Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Do it loud

I need your help for an experiment.

You'll need to climax. One human, two humans. Even three or four. Take your pick. Add your big honking phalli and nubby rubber rings, whatever your pleasure. (Don't forget to use plenty of lubricant!) Or maybe do it regular missionary with your spouse. Maybe go it alone with just your miserable digits. Whatever works is fine.

Oh, you're going to have to do it twice, approximately the same way both times. Do it with the same person/people in the same place, same position--you get the drift. This is like serious. This is like for science.

The first time, pretend you are doing it on top the pile of coats at a party in a cheapo house with thin walls and you don't want to get caught. Just like when Elmer is hunting wabbit, be vewy vewy qwiet!

Tee hee!

Next time, I want you to really announce that climax! Grunt and groan and cry out and yell (I do not, however, recommend talking. Figure out a cleaver way to give instructions before you hit the sack. Oh sure, you can say "yes," and "more," and "hard." Directives such as these are often welcome. But don't say, "Please insert your finger three quarters of the way into my vagina whilst using your thumb to stimulate my clitoris," or, "I would enjoy it if you contacted your abdominal muscles right now." Okay? That doesn't get it.) Make big animal noises. Gurgle if you want. Just make it way effing loud.

Now then, which sex was better?



Erin O'Brien said...

I am going to leave today's first comment!

Have you ever seen me use so many exclamation points?!

And howza bout that graphic folks? If that doesn't make you want to take your pants off, then I don't know what.

jamwall said...

ok, my pants are off, but nobody here at work wants to participate with me.

jamwall said...

ok, my pants are off, but nobody here at work wants to participate with me.

jamwall said...

that was worth saying twice.

Denny Shane said...

Dare I say it... if you don't have lubricant... a small can of... ummm, not I can't say it...

Anonymous said...

Do it with the same person/people in the same place, same position

Sorry, but I never do it with the same person twice. Life is just too short. Just teasing (but not about the life being too short thing, it really is too short).

I'll need a few days for this ... in the name of science of course.

~d said...

GREAT experiment!

...talking the whole WAY thru!
(did I say: WOOO!) ?

Aliecat said...

As a control, I threw in screwing in the backseat of my parents station wagon as we all drove to church...

Carol said...

I would tend to say that sex anyway you slice it is good.

I will comment on the alone sex thing, though. I have recently had sex for one with other people in the room sleeping. . .my SO and my brother's girlfriend (though, they were not both in the room at the same time). There certainly is an element of excitement with the silent orgasm. The need to keep it quiet and not have anyone hear what you are doing is titillating to say the least. But there is also something to be said about being loud and proud doing it by yourself.

I would have to say that I enjoy the silent orgasm more. . .

Anonymous said...

Okay. I we just got done, and I had to get back to you quick with the results.

The queit, pretending to be at a party screw was much better because I pulled it out and pretended to blow it all over that weird old lady down the street who smells like vicks and mothballs' coat. We invite her to parties sometimes out of guilt.

blog Portland said...

For whatever reason, I have to start singing the theme song to The Greatest American Hero just before climax. This is probably why I only ever got a second date with deaf women.

Anonymous said...

And you wanted to know how you might ascend through the nobiliary ranks?

At this very moment my faithful drudges are painstakingly manufacturing your crown out of the finest golden filigree.

(The "jewel" will be a life-sized replica of your graphic, of course -- with rubies in the special spots.)

Erin O'Brien said...

Jam: You are so misunderstood. So, so misunderstood.

Jam: You are so misunderstood. So, so misunderstood.

Denny: All I can think of is the pic I'd take that could accompany this post for which I'd utilize the Tomato Soup can as a size reference.

Dan: I'd never get the hang of it if I changed partners all the time. Too much instructional effort.

~d: I'm expecting excellent data from you, young lady.

Alie: Very well done. Put's a hole new spin on the term "back seat driver."

Carol: A new point of view. Clearly this will require more research on my part ...

Merk: Hm. Better for you perhaps, but not for your elderly friend. Maybe she thought someone had to blow their nose and couldn't find a tissue. Poor dear.

Blog portland: Believe it or not, I'm walking on air!

Duchess: And I shall call the crown "Ode to Clitoris." Lovely, really.

Bobby Farouk said...

Does it have to be twice in the same decade?

Anonymous said...

Experiment #1: Still trying to determine if all the extra paraphenalia added to ensure quiet affected the experiment.

Experiment #2: This time, all the dogs in the neighborhood started howling, and the neighbors came running.

Now, we've got a choir.

Mongrel Porksword said...

Whether I'm alone, or doing a bunch of bitches, I always say, "OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTT, BABY!" when I cum.

By the way, Denny can use me as a size reference.

Doug said...

I, um, know this guy? Yeah. This guy I know. And he can last a long time, I mean a loooong time, provided his wife doesn't make much noise. But the moment she starts making noise, wham splat like a popped zit.

But I'm not a necrophiliac. I'm not.

And neither is this guy I know.

Erin O'Brien said...

Farouk: I was sort of thinking the experiment should go in a 24 hour period, but you go on and take all the time you need. One thing's for sure, if it's that long in between, you are going to remember all the details and will hence be able to give a reliable report.

Fool: You know, I start these thngs and I think I've thought everything through, but something always seems to creep up on me. Is an audio recording out of the question? Might be worth your while. Remember those barking dogs that did "Jingle Bells?" That guy cashed in.

Doug: I wonder if it's any noise, or if it has to be specific. Like, if she says, "Hey! You're on my hair!" does that do it for him? What if the phone rings?

Dean said...

I discussed this with the sxKitten, for we have done this particular experiment many, many (many) times, and we both say Loud is Better, although I hold to the chicken/egg hypothesis that it is impossible to tell whether the orgasm is good because the girl is loud or the girl is loud because the orgasm is good.

Anonymous said...

I shall happily play the guinea pig here, and report my findings complete with audio evidence.

I am generally the type of man who, when he needs to sneeze, sneezes good and loud.

Anonymous said...

The louder the better!

Hairy Prison Guard said...

I generally advise the inmates to keep it down at times like you are writing about. The warden takes a dim view of some of the types of sexual activities inmates get involved in. And with all the hard concrete walls and floors and beds and so on and so forth in most prisons the sounds can really carry.

Erin O'Brien said...

Mongrel: Sorry to have missed you before. And I hate to say it, but, baby, NO ONE can use you as a size reference.

Dean: The girl is loud because the orgasm is good.

Winters: Please send the audio along for a private review right away. Any video you have would help me give a complete discourse.

Toby: Yes!

Hairy: The way you've described that concrete has given me a rash. Eek!

Zen Wizard said...

The key is to do it with a person you really care about.

I always chose myself.

Well, it's not much of a choice thing, but it's always with myself.

spants said...

I personally like having a hand shoved over my mouth so I can lick and bite and snort my way through a wet and messy orgasm. Silence really can be golden.

Glass Houses said...

My conclusions on this experiment are two-fold.

I've decided that starting out quietly with the intention of remaining quiet is better...because it allows the pressure to build in such a way that getting loud comes naturally and as something of an accident. Loud is best when you just can't help it.

And and interesting thought for Dean; while Erin is correct that the girl is loud because the orgasm is good, the orgasm is often good because the GUY is loud.

Chew on THAT.