Thursday, November 09, 2006

Being a writer

Erin: The editor changed all my "effs" to "fucks."

Boy Writer: Yeah?

Erin: Yeah.

Boy Writer: That sucks.

Erin: Yeah.

Boy Writer: I had an editor once who changed "mediocre" to "shitty."

Erin: "Shitty" and "mediocre" are about the same.

Boy Writer: You and him would have gotten on famously. He also made me use "cum" all the time. Even in sentences like, "she is going to cum over after dinner."

Erin: Okay, I'll give you the point on "cum" versus "come." But I'm not so sure about shitty and mediocre.

Boy Writer: How can you say that? Shitty is shitty. Shitty is not mediocre. Shitty aspires to one day be mediocre. Shitty is not even shittiocre.

Erin: I like shittiocre.

Boy Writer: Shittiocre is also a discontinued Crayola crayon color.

Erin: I miss the shittiocre crayon. But you are right about shitty and mediocre. They are not the same. For instance, shitty sex is way worse than mediocre sex.

Boy Writer: There is such as thing as shitty sex?


Anonymous said...

Shitty sex is when no effort is put forth or you are completely disgusted by your "partner". Mediocre sex is when a small amount of effort is put forth and you are still disgusted by your "partner". Except for maybe when it's bad...cause bad is just a whole other ball game.

Jim Winter said...

Shitty sex is any sex that requires medical attention afterward, usually a trip to the emergency room.

No, erections lasting more than four hours do not count. (But they sound painful after a point.)

Mediocre sex is when one partner simply lets the other partner use them to get off. Typically, the phrase "Are you done yet?" is uttered in lieu of "Oh, God, yes! Yes! Yes!"

Not sure if mediocre sex is better than no sex, but it's definitely better than shitty sex. Then again, neither I nor any partner have ever been seriously injured.

Bill Fitzgerald said...

It's The Elements of Style as EB White could never have imagined. Effing Brilliant!

Dean said...

There is such as thing as shitty sex?

There are so many punchlines available. So many, what to do, what to do.

Anybody who doesn't believe in shitty sex has never slept with my ex-wife.

Mediocre sex is sex that's better than nothing.

Shitty sex is sex that's worse than nothing, the kind of sex you roll away from with a desperate pain in your stomach and think "Jeebus, why did I do that?"

garrett said...

I'm glad to see this explained. To me, the volume of actual profanity in your cucumber salad piece was extremely off-putting.

So I'm glad it wasn't your fault.

All the "effing" and "effers" populating your blog are acceptable. I probably couldn't love you so much if you said "fucking" and "fuckers" all the time instead.

Let that editor know some of your fans aren't enamored of blunt crudeness. If you want.


~d said...

Is there such thing as shitty sex? Hmmm.
I like boy writer's way of thinking.

so all your effs become fucks?! Now that is a difference!

mother effin fuckers!


Jesus Toast said...

"he also made me use cum all the time".

That is a quote I will never forget.

n said...

If I wasn't such a lazy soddess I would let your editor know that 'there are parts of Erin that can not be prefected on. Her use of eff is so charming and makes the cucumber salad funny ~~~~fuck fuck fuck was .....lame and shitty.Okay fuck was funny once ..but not 10X.
from the peanut gallery

DykesDog said...

Shitty Sex, oh dear God please let me never know that is true ...

Anonymous said...

I like the way that boy talks. Does he use the word lame ever?

nicole said...

I'm definitely more of an "eff" fan. HA!

Toby said...

Semantics is a dirty, dirty word. :)

Loops O'Fury said...

Shitty sex was when my husband fell asleep on top of me.

PDD said...

Umm... yes boy writer, there is such a thing as shitty sex. A man can say he had mediocre sex, but has never experienced shitty sex, while a woman is capable of experiencing both.


PDD said...

Oh and Toby, very funny!

Mohawk Chieftain said...

Shouldn't it be you and he?

Satan said...

shitty sex is when she doesnt use the enema kit before i knock on the back door

my goal is to convince every woman that the feeling of remorse and self loathing that she feels after we have sex is actually an orgasm

i have been known to induce a series of consecutive multiple disappointments using my expert technique

its what i do

wanna piece of me obrien

emmapeelDallas said...

Oh, c' is like pizza...even when it's pretty bad, it's still pretty good...

Denny Shane said...

Boy Writer: There is such as thing as shitty sex?

Are you kidding? I once was dating a girl that wanted me to.... ummm let's leave it to that. ;)

Doug said...

my goal is to convince every woman that the feeling of remorse and self loathing that she feels after we have sex is actually an orgasm

Oh, Satan, that's why we worship you.

O'Brien, I love shittiocre too. What a great word! And, hmm, shitty sex: I'd have to give you a serious answer on that and say it's any sex where either party feels worse afterwards rather than better. Mediocre sex, on the other hand, is simply forgettable.

Libby Spencer said...

Jim Winter you are so wrong. Best sex I ever had required a trip to the doctor the next day when I lost function in one of my arms.

And boy do I miss that shittiocre crayon in the Crayola box. Worse decision they ever made was to drop that color.

Bugwit Homilies said...

Your editor doesn't get you. Eff.

Jim Winter said...

"Jim Winter you are so wrong. Best sex I ever had required a trip to the doctor the next day when I lost function in one of my arms."

Ah, but that's considered a sports injury rather than an infection or assault induced, both of which are pretty shitty, the latter warranting felony charges.

Glorious sex can also hurt you, and in many cases, we're disappointed when it doesn't.

Brookelina said...

We don't have conversations like this at work. Probably cause I spend my day with six year olds.


Grant Bailie said...

Boy writer sounds kind of like a dope to me.

Lipp said...

Little know fact about the shittiocre crayon: it's the only one you can sharpen in a cat's ass.

josh williams said...

Bitch slap the boy.

Norm said...

Boy Writer wouldn't be that guy from Lakewood, would it ... !

Anonymous said...

You got a bunch of newbies over here.. How did you do that?