I am a housewife. I don't care. Fuck June Cleaver. Fuck Jane Jetson. Fuck Better Homes and Gardens.
You should see my vacuum. It's fucking beautiful. It is a 12-amp bagless self-propelled Hoover fucking Windtunnel with a powered hand tool and a HEPA filter. When I first got it, I took it out of the box and licked it.
I have a pressure cooker. I have a griddle. I have a cast iron skillet that I could use to take out a bushy-haired intruder any day of the fucking week.
Bring it on, motherfucker.
I've got the baddest motherfucking washer and drier you have ever seen. You see this coffee pot? Know what it's called? The Poly Perk. Dig that shit. How many other fuckers you know have a Poly Perk coffee pot? You fuckers come over here and I'll put up a pot of coffee in this mother fucker. And it's regular fucking Maxwell House. None of that nancy-fucking fresh roast gourmet shit you buy from some candy-ass fucking boutique.
Martha Stewart sucks cock.
I make meatloaf. I roast chicken. I peel potatoes. I use Stove Top stuffing mix and lie about it. I have a shaker of 100 percent pure MSG in my spice cabinet. I shake it on everything. Who cares? I have a coupon secretary. I do BOGO. I do clearance. I do reduced for quick sale.
Erin know Clorox.
Erin know Windex.
Erin know Tilex.
My fucking refrigerator kicks ass. I masturbate on my kitchen counters. My shelf liners are so fucking fine, they make me fucking weep.
I spray Pledge behind my ears. I douche with Simple Green. I scrub my armpits with Comet.