I take no issue with your ingredient list (despite the inclusion of some mysterious substance called TBHQ "for freshness" that is probably disintegrating my poor beleaguered innards as I type this), the fact that I'm horfing down 85 calories with every passing Sandy, or the bug-eyed elf on the package (whose shoes look like a cross between a giant potato and a post-climax condom, complete with extended receptacle tip).
Is there an alter pecan-less universe, Keebler? Are the faux pecans found therein concocted from some unidentifiable space detritus that is neither foodstuff nor overt poison? Do these FrankenNuts, by some chemical miracle, taste almost like pecans and nearly mimic the "mouthfeel" of a nut as well? Do they cost just a fraction of the real thing? And in this surreal land, are real pecans so revered that the phrase Real Pecans must be capitalized whenever committed to print?
As indicated by the exclamation point, you're clearly surprised, delighted and excited by the fact that you do not feed us those inferior alien pecans. No, no, no! Here at Keebler it's only the best for our pecan Sandy eating addicts!
I'll eat your goddamn Real Pecans. I'll eat your goddamn TBHQ. I'll suffer that shitbag of an elf. Just gimme another Sandy.
Go to hell.
* * *