Tuesday, November 14, 2006

How the cookie crumbles

So you're not hungry but you want to eat something anyway and since you're eating for eating sake, you might as well eat something that you shouldn't eat anyway, so you go and get one of those goddamn cookies your mom made that have the chunks of Butterfingers in them and are surrounded by perfect cookie medium that is buttery and brown-sugary and chewy. Because the whole episode is about sensory fulfillment, you decide not to put the cookie on a plate and pour a cup of coffee and eat it like a civilized human being at the kitchen table, but instead you look out the picture window above the sink with the expression of a cow watching a passing train and start downing that goddamn cooking and thinking, Goddamn these goddamn cookies. I'm calling Mom right now and telling her never to make the goddamn things again. Goddamn these cookies are good.

In the center of the cookie is one giant huge mother-ship Butterfinger chunk, so you decide to eat all around it and save it for the last perfect bite. Even though all the bites leading up to that last mondo-Butterfinger chunk bite are way effing good, you know that last one is going to kick major ass and you can't wait for it.

You finally get to the kick-ass last bite. But because you are an eff-up, you lose your grip right before you pop it in. No way does it fall into someplace from which it is marginally acceptable to retrieve it like next-to-but-only-touching-a-water-drop-a-little-bit at the bottom of the sink, but instead it plops right into the Spongebob Squarepants Tupperware thingie that has a quarter inch of soapy water in it that totally soaks the last perfect Butterfinger cookie chunk. You go to spew a bunch of bellyaching and start with a loud, "Goddamnit!" then you think, Shut up mother effer. You got to eat that whole great cookie. Don't you bitch about losing one chunk. Go on and get on with your life, yeah.


Anonymous said...

You didnt need that last piece anyways.

It is always better to leave a little bit on the plate.

It keeps the ph right at the landfill.

You probably grinded it up in the disposal however..

That is unless you rinsed it off and ate it anyways and not fessed up to it.

A little soap is good for your intestinal track.

Toby said...

Soap schmoap. Did you even consider the five second rule? I would have eaten it anyway.

Btw, my mom makes terrible cookies even though she's a great cook otherwise.

sxKitten said...

I think when that happens, you're allowed a do-over. A cookie doesn't count unless you eat all of it.

melanie said...

ah the love of a good cookie. You are my yoda!

Bugwit Homilies said...

Jeez, Erin, so the dishes, will ya? ;-)

Where do I get that blue soup you always eat?

Anonymous said...

I hope it wasn't your last one, then it would have really been an effing pisser.

Anonymous said...

That last chunk is not even close to being a throwaway at chez Paul. A quick rinse, and down it goes.

Loops O'Fury said...

The sex kitten is right. You need to eat another one. Do you want your failure at the sink to jinx the whole damn day?

~d said...

Hee hee! You have such a cool ass way of making what I think about seem so damn FUNNY! And I have found myself wondering if anyone else THINKS like that!
OK-you mentioned your Mom, and I started singing
There's mud all over the floor.

Yeah. How is THAT for all getting into my head?

Erin O'Brien said...

Bostick: You are right, and I surely don't want to be the one responsible for effing up the PH at the landfill. Now come on over here, baby and crumble a cookie with your mama.

Toby: This pioneer attitude is exactly the reason I love you.

Sxk: I will not tell whether or not I went on and ate me another!

Mel: Thank god, I'm finally someone's Yoda! I love that dude's style.

Bug: I did the dishes baby, now come on over and help me get this living gloves off.

Merk: I shall never tell!

Paul: How can I get on the reservation list at Chez Paul, baby?

Loops: Baby, one cookie at the sink don't matter none, I done jinxed me whole life!

~d: what is dumb is that when most people drop a cookie crumb in the sink, they just sigh and move on. I, on the other hand, go and get my cam, take a pic and tell the whole effing world about it. erf!

Anonymous said...

say it, say it, say it.....the whole point was sexual......it was all about S A V O R.....say it slowly.....like being in the middle of an o, of an or, of an org..damn someone just walked in.

Zen Wizard said...

Butterfinger chip cookies--that is pure genius.

I mean, that is Lex Luthor-meets-Wile E. Coyote-genius...

FLAMINGO1 said...

Just give me a god-damned cookie.

~d said...

ORGASM! (ahem) thought I'd help anonymous out there. Hate to leave ANYone hanging RIGHTTHERE, you know?

FLAMINGO1 said...

Just give me a god-damned cookie and no one will get hurt.

Mone said...

I am addicted to butterfinger!!
But I didnt want one swimming in a bowl of tomato soup, hahaha.

Dean said...

You could probably write a self-help book about cookies and crumbling and standing at the sink, like that damn thing that was like a children's book called something like 'Who Moved My Cheese'. It cost about a buck to write, another buck to print, and they made a fortune.

Erin O'Brien said...

Anon: Okay, fine. I am taking my pants off. Voof!

Zen: And if you think that's torture, you should try her brown sugar oatmeal crisps. Goddamn it! I keep telling her to stop, stop, stop making them.

Flam: UNCLE! I give! You win!

~d: To tell you the truth, I sorta like hanging right there for a while.

Mone: So true. There's very few ways to eff up a butterfinger, yet I managed to ... hm.

Dean: All I know about money is that I'm never going to have any. Yeah, yeah.

Satan said...

at least publish the recipe already


by the way dropping the last morsel of cookie into a cesspool is one of my collection of invented disappointments of which i am most proud

disappointment is mine


Erin O'Brien said...

Satan, I am trying to get Mom to give me the recipe. As you know, she can be difficult about such matters.

You are so cute when you swear!