Thursday, November 05, 2009

Being married, vol. 3

At the Offices of Erin O'Brien, Erin O'Brien is obliged to review a vast array of media, including sexual websites such as Beautiful Agony, wherein people film their own faces as they do what people have been doing by themselves ever since they figured out how.

On occasion, the husband of Erin O'Brien will enter the Offices of Erin O'Brien and puzzle over what Erin O'Brien is studying.

* * *

Husband of Erin O'Brien: What's this?

Erin O'Brien:

Husband of Erin O'Brien: What's she doing?

Erin O'Brien: She's flicking the bean.

Husband of Erin O'Brien: The bean?

Erin O'Brien: The most significant bean associated with the female anatomy.

Husband of Erin O'Brien: Oh, that bean.

The woman fiddles with an off-screen object and a low buzzing ensues. The woman's head jerks back as her eyes and mouth open to perfect O's.

Erin O'Brien: Welp, I think we know what that was.

Husband of Erin O'Brien: Yep.

The husband of Erin O'Brien and Erin O'Brien simultaneously lean in closer to the screen. The husband of Erin O'Brien squints.

Husband of Erin O'Brien: Sounds sort of like a muted leaf blower.

Erin O'Brien: Like if you were in our bedroom with all the windows closed and the neighbors were running their leaf blower.

Husband of Erin O'Brien: Exactly: a muted leaf blower--or maybe a miniature leaf blower.

The husband of Erin O'Brien and Erin O'Brien blink at the screen.

Erin O'Brien: She looks so stunned.

Husband of Erin O'Brien: And surprised.

Erin O'Brien: But why? If anyone should know what's happening, it's her.

Husband of Erin O'Brien: She does hold her future in her own hands.

The woman inhales sharply, squeezes her eyes shut and snaps her head to the side. The husband of Erin O'Brien sucks in his lower lip. Erin O'Brien swallows hard.

Erin O'Brien: Hon?

Husband of Erin O'Brien: Yeah?

Erin O'Brien: Want to go in our bedroom and see if we can hear the neighbor's leaf blower?

Husband of Erin O'Brien: Will you bring your bean?

Erin O'Brien: The bean is already on board, you want to flick it?

Husband of Erin O'Brien: Baby, I was born to flick.

* * *

play windows media

play quicktime

* * *


jford said...

So when are you posting that session on beautiful agony!?! ;)

John said...


Amber Tidd Murphy said...

I loved this post. I want to read it out loud to my husband and ask him if he wants a bean burrito for dinner.

LimesNow said...

Obliged to review and study such media, eh, Erin? TOUGH gig! Not sure how you endure it.

Joshua said...

I do so love these installments of married life. Not what I expected for today; but noteworthy.


Hiding Myself From Me said...

Excellent post Erin. Being single, however, there will be no yodeling in the gully for me today.

james2285 said...

L.O.L. really i laughed out loud at work

e said...

Definitely some joie de vivre here today. I popped by when you were a blog of note a couple of weeks ago and just wanted to tell you I enjoyed reading a portion of your soon-to-be out of print book.

I am also a writer, so its always a pleasure to meet others. As for your gig having to review all sorts of media, including beautiful agony as seen here, I say lucky you! I laughed so hard when I read about the "bean," that someone asked if I needed a doctor. I replied that a night off would do...

3xEMonkey said...

We need to switch jobs.

Anonymous said...

"flick the bean" and "yodel in the gully" ...and I thought I had heard it all. Silly me.


Once Known as The Badger said...


Amy L. Hanna said...

You two are far much less discreet than that distant-humming leaf blower.

Cosmic Navel Lint said...

Great to review sexual slang and associated vernacular from the various parts of the English-speaking world :)

I'd heard 'flicking the bean', but not 'yodelling in the valley', which was new to me. Have you heard 'man in the boat' for the same thing?

A great vignette of real life again Erin!

Jack Cluth said...

Man, that makes me want to do something special to someone if I really needed any inspiration for that! ;-)

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Gillian said...

Flick that bean, baby!


Goat said...

Although I enjoy the benefits,(and the flicking), the Offices of Erin O'Brien remain a mystery to me.

The Expatresse said...

I know the point of that website is to allow us to be voyeurs, but I always feel . . . like . . . well . . . intrusive.

Maybe I'm just too much of an exhibitionist at heart?

Fun erotica at cleansheets dot com. I don't blush so much when it's words.

philbilly said...

"Baby, I was born to flick", one of my favorite Springsteen lyrics, along with "Strap your hands 'cross my enchiladas", of course.

Erin O'Brien said...

The Offices of Erin O'Brien remain a mystery to Erin O'Brien.

Cosmic Navel Lint said...

Erin has an office?


dean said...

Maybe I could flick beans for a living.

Senior Bean Flicker.

Senor Bean Flicker if you speak Spanish.

G said...


And to think that I thought I've read/seen/heard it all.

I really need to get out more often.

John Ettorre said...

Thanks for the laugh today.