Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Rainy Day Sex


Most of the links in today's entry lead to sexually explicit adult content for those 18 and over only.


In my column this week, HePorn, ShePorn, IPorn, YouPorn, I take on the burgeoning online amateur sex sites, all of which are free free free.

YouPorn and have Alexa ranks of 45 and 42. the Alexa rank is a popularity number, based on traffic and hits. Yahoo is number one--the most popular site in the world. Google is number two. Wikipedia is number eight., incidentally, has an Alexa rank of 11,264. The stunningly successful online porn seemed appropriate fodder for your trusty pup culture Girl Columnist. And it would be easy to write about sex, right?

This essay kicked my ass.

I rewrote it four times. To laugh and snort at YouPorn is predictable. So is feminist eye-rolling. Anyone can write those essays, but to talk about material that is intractably crass in an intelligent and honest way is something else. In the end, I was happy with the piece and felt it was original and evocative and that it (ahem) exposed something new about YouPorn and sites like it. The whole experience was strange for me. Depending on what I viewed, I was surprised, repulsed, aroused, disgusted, entertained, bored, angry, disturbed and amazed.

So go on and tear through all these sex links. Then find a few of your own. When you've had your fill and taken care of anything that (ahem ahem) arises, I urge you to return here and click on the link to my essay. I know I say this all the time, but I really hope you'll email the Free Times if you have something to say about this piece. Be sure to include your full name and city. Frank Lewis is the editor.

Enough already. Onto the links.

The Funny

And who is our next contestant? Come On Down! Note: if you click only one link in this post, let it be this link.

How to use an automatic sex chair.

Swing low, sweet Chariot. I loved this because I imagined all the regular boob-loving guys out there who've longed to see this act ever since they were twelve. Go ahead and have your cake, boys. I imagine your eyes as this footage rolls before you, huge lipid pools. I image your lips gently parted, the sound of your tiny gasps.

Let's go for a stroll.

And how about a Disneyesque interlude?

The Weird

Her lips are sealed. (eeeek!)

Kids, don't try this at home.

Hey big guy, maybe you ought to show that to a doctor instead of me.

The I-Don't-Know-What

This is the vid I was watching in the YouTube in yesterday's post. It fascinated me, but not for the obvious reasons. Note that the cam is stationary, so they are probably alone. The beginning cracked me up. It certainly put a new spin on the phrase "dining table." The guy looks like he's bellying up for a blue plate special for chrissake! And the woman looks so bored, I wanted to hand her a Better Homes and Gardens to page through. It is particularly funny when you consider how (ahem ahem ahem) hard the guy is working. Not one part of this vid looked like fun to me, though. And wouldn't she be covered with bruises afterwards? Also note that despite all the sex in this video, the filming quality and lighting makes it surprisingly UNgraphic.

This girl sure does love her veggies. Anyone have a good vichyssoise recipe to send her?

"Oh my goodness!"

This seems dangerous to me--and not in a good way. I laughed when I though of the guy who dreamt it up. Or imagine him constructing the cart in his garage; scratching his head when the remote control wouldn't work--some sort of unsavory episode of Orange County Chopper.

The Vintage

You know the curmudgeon set? That group of Golden Agers who go around groaning about how horrible everything is today and how Straight and Simple and Good and Moral everything was in their day?

Hell no, we didn't have any sort of sex like that! And if we did have to have sex, we sure didn't enjoy it!

Oh really?

Next time you run into one of those dandies, show 'em some of these beauties:

Has anybody seen my gal? Yessir, that's my baby!

This site will run you a few wooden nickels.

Life before silicone.

Bottoms up!

The Yucky

I could not find the vid that featured the overweight 50ish woman and 20ish man. I think they were German. Both her hands dripped in gold. It was long, maybe 25 minutes. Despite the obvious complicity and standard heterosexual fare, the clip bothered me, particularly when I realized someone else was filming it. Why did it bother me? I'm still not sure. But it did. So much so that I navigated away from it in disgust before I thought to note the URL to include in this listing.

This disturbed me. Between the sound in the back and the dazed look on the girl's face--something is terribly wrong here.

And Mr. Smiley face just pissed me off.

And a Hottie

Did watching all this sex arouse me? Hey, I'm only human. But experiencing a predictable animal reaction is one thing. Finding something really sexy is another. And I didn't find too much online that was sexy in my book. But babies, I thought this vid was hot hot hot.

* * * * *

Whether or not all of this will give Jenna Jameson a run for her money is anybody's guess. It is a new day in the world of porn, though. It's free and copious and you can gulp down as much as you want without setting one toe out the door. Maybe this is a liberation for droves of people who were always curious, but too embarrassed. Then there's the contingent of porn addicts. YouPorn and its brethren are sure to fire up some bedrooms and vex others, just as porn has been doing for a long, long time.

But YouPorn is the new porn. And for better and for worse, I think it's here to stay.

* * * * *

More commentary. Published Jan. 11, 2008.


Anonymous said...

Well, there went my morning...

Velvet Fog said...

I don't see any links to 'Erin does a goat'. C'mon what gives?

Trée said...

I feel some odd desire to watch The Price is Right this morning.

Seals said...

Linkity link. Guess what I'm doing tonight when I get home? :D

Thanks, E.

Anonymous said...

Hi! My name is Project 71. Weird name I know, but my masters are weird too. My masters also say that I'm a really interesting website. So why don't you consider reading what I am. Masters say it won't take you more than 22s to read. :) Enjoyy!

garrett said...

I must be dumb and I am at work, so for the sake of my family's financial well-being I don't want to click anything XXX.

Which one is the link to your article?!

Velvet Fog said...

Dude, the first one.

Mackenzie said...

Good article.

Can't wait to check out the links when I get home.

Erin O'Brien said...

Danb: Don't feel bad, I wasted a whole week on it.

Fog: I'm not sure or anything, but I think they have rules about animals and stuff.

Trée: THAT was the strangest/funniest vid, I ever saw. I love how they all get quiet at the end.

Ajooja: YouTube … Fun for One or Everyone! Enjoy.

Hi Project 71: You are weird, but I'll leave you up as you fit right in,

Garrett: The very first link, should be safe for work.

VF: I love it when you say "Crikey"

BV: Thanks. It was so damn hard to write, it about drove me up a wall. Have fun with the links and hope you find some fun ones of your own.

Anonymous said...

interesting. very interesting. heheheheheeeeee.

garrett said...

Thank you for your kind assistance. I thought, he thought, she thought, and you thought that your work was damn fine. Nice work!

Ken Houghton said...

That "hot hot hot" video has been around for a while, I think. (Then again, b&d videos with Young Blondes all begin to look the same very quickly.)

Truth to tell, YouPorn looks a lot like LimeWire did, back in the days.

And I suspect you're correct about the Car video -- can you say Rufie?

Peter Dietz said...

Thanks for the warning at the top that I didn't read. I nearly clicked one and then remembered I wasn't at home.

P.S. I'm an avid alexa fan, and those rankings have since shot sky high. Perhaps your research observations have skewed the results?

~d said...

(giggle)!! I remember the young amateur bondage girl from a previous post. How the Heck did you find her on another site?!

Erin O'Brien said...

Shaina: Glad to see I have assimilated you.

Garrett: Thanks. It was very difficult to write, but worth it in the end.

Ken: That vid just seems to have this sexy thrum to it that so many of the others lack. With so much bad lighting and angles, that one got something right.

Hi Pants and welcome. Dunno about the Alexa thing, but if the article gets me some attention, I've got no complaints.

~d: Truth be told, I didn't find anything in my recent research that could beat that vid. So I had to search around for it since it had been deleted from YouPorn ages ago. I still think it's hot. luvya!

Anonymous said...

OH MY GOD!! I just spent 2 hrs on youporn.

Two thoughts: 1. I have wasted way too much time worrying about how my FACE looked on camera

2. Pube hair has purpose!

Anonymous said...

That "Hey big guy" guy probably did that to himself (or had it done) on purpose: Saline Injection [NSFW]

Erin O'Brien said...

anon: Only two hours?

anony: Wow. THAT is indescribable.

Anonymous said...

Yeah only about two hours, all the close ups of the naked netherparts just didn't do it for me. That's why I think pube hair had a purpose, perhaps certain things should be somewhat "masked" should I say.

Like if these parts were not attached to a person and say you saw it on the sidewalk or something, tell me you would'nt flick it away with a stick so as not to step in it.

Erin O'Brien said...

Anon: So true! YouPorn is maddening to me. I don't want to look at it but I want to look at it.

I will be writing more on this topic soon. Thanks for visiting and reading and commenting.

Anonymous said...

OMG; Massive freaky cock guy probably does not have enough blodd in his whole system to get hard.

Could you imagine that thing sneakin up behind you early in the morning.. YOWZA!!

Mongrel Porksword said...

They should have put me in those vids.

Anonymous said...

Here's my thought on the HUGE guy:

It looks like some sort a road kill a guy named Skeeter would love to put in a stew!

Erin O'Brien said...

anon: I don't want to imagine that thing sneaking up behind me at a McDonald's drive-through.

Pork: Now then, what can we do about that?

anon: I've had Skeeter's Dick Stew. Mighty fine eatin' I'd say.

Charles Lambert said...

I'm at my mother's. I have a dial up connection. In terms of frustration this goes so far beyond NSFW.

So far beyond.

Hi Erin.