray that clear cheese on anything you want, and enjoy it! :)

Libby Spencer said...

Oh Baby, I'll squeeze some fake cheese with you. Love the stuff. It's a well known fact that fake cheese will immunize one from Mad Cow disease. Thus it's actually a health food.

Lady Bonds said...

Oh Erin, you are causing me physical pain with your spread...for poop's sake, if you insist on consuming this product, at least make Beer-cheese soup with

4 chicken bouillon
1 qt. water or 3 c. water & 1 can beer
1 c. diced celery
1 c. diced onion
2 1/2 c. raw potatoes, cubed
1 c. diced carrots
1 (20 oz.) pkg. frozen vegetable mix
2 cans cream of chicken soup
1 lb. Velveeta cheese, cubed

Cook, covered the bouillon, water, beer, celery and onion for approximately 20 minutes. Add potatoes, carrots, vegetables and cook until tender. Add chicken soup and cheese. Heat until cheese is melted and soup is hot. Makes 4 quarts. Top with popcorn.


Buffy said...

Squeeze cheese use to be my crack.

Haven't had it in years though.

I grew doubtful it was actually cheese.