Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Being married, vol. 2

My dearly beloved and I are watching television.

I pick up the remote and with the push of a button, I vanquish some inane sporting event ("the New York whos?") and the screen fills with a bevy of chefs scurrying around a TV kitchen set with armfuls of kale, slabs of tuna, or bowls of ganache. They're racing against a competition clock as they frantically try to create an appetizer in 20 minutes, dinner for 400 society snobs, or a towering cake for bridezilla in eight hours.

Be it Chopped, Iron Chef, or Dinner Impossible (with--be still my heart--Robert Irvine, who's the latest addition to the short list), I'm addicted to all of them, even that miserable Chef Ramsey's Hell's Kitchen show.

Not my husband.

"What are we watching?" my husband will say as a sweat-beaded team moves a towering doughnut-shaped cake, complete with a phallic Marge Simpson on its top, to the display table.

"This is ... um ... " I hesitate, " ... this is called ... " My husband awaits my response with knitted brow. Then a brilliant idea dawns!

"This is called," I say confidently, "suburban middle-aged guys with receding hairlines watch football then get blowjobs from chicks in mini-kilts and knee-hi tube socks." I smile broadly then add, "with big boobs."

"Really?" says my dearly beloved.

"Yeah," I say, nodding emphatically, "with beer and lots of sports scores."

"No kidding?"

"Uh-huh," I say, "And golf stuff. And Hooters chicks with wings. And cheese dip."

"Sounds like a pretty good program," he says.

We turn to the television wherein a panel of judges scrutinize a statuesque Homer Simpson, forged from golden fondant.

"Just give it a few minutes to warm up," I say.

My splendid king blinks a few times, then returns to the sports page. I click to see what's coming up next on Bravo's Top Chef.


32 comments:

Shaina said...

I love the cake shows too! and Top Chef, zomg so much fun. I could watch the food network and bravo all day.

you are a silly lady.

erf.
<3

Angela P said...

Haha! I should use this one on my boyfriend.

Tonya said...

LOL too funny...

Entrepreneur Chick said...

YOU are brilliant! "Uh-huh," I say, "And golf stuff. And Hooters chicks with wings. And cheese dip."


My husband was watching a show in which black people were fighting over, 'Nah.. you is NOT my baby's daddy!"

I turn to Tony and give a sideways glance: "Your people."

"Well", he says taking the remote out of my hand, "let's see what YOUR people are doing."

I couldn't believe it. Jerry Springer- white folks, and the caption reads... drum roll...
"I'm Sleeping with My Sister".

Talk about the Cheshire Cat. Please.

Colleen said...

Congrats on making "Blogs of Note" and thank you for writing well. I appreciate strong, witty writing and will add you to the list of blogs I read daily. If you're interested: http://collology.blogspot.com/

Julie said...

I have great respect for anyone who can bring the words "blowjobs", "mini-kilt", "fondant", and "Homer Simpson" in the same story. Bravo.

Joshua said...

Funny, it drives my wife nuts when I watch The Food Network or Top Chef. I do all the cooking in the house and am looking for ideas that I can modify to our tastes (I'm vegetarian, she's not). I don't know why it bothers her.

Kirk Jusko said...

Knee-high tube socks?

Personally, I like to see skin both above AND below the knee.

And every else, for that matter.

However, beggars can't be choosers. I'll settle for the knee-high socks and kilt.

In fact, I'd settle for the knees poking through a pair of ripped jeans.

Chris said...

My god you're awesome, Erin! Fortunately for me, Dean likes cooking shows more than sports (but less than blow jobs).

hoosierboy said...

Chopped is the best show on TV

Amy L. Hanna said...

If either of you need a bib or TV tray to go with your tandem foodie teevee gaze, we're all here for you ...

*

I might add how apropos that my word verification for this comment is "wingoo".

dean said...

I am down with the whole blowjob thing. Just saying.

Matt Conlon said...

Depending on the time of year, that may work... BJs and chicken wings are good motivators, but when pitted against the superbowl... I dunno... I guess I'd skip the superbowl if it didn't include the Patriots.

I'd have to record the commercials though.

D.J. Diddles said...

LOL! I loved your blog and I agree, Top Chef and the Food Network can cheer up even the gloomiest of days. When I get a boyfriend, I'll try that on him some day...:D. Thanks for the idea!

Joan Haskins said...

Damn, that was a good story.

Chloe C said...

Absolutely brilliant!!!

Goat said...

NOT FUNNY !!!

Cosmic Navel Lint said...

The sheer creativity whilst caught in that stream-of-conscious he knows I'm lying - and what's more, he knows that I know that he knows I'm lying is just too delicious - contextual pun intended.

Top drawer again Erin! A pleasure as always.

Bren.

The Expatresse said...

In some twist of cosmic humor, I am the only one in the house who watches sports. My husband's idea of fun is to watch Euro News in different languages.

Anonymous said...

So I'm reading the headlines this morning (10/29) and see where Natalie Portman appeared on "Top Chef." I'm down for cooking shows now. That's a dish I'd like to taste.

BTW, I'm digging this Blog of Note crowd. I say we all get together and go to Expatresse's house.

RJ

dean said...

Not only am I down with the whole blowjob thing, I am down with the Portman angle too.

haha, my Erin-Authentication word is 'dumspiti'. Now I know what Erin thinks of me.

kelly@TearingUpHouses said...

you.are.brilliant.

i'm stealing your form.

kelly

ProlixBlonde said...

I love Robert Irvine as well. And he's just as ... interesting in person.

He has a restaurant on Hilton Head Island, SC called eat! (exclamation point included) where I had a chance to be within ten feet of him.

Ya know, for a future vacation idea.

Anonymous said...

Alton Brown! He's hot in a nerdy way. Really turns me on when he talks science and food.

jford said...

LOL - Very funny and well written story. But from Goat's comment, it sounds like the bait and switch won again!

Mrs Winderley said...

still giggling... great post and SO SO SO true. Could've been written about any normal TV-watching night of the week at my house. My hubby and I have the same tug of war, only my vice is of the dancing variety... So you think you can dance?/ Dancing with the stars/ Strictly come dancing. he he... very funny!

The Expatresse said...

Anonymous: I'm in Moscow, but you're all welcome. There's always vodka chilling in the freezer. And the grocery store has caviar.

Anonymous said...

this is a good piece of writing. witty. i love cooking shows too. but i am a chef so people tend to induldge me. actaully i have been alot of things so i get induldged in pretty much everything...

True Dave said...

So what channel is this show on?

(S)wine said...

The Goat rocks.

VMN said...

hehehe..nice trick.

danii said...

i am 17 and obsessed with your blog. we have a lot in common. a lot.