Friday, July 21, 2006

Guest blogger Toby Speeks

Welcome guest blogger Toby Speeks. Don't believe Toby speaks? Believe this. The luscious Toby has plenty of things here for you bloggers to talk about while I'm chasing deadlines. (I'll be back next week.)

Well then, luvs, here is Toby:

I've never been a guest poster before. Erin asked me to do this last night and I was floored. I only wish I could have come up with something more entertaining.

First off, a funny:

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full

Today is my last day of work for two whole weeks.

It's been along time since I've taken two weeks off at one time. I have no concrete plans, but I will probably go see my brother for a while and I am thinking about going out east for a few days. We'll see. Where ever I go I will have my laptop with me.

My dream from last night:

I was traveling in a train at a high rate of speed on a city street when I came upon a steep downhill slope. I became airborne for a bit. When I landed, there was a farm tractor towing a long wagon making a turn from a side street in front of me onto the street I was barreling down heading in the same direction as me. I swerved to the left, but still side swiped it and became entangled with it. The next thing I new, the train and the tractor and wagon were crashing into a body of water and everything came to an immediate stand still.

My neck hurt when I woke up this morning.

What do you think?

I had a friend who adopted animal rights as a personal cause.

She dropped all friends who ate meat, saying they condoned cruelty to animals. I argued that I think it's possible to give an animal a good life right up to the time you make it part of your dinner. My friend did not buy this argument, and I haven't seen her since.

My virginity lost (Erin's idea):

I was 13, she was 15. She was my best friend's older sister. I shot her in the tit with a pellet gun. We were having a "BB gun war." I think it turned her on. She showed me her tit, I think it turned me on. I know it turned me on. That night she got me drunk on Yukon Jack and took advantage of me. I had no arguments.


Erin O'Brien said...

I had a wonderful climax when I lost my virginity. It was a "first potato chip" of sorts. Once you start ...

Dean said...

Toby, that might be the best loss-o'-virginity story I've heard. Maybe I need to get me a BB gun?

Mine was pretty dull, although it did involve sex, which is always a good thing.

Doug Hoffman said...

Another vote for 'dull' here, too. Although I've never been sure where to start the clock. First intercourse, or first orgasm brought on by a woman? With me, there was about 4 or 5 years between the two.

Come to think of it, the earlier first wasn't all that spectacular, either.

Farm Girl said...

Took advantage of you......

~d said...

I remember WHO I lost my viginity to-does that count for anything?
HOORAY to Toby for being a guest blogger!


You have reached an element of 'cool' that I strive to be.

YAY Erin for choosing someone I already adore!

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

~d said...

A No-Eyed Deer

~d said...

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Toby said...

Haha, Erin.

Thanks, Dean. I recommend a Sheridan pump action. That way you can control how hard the BB (in my case it was a pellet) hits as to not cause any real damage. And always remember to wear eye protection and aim for center mass.

Doug, I was laid before I learned about self-love. It was maybe a year or so after. My first time I was caught by my mom and a contractor. They both were walking around the house inspecting windows that were going to be replaced. I really don't know if I was caught, there might have been sufficent glare on the window and my mom didn't say anything, but I sure felt like I was caught. I didn't make another attempt for a long time.

Les, she did, but I did not resist.

Thanks Tilde. Thanks to Erin too.


I don't remember many details, but it was not dull. I do know I didn't go over there solely for my best friend after that. We "did it" many more times for about a year. Then my best friend and I got in trouble, we were caught stealing some wood from a new house being built and we were banned from hanging out with each other.

Roxi said...

first of all..

that friend was not worth your time anyway..

the funny was interesting..


how the fuck did a 15 year old get a 13 year old drunk.. I think thats a good 6 years away from being able to buy drinks.... yep.. pretty sure..


Toby said...

Roxi, this took place in 1981 when the legal age was 18. We lived in the country. My friend would have his sister ask guys going into the liquor store to buy for us. She was a pretty young thing and not many resisted the request.

Weirder things have happened.

josh williams said...

I think an animal should have the right to choose who eats it! I stand by this belief with the exception of the dirty little Racoon who stole the duck eggs from my good friend and adopted duck "Ducky". It happened day before yesterday. I noticed the duck nest with 9 fertilized eggs lay with good ole "Ducky" always sitting on the clutch waiting to assist the life that would peck through her eggs.,..Ducky was gone and here eggs where all torn assunder and there was a big turd in the water dish I had sitting beside her nest. Alas one of my neighborhood racoons did not ask but I am telling! Any one have a good recipe for Racoon?From this day forward I hate all Racoons!
You where thirteen eh? Ha! Strong work!...I miss good ole "Ducky" almost as much as she miss's her clutch of ...future "Duckys". I hate effing Racoons!They are nothing but masked bandits bent on distruction!Enough about me...again strong work Toby.

Toby said...

Josh, sorry about your loss. I used to hang out with this black dude and him and his older brothers would buy racoons from some trapper guy. I'm not sure how they prepared them, but I do remember them telling the trapper guy the "coons" better have feet. After Tyrone and I were away from his brothers I asked why the feet were so important. He told me because "we don't want to be eatin no cat."

Jozee said...

No comment. I remember a comet. A black comet and a bend in the river that's all.

josh williams said...

Thanks Toby. As you know I did have somewhat of an affection for this duck and her eggs. She chose my yard as santuary and afforded me an excuse not to bother mowing up front yard. But then the Racoons... Great story love the "we dont want to be eatin no cat". As for the racoons I want the feet as well.Something tells me its going to take a little more than Mrs Dash to make them taste like chicken.

Toby said...

Jozee - You remember more. I've been told by more than not, a woman remebers her first until she dies. Good or bad. Keep it all to yourself, but I'm very curious about the black comet. Share?

Josh - Yes, I'm an animal lover even though I eat some of them. It pains me to acknoledge the treatemnt some of my/our meat edures. I'm a hypocrit in some facets of my life, but aren't we all. That's not a question.

I'd love a good family of wild ducks in my front yard. I'd be super disappointed if some varment ruined it. I didn't know you put a dish out for them, that's super nice.

josh williams said...

I dont know if it warrants a super nice , but it does show some sort of humanity I suppose.I don't know why I liked the duck so much, I guess I felt like she trusted me. There was not much more that I could have done, other than sit on the eggs and wait, but my weight would have crushed them and I would have felt real stupid for pursuing that avenue of thought...I walked over and checked the canal and there are a number of ducks and geese along with their little ones, so I suppose life goes on despite my efforts.

Vince said...

Weird, I just had a vision of a prostitute Blowing her own nose--I had no idea a nose could be so sexual.

And it's odd I had a similar train dream, but instead of freezing, it completly re-wound.

And the 15 year old sister thing happened to me too. Only it was a drumstick that triggered the excitement.

This is all true man, that's what makes it so unbelievable.

Jozee said...

Sex and guns and rock and roll.

It's true I do remember, though the experience was not memorable.I think all the details are still in my head somewhere.

The Comet belonged to him. We were in it I don't know what year it was. It had fins,it was vintage.

I'd never forget who my first was because my father hated him. I was 16 he was 20.

Years later he apologized to me for never getting along with my father.

A year after that he went down by the river and blew a shotgun hole into his chest.

Yet another, "Man Found Dead" headline.

That's the "God's honest truth" as my father used to say.
My father was my first "Man Found Dead" headline.

Sorry if my suicide talk offends anyone. Since it's ocurred with two people in my life it's my belief it's better discussed than swept under the rug.


Erin O'Brien said...

I am heartened to see everyone carrying on marvelously in my absence.

I remember every detail of first sex. I do not care to divulge all of them, just suffice it to say that on that day, I learned that heterosexual coitus is a singular thing. I have never experienced anything that comes close to approximating it.

as far as racoons are concerned. Try boiling their terrible little carcasses in water for hours and hours. Eventually you'll have a delicious racoon gravy.

Brush daily. Visit often. And spread the love.

Toby said...

Josh, I know life goes on. I learned that on the Discovery channel. I used to have no less than 15 feral cats living in and around my hood. There were very few birds before they were eradicated. I'm not sure how that happened (I had nothing to do with it, I swear), just one day they stopped coming around. It was comical to me when I would come home from work during the cold months, all the cats would be sunning them selves on my south-side porch. They wouldn't budge until I shut my car door. They were well aware of my presence, but the shutting of the door must have confirmed to them that I was indeed making my way to my door and then they would sCATter. There are lots of birds now. This morning I saw two Blue Jays(unusual) and I heard a Cardinal singing away.

Hi Vince, I heard there is some casino paying top dollar for visions such as yours.

I had one of those wind up choo-choos.

Drumstick - Chicken?

I totaly, unequivocally believe you.

Jozee, thanks for sharing. When I thought of "black Comet" my mind was in space, not on cars. I imagined a grassy knowl under a moon lit sky.

I'm sorry for your losses. I've never had a family member do it, but I've had three pretty close friends do it. Two were over girls. The third died in his car, running inside his garage. Awesome drummer he was. No one knows for sure if he "did it" or if it were an accident.

On too more cheery things....

Boiled raccons. I watched a great PBS show about a girl who hiked the Hochiminh trail. At one point in her journy she found people boiling small orange monkeys into a black paste. She also ate snake and silverfish soup. That's snakes and giant cockroaches in boiling water.

I do like all food. *cough*

jamwall said...

i was seduced by a gang of raccoons.

Vince said...

Not a chicken, it was a long hard wood drumstick. Kind of like Pinochio's nose, which reminds me of that prostitute again.

Toby said...

Jam - Pictures?

Vince - I was once hit on by a one legged hooker.

josh williams said...

I've posted pictures of "Ducky" and her clutch of eggs on telephone(Utility poles) poles with a number and reward.
Thank you Erin for the input, I was trying to batter and pan fry the racoons but the whole boiling thing seems to make sense.
I did find a turtle digging a nest while looking for ducky and her duckylings, I remembered a news letter that was stuck in my door asking me to call them if I found a turtle nesting so they could study the life of turtles in an urban enviroment. Butler University, U terp or something like that...I called them and it was like I caught a young man spanking his monkey, the person I reported the turtle siting to stammered and then punctuated this with a long pause and then told me they would have someone out there right away! I think I may have been the first to report a turtle, theys some hard beasts to follow...

PDD said...

I was 18. These days that's old. I do have a good girl in me... somewhere.

PDD said...

Oh and congrats to Toby for being a guest blogger!

n said...

toby since you are the guest blogger I am requesting that you do a sexed up photo of you in erin's bra or your wifes just cross dress a little. Erin would do this for us, she loves us. Do you love us.

Erin O'Brien said...


nadina said...

erf. See now I just feel bad.

~d said...

Nerf with no 'n'?

Fish ?


Toby said...

Josh, good for you. How much is the reward?

PDD, 18 isn't old. It all depends on where one lives. We lived in the country and there was little else to do.

Thank you.

N, No. ;)

Erin, smurf.

Nadina, N I presume, don't feel bad.

Tilde - erf.

Toby said...

Josh, good for you. How much is the reward?

PDD, 18 isn't old. It all depends on where one lives. We lived in the country and there was little else to do.

Thank you.

N, No. ;)

Erin, smurf.

Nadina, N I presume, don't feel bad.

Tilde - erf.

Blonde Vigilante said...

Toby is such a ho bag!

Toby said...

Takes one to know one. ;)

Anonymous said...

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