Saturday, March 09, 2013

Dear Keebler,

Let me get the obvious out of the way first. Yes, your pecan Sandies are a construct straight from hell that I purchase just once or twice a year as they are one of those rarest of treats that Lil' OB does not care for and the Goat and I cannot resist. We eat them without pause from the time we breach the weird plastic/tinfoil package until the last miserable crumb hath been collected via moistened fingertip and deposited onto extended tongue.

You bastards.

I take no issue with your ingredient list (despite the inclusion of some mysterious substance called TBHQ "for freshness" that is probably disintegrating my poor beleaguered innards as I type this), the fact that I'm horfing down 85 calories with every passing Sandy, or the bug-eyed elf on the package (whose shoes look like a cross between a giant potato and a post-climax condom, complete with extended receptacle tip).

What galls me is the assertion Made with Real Pecans!

Is there an alter pecan-less universe, Keebler? Are the faux pecans found therein concocted from some unidentifiable space detritus that is neither foodstuff nor overt poison? Do these FrankenNuts, by some chemical miracle, taste almost like pecans and nearly mimic the "mouthfeel" of a nut as well? Do they cost just a fraction of the real thing? And in this surreal land, are real pecans so revered that the phrase Real Pecans must be capitalized whenever committed to print?

As indicated by the exclamation point, you're clearly surprised, delighted and excited by the fact that you do not feed us those inferior alien pecans. No, no, no! Here at Keebler it's only the best for our pecan Sandy eating addicts!

Yeah, yeah.

I'll eat your goddamn Real Pecans. I'll eat your goddamn TBHQ. I'll suffer that shitbag of an elf. Just gimme another Sandy.

Go to hell.

Love, Erin

*  *  *


Michael Lawless said...

Did you have them for breakfast?

Erin O'Brien said...


Well, I did have to eat today's photo prop, but that doesn't count, right?

Anonymous said...

Speaking of pecans...

I love pecan pie and pralines-and-cream ice cream. And Ruggles is the only ice cream brand with proper pralines as opposed to butter-pecan ice cream in which the nano-fragments of pecans get soggy and soft. But I can only afford Ruggles when its on sale and sometimes not even then without a coupon too. So Emerald Nuts makes glazed pecans (which is pretty much what pralines are in the US) so I buy the house brand ice cream and a bag of the Emerald stuff and I crush the nuts and sprinkle 'em over the ice cream and have a cheap little luxury thrill.

But that's not why I much did you pay the last time you bought a half-gallon of ice cream?

HAH! It's a trick question!

You CAN'T BUY a half-gallon of ice cream anymore because the manufacturers all reduced their package size from 64 oz. to 56 oz. hoping nobody would notice but I noticed anyway. That's 1/8th less product, that's a 12% price increase. And they do this shit all the fucking time with all different products. They employ very bright and talented designers to come up with package shapes that give the impression of being the same size as their previous ones instead of employing very bright and talented people to tell the fucking truth about their product size in such a way that intelligent people will understand and still buy their stuff without Potemkin-village-packaging tricks.

Ah, my benzos are kicking in. I would like to express my thanks to anyone who read that for participating in my therapy. I'm gonna take a nap now...


PS: "a construct from hell" will be on the tip of my tongue, no pun intended, for the next few weeks. Lemme know where to send the royalty checks...

Jon Moore said...

It's called inflation MR, talk to your fucking government. Why do you think the stock market is doing so well?

Anonymous said...

"Your" fucking government? What does "My" fucking government have to do with a pattern of deceptive and misleading packaging in consumer goods, Jon?

The decade just ended saw very low inflation-nearly a post-WWII low. Interest rates are as near to zero as is possible. I would have typed it out for you, but you're not really interested. Anybody in particular in "My" fucking government you would like me to pass along your thanks to? Or did somebody just piss in your Mucilage again?


Erin O'Brien said...

Jeepers creepers, everyone calm down and have a pecan Sandy and a nice glass of milk!

As for the Incredible Shrinking Ice Cream Container, MR, I am way ahead of you, dearie. In fact, I'm pretty sure if you asked the Goat, he would attest to my endless rants regarding the Incredible Shrinking Product phenomenon in general.

Aside: you know what messes those cocksuckers up? Paper towels. Not all paper towel holders are the dowel type. Some just have retractable pegs, so they can't reduce the width of paper towels too much. Messes the cocksuckers up.


Anonymous said...

Elves-another ethnic minority exploited by the Corporate Overlords. Apparently genetically predisposed to work in cooking and mining their vulnerability is a Producers wet dream.

(Got milk?)


P.S. Wouldn't it be freaky if YOUR house number was on the WV?

Bill said...

Smaller packaging is just another choice for consumers. If you know how to divide you can get choose the pacakage that gives you the lowest cost per ounce. If you want big packaging, go to Costco and buy 100 rolls or toilet paper or a giant bottle of catsup. Liberals compaining about smaller packages and larger clips.

Erin O'Brien said...

An individually wrapped slice of Velveeta cheese of yore: one ounce.

An individually wrapped slice of Velveeta cheese of noweth: 3/4 ounce (up from the 2/3 ounce size which apparently garnered too many complaints). A single-serve pudding is down to about 3.5 ounces (used to be four ounces).

Probably a good move on both counts.

Remember the six ounce can of V8? Down to 5.5 ounces.

I love how the righties defend some smaller sizes, but are about to have a cow over smaller size sodas in New York.

Erin O'Brien said...

Oh, and y'all sure know how to take the fun outta blogging.


Bill said...

Yeah, A barrel of laughs.

Anonymous said...

Hey Erin-I remembered some conversation about packaging, but not the ice cream. I seem to recall the little straw in the soap pump not reaching the bottom of the bottle. Proctor & Gamble are hand-in-hand with Kellogg's and the rest of the Illuminati plotting to sap and impurify our precious bodily essence. Seeing today's mention of pecans just brought out my internalized General Ripper.

BTW, the V-8 can was a public service. Consumers now have enough room in their can of low-sodium spicy V-8 for a full shot of vodka. Morning drive-time Bloody Marys have never been more convenient!

But I have to run to the optometrist's. My eyesight is failing, because I could SWEAR I read someone try to equate a fairly tongue-in-cheek screed about packaging, perceived value and shelf appeal of certain products with the fetish for military-scale ammunition clips that the NRA panders to.

MUST be the glasses. Right?


PS-RJ, I actually did have a WV miss my address by one digit recently. The Illuminati like to let you know you're under their NWO thumbs.

Erin O'Brien said...

Actually, Bill, I did think this post was a barrel of laughs. I thought it was hilarious. Not entirely sure why I try anymore. Go to hell.

MR, thanks for the reference to "The Irish Hungarian." TRULY. As for the bloody tip: bottoms up!

Bill said...

E: It IS a funny post! I was referring to your reference the the funny guy who wishes people dead, and other hilarious things.

Anonymous said...

@Bill, E'OB. and MR Re: Illuminati.
I assure you that if E'O had an archive search feature you could not find me wishing you dead. I am certain I said "Please Die." Yes, in anticipation of your response, there is a difference.

Hey MR- You've probably already seen it but if not "We Are Legion", the documentary on Anonymous and Hactivism, is worth the 4.99 it costs to watch it online. A ary of light in an otherwise gloomy World Order. At the least I can now tell gun loonz I have a low orbit ion cannon within reach of a smart phone.


Cleveland Bob said...

I. for one, though it a marvelous post reflective of the manic wit, pop culture observations and general insouciant nature of our lovely hostess.

What say we all just try to get along, all right everyone? Otherwise head elsewhere and just go "pecan" someone your own size.

Thanks Erin.

DogsDontPurr said...


DogsDontPurr said...

Also, I'm really surprised that this article did not awaken that age old argument over the proper pronunciation of "Pecan."

Erin O'Brien said...

Pulled directly from a private email:

I catch anyone calling these suckers "pee cans" I'm kicking their ass.

Anonymous said...

@RJ-do you know Mark Twain's take on wishing ill on people? "I have never wished anyone dead. But I have read certain obituaries with a great deal of satisfaction."


Anonymous said...

@MR-I could not have responded positively to your inquiry but I do recall reading that quote. Funny you should mention Twain. I was rereading the story of the Moro Crater Massacre yesterday and I have no doubt you've read his comments of 3/12/1906. A classic piece of journalism.


Bill said...

“A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.”
― Mark Twain

Anonymous said...

It has been said that ‘imitation is the sincerest form of flattery,’ but being stalked and copied can indeed be frightening.
[2001 Washington Post 8 Sept. C11]


Bill said...

Occasionally, ridicule is mistaken for imitation.

philbilly said...

The pee can is usually in the fer corner of the ice fishin' hut, a way's away from the bait can.