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I was going to end there, but I find I cannot leave you without a goodbye kiss of sorts. Hence, here is a short (and true) story about the Most Obnoxious Woman in the World.
The Most Obnoxious Woman in the World is at a party. She is drinking copious quantities of Scotch, which is having the predictable effect. It is the mid 70's and she is bathed in Rive Gauche cologne and Qiana.
The biorythm of the party momentarily ebbs. Conversations lull, the reel to reel pauses between Barbara Streisand songs.
The Most Obnoxious Woman in the World farts loudly during this brief intermission.
"Who stepped on the frog?" she bellows after an uncomfortable beat.
The crowd bursts out in laughter, which is directed in part at her and in part with her.
I know not where the Most Obnoxious Woman in the World is today or even if she is still alive. I was nine when I spied this scene furtively from my hiding place at the top of stairs during one of my parents' parties. The experience was indelible and I am happy to report that this is the only time I have ever repeated the woman's frog line, which I do at her expense and without apology. I am certain the Most Obnoxious Woman in the World used it herself on any number of occasions beside the one I have recounted here.
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22 comments:
Sounds like you were scarred for life by this expeller of noxious gas. How sad you chose that precise moment to sneak out of your room & spy on the adults. You think it could it be Maureen Dowd?
That is suddenly my all-time favorite one-liner for that situation.
Although, upon further reflection, it may not make sense. Frogs aren't generally filled with air (to my knowledge). The expressions suggests the trod frog is making noise. But I think the noise a trod frog would more likely make is a wet squishing noise. Although upon further further reflection it occurs to me you didn't really describe the sound of the fart. Maybe it did sound like a trodded frog.
Whatever, I still think it is hilarious.
Your parents knew Barbara Streisand? Wow!
Maureen Dowd is much too glamorous to act in such a fashion, Cube.
I think in college, my frat house had an entire colony of frogs that inhabited the space underneath the floorboards.
I hope if I'm ever caught in a situation like that my wits allow me to whip up a comeback like this.
Garrett, don't over analyze a quality fart joke. Fart jokes are to be appreciated for their base surface meaning. Too much analysis takes all of the gas out of them.
Forgive me, but "overanalyze" is one word, I be lieve.
should it be overanalyze? Or is it over analyze? I guess I either have to take your word for it or look it up. I am headed for the dictionary right now. Ass hole.
Also Pinky, Vietnam is one word. It's not Viet Nam. You've done this a few times.
I'm not being a prude. I'm being a friend. I've made many mistakes too, I know.
Just an FYI on the stepping on of any amphibious reptile. . . they make a definite popping sound, not unlike that of a fart. The first thing that I ever ran over as a new driver was a toad and I could hear him pop all the way in the car. I also, much to my chagrin, accidentally stepped on a toad early one morning while working at a neighboring farm when I was a kid. There was a definite pop followed by me retching when I figured out what I had done.
I tend to pass gas when I am mapping Polynesian island chains.
Generally my canvas is to overwhelmed to even notice.
Laughing.
Wow...I don't recall ever typing Vietnam or Viet Nam in my blog or on comments. I feel obliged to go back through everything that I have ever written to see when I committed this terrible transgression.
Why was I commenting about Vietnam? Why did I split it into two words? Why was that bra out on the street with the diapers and the beer can? Was their loose change in the sofa? What does a 3 year old child taste like?
So many questions! I may be losing my mind.
My family.
We suffer from both lactose and gluten intolerances to varying degrees depending on the family member. Combine this with a very proper upbringing and well, let's just say I have no defence against a good fart joke...or a bad fart joke. As a matter of fact I went into labor because of laughing at a series of fart jokes in a blog, then transition labor recounting those same jokes to my doctor and my Pearl girl was born 5 minutes later.
what can I say, I'm a classy gal.
shit, I just used the word "their" instead of "there." Why did I do that?
Why would stepping on a duck sound like the AFLAC duck anyway? Nobody stepped on the AFLAC duck - or did they? Is it possible that his flatulance really sounds like a duck that has been stepped on? Is it possible that a duck would make a popping noise instead of a fart-like noise?
AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
Hey bon, have you heard this one?
Pull my finger.
*wiping tears of laughter from eyes*
Mr. Flamingo yes I have and it never gets old.
Farm animal sounds are really big with the 2 year old set... for whom I used to do Library Storytime. Spent alot of time saying things like
"What sound does a cow make?"
chorus of Mooing from audience.
"What does a kitty-cat say?"
meowing and the stray hiss here and there.
"How does a duck go?"
quack quack quack and one lone towheaded boy hollering AFLAC!
After storytime his mom tells me it's her husbands idea of a joke... do you have a wee towheaded boy?
Between the noxious shazlossen, the popping frogs, and the labor-inducing blog fart jokes, I can wholeheartedly say that this post has evoked much more activity than I'd even begun to imagine.
And why is it that I feel married to all of you?
As always, dear readers, I bow deeply to you and am humbly, wholly, eternally yours.
Penis and fart jokes - that's where it's at. A little tip for your next book, Erin - include penis and fart jokes. In fact, you may want to just write a collection of penis and fart jokes.
Just a thought!
i love the frog story so much i need to tell it to 3 people before the end of today, i do. better still, i am going to play the same prank next time i'm at a dinner party. yes...that's it...
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