So I'm walking the earth as I am known to do with extraordinary frequency and what do I stumble upon? Not one, but two size 2 Pampers Baby Dry diapers strewn in the gutter, about ten feet apart. They both appeared unused and, having reared one off-spring through to the wondrous milestone of potty-training, I should know. I've seen the diaper movie many times and I know the difference between new and experienced. Next was a lonely Coors Light can, gleaming silver upon an otherwise green lawn. I walked on. About a half-mile down the road, another item interrupted my usual internal dialogue of personal musings and notes to self (sex with Bob Woodruff, do the laundry, don't be an asshole). A beige Wonderbra (front-closing), peppered with tiny embroidered flowers, lie twisted at the edge of the sidewalk with one strap curling around the galvanized wire of a chain link fence. Frank Sinatra crooned "My Blue Heaven" from my trusty iPod.
Of the diapers, I simply made a mental note of their position. If I were to happen upon any scene that required immediate, copious absorption, someone bleeding profusely from every orifice for instance, I knew where to find a suitable aid that would not only do the job, but do so without waste.
But of the beer can and bra, the following questions ensued:
Were they discarded by one person? If so, which was discarded first?
Was the bra removed by it's owner or simply discarded by him or her?
Was the bra discarded on purpose?
Was the bra removed by someone other than its owner and, if so, did the remover of the bra have permission to remove same from the wearer of the bra?
Was the bra discarded one hour ago, one week ago, one month ago or one year ago?
Was the owner of the bra bra-less at the very moment I stumbled upon the bra? Is he or she still bra-less? Has he or she found the state of bralessness so liberating that he or she will never again don a bra?
Were the beer can and bra discarded by two different people riding together in one vehicle?
Was the beer in the can consumed by the same person who discarded it?
Was it the first can they emptied during the drinking session or the sixth? The tenth?
Was the can emptied some time ago and simply taking up space in the cup holder where the driver had an immediate need to store his or her water bottle?
Does the drinker of the beer really drink Coors Light on purpose or was he or she just trying to be polite?
Did the wearer of the bra really choose little embroidered flowers on purpose?
I then concluded that the beer can and brassiere could have been related because:
Coors Light + Wonderbra with little embroidered flowers = logical coupling (although replacing the Coors Light portion of the equation with Mike's Hard Lemonade would make the assertion of logical coupling infinitely more solid).
The bra was, incidentally, not my size.
This is what it's like to be me. Really