Friday, March 24, 2006

Housewife

I am a housewife. I don't care. Fuck June Cleaver. Fuck Jane Jetson. Fuck Better Homes and Gardens.

You should see my vacuum. It's fucking beautiful. It is a 12-amp bagless self-propelled Hoover fucking Windtunnel with a powered hand tool and a HEPA filter. When I first got it, I took it out of the box and licked it.

I have a pressure cooker. I have a griddle. I have a cast iron skillet that I could use to take out a bushy-haired intruder any day of the fucking week.

Bring it on, motherfucker.

I've got the baddest motherfucking washer and drier you have ever seen. You see this coffee pot? Know what it's called? The Poly Perk. Dig that shit. How many other fuckers you know have a Poly Perk coffee pot? You fuckers come over here and I'll put up a pot of coffee in this mother fucker. And it's regular fucking Maxwell House. None of that nancy-fucking fresh roast gourmet shit you buy from some candy-ass fucking boutique.

Martha Stewart sucks cock.

I make meatloaf. I roast chicken. I peel potatoes. I use Stove Top stuffing mix and lie about it. I have a shaker of 100 percent pure MSG in my spice cabinet. I shake it on everything. Who cares? I have a coupon secretary. I do BOGO. I do clearance. I do reduced for quick sale.

Erin know Clorox.

Erin know Windex.

Erin know Tilex.

Erin know.

My fucking refrigerator kicks ass. I masturbate on my kitchen counters. My shelf liners are so fucking fine, they make me fucking weep.

I spray Pledge behind my ears. I douche with Simple Green. I scrub my armpits with Comet.

Fuck you.

63 comments:

Denny Shane said...

Oh..... my..... God.....

Where have you been all my life? You turn me on so much when you talk about your wifely duties and things.

How would you like to be ex-wife #3? Even for like an hour or so? or 5 minutes whichever or whomever cums first?

jamwall said...

i once fucked a Cuisinart!

Denny Shane said...

oh and Erin, before I forget, I mention you on my blog today, and a free plug for Harvey and Eck. Your sales should be skyrocketing now. ;)

Dongley Shlongford said...

Well, well well.
Masturbating on the counter?
I think I'll try that during my next luau.

Bill Fitzgerald said...

Ummm ... could I come over and borrow a cup of sugar?

PDD said...

OMG!!!

This has got to be one of my favorite posts Erin.

I fuck on my kitchen counters though I haven't masturbated on them yet. I will sure give it a try.

Vim Oxygel always does it for me.

PDD said...

Oh, and I love, love, love that picture of you. You do have the best hair.

Toby said...

Spicy house wife.

I own a crock pot.

Fuck me.

PDD said...

I have always wanted a crock pot.

Toby, I am next in line!

PDD said...

I had to read this again. It's just too fucking good.

Still laughing.

If only there were more housewives like Erin.

Satan said...

we have a place for you

Complete Game said...

Now you see why dudes sport wood about their lawn/yard tools.

Hal said...

Make it complete set with no fewer than four or five racks of Stroh's in the garage. No Clevelander would be without it.

And Maxwell House? That's a surprise. I figured you an instant coffee gal all the way.

I will tell you that I drank instant coffee during many of my 12 years in Seattle, the candy ass latte capital of the free world. People thought I was deranged.

Toby said...

PDD, there is no line. I can multitask.

Erin O'Brien said...

Denny, baby, as incredibly intriguing as that offer is, I'm going to have to take a rain check, what with toby over here and all ...

jamwall, baby, three words: John. Wayne. Bobbitt.

Dong, baby, you look adorable in a grass skirt.

Bill Fitz, baby, I got all the sugar you need.

PDD, baby, I knew this would speak to you on some deep level

toby, baby, I'll show you a slow cooker

Satan, baby. Baby, baby, baby.

Complete game, baby, is sport wood another name for a baseball bat?

Hal, baby, I like that instant coffee seattle thing A LOT.

toby, baby, I had you, then I lost you. Guess that's just how you roll.

PDD said...

Erin, baby, you didn't lose Toby, he just doubled your pleasure!

babyjewels said...

You are fucking hysterical, lady.

Toby said...

mul·ti·task·ing (mlt-tskng) "multitask"

n. The concurrent operation by one central processing unit of two or more processes.


I'm the one central processing unit.

Proctor Silex said...

Dear Erin,

You'll never find at the end of all time, an appliance that loves you more than I do.

Sincerely,

Proctor Silex

Hope Dangling said...

I love you more and more as each blog passes my dear. (I fucking love you use Maxwell house. Fuck starbucks baby!!!)

Captain Carl said...

Arrrr....ay want your vaccum....to clean me poopdeck up......

a side note from the Capt....
Simple Green is the SHIT!!!!

Stephanie Powers said...

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and we have the same FUCKING VACCUUM.

Though I often buy Maxwell House, brick or can, I do prefer Chock full o'Nuts, being a Northeasterner. Also, chock is sometimes slang for ga-gina (vaginal canal) in Brooklynese.

Big secret: You have often made me want to be a man or at the very least do a man's job. Miss you.

nadina said...

I read this post this morning and thought 'oh I should say something witty' but ....really I am speechless.
I see a new book of household hints in book stores soon.

Darby M. Dixon III said...

Fucks yeahs!

Me said...

I'm pretty sure that a Poly Perk can only perk good wholesome regular Joe kinda coffee. It's in the warranty.

Erin O'Brien said...

PDD and Toby, babies, I'll bring the mouthwash and Q-tips.

babyjewels, baby, that must be why I keep banging my head against the wall.

Proctor Silex, baby, Lou Rawls loves me from the grave.

HD, baby, I love you said, "Fuck starbucks," without even giving them a capital effing "s!"

Steph, baby, we ought to have us a regular Saturday Afternoon Special and put the whole thing on film.

nadina, baby, try using an old knee-high as a lint trap for your washer hose.

Darby, baby, Effs yeahs!

Meredith, baby, damn-ass straight, mother effing Poly Perk would probably blow up with that nancy-ass gourmet coffee!

Lipp said...

Just when I thought I could not love you anymore...

Also I have to agree with Complete Game.

And I hope your countertops are not tile because that shit will discolor your grout!

Right Wingers said...

Dear Erin,

It warms our heart to see a woman willingly and gracefully accept her place, in the kitchen. Now bend over so we can plow the back 40.

Sincerely,

Right Wingers

JustLinda said...

Hahahah This post is a work of art!

jungle jane said...

i want Erin's hair too.

You do seem to own a lot of appliances Erin. I believe that in all that you have appliances that you are not admitting to because you never used them once they were out the box.

for example, a toasted sandwich maker. or possibly even a popcorn maker. i have both of those and have never toasted my sandwich or popped corn.

if you don't have either of these and are envious you are welcome to mine.

Denny Shane said...

I had a toaster sandwich maker and a popcorn maker once. Then we got divorced.

shadmarsh said...

Do you have to use so many fucking curse words?

Trailblazer said...

It is a great idea to be proud of who you are and what you do.

www.starmoney.blogspot.com

PDD said...

Denny, what happened?

Erin O'Brien said...

Lipp, baby, exactly which fluids are you concerned about regarding stains?

wingers, babies, condi rice is cumming over for coffee.

JustLinda, baby, JustWelcome.

Jane, baby, thank god you're finally here. As you can see, I need a little help with the boys.

Denny, baaayby, we can borrow Jane's and make like house for weekend.

Shad, baby, coksuckermotherfuckercornholingcuntlickingasswipe.

Trailblazer, baby, you might be spam, you might not be spam. If you are spam, I just called a canned meat product baby. If you are not spam, please remove your pants.

PDD: who knows, maybe we should get together and make him a sandwich.

Xxaatm said...

Olive oil is cheap in Canada, although, organic is pricey, and dosen't work as-well.
(an all-natural appliance lubricant)

Toby said...

It's been a while since I've had a good Q-Tipping.

Erin O'Brien said...

xx, baby, I like the way you think.

toby, baby, baby. Baby, baby, baby.

Ms. M said...

With so much great stuff you should be masturbating till death! What a way to go!

Toby said...

oo

Paul said...

Jaysus. I see your comment in Deb's blog. I read two entries...I gotta link you. This never happens.

Anonymous said...

John Sheppard sent me over and I'm glad he did. Your blog is funny as hell and gosh, we have the same publisher (hate their covers, oh well Fabio, oh well.)

Timothy Gager

Erin O'Brien said...

Welcome to the good Mr. Gager, who comes bearing kind words.

Excellent!

I hope to see you often amid these pages and will be looking through yours shortly ....

Humbly yours in letters and coffee pots,

Erin O'Brien

Blonde Vigilante said...

I really can't tell you what I think was better...the post...or the comments. Fucking decisions.

~d said...

This comment is from your Housewife blog from March. I LOVE it! OMIGOD! I want to HOLLA for the 24/7 JOB we do-and I want everyone to READ THIS POST OF YOURS>
THIS IS amazing-and beautiful!
Brought tears to my eyes.
**
OH!**

a practice if the LOGIC that I learned in college, hence the ummm, not degree...(ahem)

Erin heart Housewife.
~d is housewife.
Therefore Erin heart ~d.

Dogs have four legs.
My cat has four legs.
Therefore my dog is a cat.

Erin O'Brien said...

Thanks ~d!

This is one of my favorites. Dig my coffee pot!

SpamsonOliveroll said...

Erin, you are a silly. Site is funny, but more appliance talk please, it is a wicked turn on.

I would have posted sooner, except for all of those pesky parole conditions.

Tits McGee said...

I think I love you.

Dean said...

Follow up to Tits, and a reminiscence of the Partridge Family:

"I think I love you
So what am I so afraid of?
I'm afraid that I'm not sure of,
The love there is no cure for."

I don't want to think about the love there is no cure for.

Tederick said...

Sorry to join the party so late. This is the best blog entry I've ever read. This is why Bill Gates invented blogging.

Buy Levitra said...

Great article! Thanks.

Phentermine said...

Thanks for interesting article.

Anonimous said...

Nice! Nice site! Good resources here. I will bookmark!

Maxwells said...

I see first time your site guys. I like you :)

Anonimous said...

Excellent website. Good work. Very useful. I will bookmark!

Arabella said...

I too am a Cleveland housewife and I adore my vacuum, a Miele brand and it kicks ass.

Mati said...

haven't even started on warshing machines.

Philbilly said...

Two questions;

Will you make a house call? I will send a limo. I will pay serious cash money, no windows, no laundry, hell, skip the bathroom, too. Just do my kitchen.

Does you haz a sister?

"I like to watch."
Chauncey Gardener
"Being There"

Markus said...

Good JoB! :)

twillis said...

If you lived near me we would be BEST friends!!

HeyJoe said...

good lord. live it baby.

Flotsam & Jetsam à la Fiona said...

I am housewife, hear me roar!

SilkyHolly said...

You are an awesome housewife. I have masturbated on the counter before and I am a master brewer!

Holly