Unmashed potatoes and rice is a verb

You want to know the secret to a perfect mashed spud?

You don't mash it. Yeah, I just said that. Go to hell if you don't like it. You don't mash 'em and you don't whip 'em up with your electric mixer either.

Goat displaying ricer

You rice them.

Yeah, I just used rice as a verb and I goddamn well know what I'm talking about. Good Christ already, it's not that exclusive a club: I own one of these.

That thing is so fly!

I use it on the finest setting and it makes a perfect unmashed spud every time. Maybe we'll luck out and Al the Retired Army Guy will swoop in and tell us why the riced spud is so much better than the mashed spud. And if he doesn't, just trust me on this one and get yourself a ricer.

Confidential to readers of The Irish Hungarian Guide to the Domestic Arts: You make those Hungarian cucumbers? You get to the part about the insufferable squeezing? You pull out this here ricer and squeeze those cukes with it? I sure as hell didn't see anything.

Shhhhh ... you dig?

Now, as if the tip about the ricer wasn't enough, I'm going to give you not one but TWO mashed spud recipes. In both cases start with a pretty soft cooked potato. I quarter or half my peeled spuds and cook them on high in the pressure cooker for 8 minutes. Those muthas squeeze right through the ricer to a perfect consistency.

1. Mix up those beautiful riced spuds with butter (figure a healthy pat per average sized spud), regular out-of-the-green-plastic-shaker parmesan (about a tablespoon per spud), milk to consistency (start small--you can always add more) and Lawry's Seasoned Salt to taste.

 2. Same as above, but instead of butter, use Boyajian Garlic Oil (you think I'm not serious when I specify an ingredient like that? Do I even have to say no substitutions? You people know who you're dealing with by now, right?) and freshly grated extra sharp cheddar (I use your grocery store brick-style) instead of parm (about twice as much, volume-wise), milk and Lawry's.

The thing about either of those recipes--and both will kick your ass--is that despite all the cheese, they don't taste cheesy, they just taste rich and full of flavor.

Unmashed spuds with other irrelevant items included to add visual interest to photo

One more thing: you might want to mix those spuds up ahead of time, transfer them to a casserole and heat them for about a half hour (covered) in a 350-degree oven just before serving. Your riced potatoes lose a lot of their heat in the process and don't travel as well directly to the table like your regular mashed.

Holy shit, you people do not know what you're in for.

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